THE  MOSSBACK 


CORRESPONDENCE 


TOGETHER    WITH 


MR.  MOSSBACK'S  VIEWS    ON   CERTAIN    PRACTICAL 

SUBJECTS,  WITH  A  SHORT  ACCOUNT  OF 

HIS  VISIT  TO  UTOPIA 


BY 

FRANCIS  E.  CLARK 

Author  of  "  Younc.    Peoi-le's   Prayer   Meetings,"  "  Danger   Signals," 

"The  Children  and  the  Church,"  "Our  Business 

Boys,"  etc. 


BOSTON 

D     LOTHROP     COMPANY 

WASHINGTON  STREET  OPI'OSITE  BROMKIELD 


3^ 


Copyright,  1889 

BY 

D.  LoTHROP  Company. 


AN  INTRODUCTORY  NOTE. 


T  T  TV.  can  assure  our  readers  that  Mr.  Mossback 
^  ^  began  this  series  of  letters  for  the  Golden 
Rule,  with  no  idea  that  they  would  be  collected  into 
a  book.  They  were  received,  however,  with  unexpect- 
ed favor ;  they  were  widely  quoted,  and  the  author  was 
urged  by  correspondents  and  personal  friends  to  bring 
them  together,  where  they  could  easily  be  referred  to, 
without  turning  the  cumbersome  pages  of  a  newspaper 
file.  Mr.  Mossback,  being  an  aged  and  garrulous  old 
man,  can  say  some  things  which  neither  a  pastor  nor 
an  editor,  perhaps,  would  say ;  for  no  one  can  really 
get  angry  with  a  harmless  old  clerg^mian.  At  least,  it 
would  seem  that  no  one  ought  to  get  angry  with  him ; 
and  yet,  the  letters  of  indignant  remonstrance  which 
the  editor  of  the  Golden  Rule  has  received  after  pub- 
lishing some  of   these  letters,  from  persons  of  whom 

iii 


IV  INTRODUCTORY. 

Mr.  Mossback  had  never  heard,  show  that  the  gar- 
ments of  his  manufacture  were  somewhat  close-fitting. 
If  our  readers  will  take  notice,  however,  we  think  they 
will  find  that  our  aged  friend  is  never  malicious  in  his 
letters,  that  there  is  a  twinkle  in  his  eye  all  the  time, 
and  an  earnest  purpose  in  his  heart  to  do  some  good, 
to  correct  some  venerable  blunders,  and  to  commend 
some  unrecognized  saints. 

Boston,  Mass.,  March,  1889. 


CONTENTS. 


An  Open  Letter  to  Dr.  Critical 

P>om  Mr.  Mossback  to  his  Brother  . 

To  the  Sexton  .... 

To  the  Organist        .... 

To  the  Church  Architect 

To  the  Young  People  of  his  Church 

Another  Letter  to  the  Young  I'eople 

To  the  Pert  "  Saleslady  " 

To  Grandfather  Methuselah 

To  Rev.  E.  Respectable   . 

To  'J'he  Right  Rev.  Father  Necktie 

To  Sister  Grumble 

To  Brother  Readyvvit 

To  Miss  Pertie  Pickles     . 

To  Miss  Rapid  .... 

To  Master  Forward 

To  Brother  Hard-up 

To  the  Man  Who  "  Speaks  to  Edification 

To  the  Man  Who   Shows  the  Top  of   His   Bald 

Head  to  the  Minister 
To  the  Teacher  Who  is  Habitually  Absent  From 

His  Class  .... 

To  the  Young  Man  at  the  Church  Door 
To  Mr.  Younghusband     . 
To  Mrs.  Younghusband    . 


PACE. 

5 
7 
9 

12 

i6 
i8 

20 
22 

24 
26 

28 
30 

Z^ 
34 
36 
38 
41 

42 

45 
46 

48 
51 


CONTENTS. 

PAdK. 

To  lirothcr  Lon^^wind r2 

To  the  Members  of  His  Young  People's  Society  54 

To  Deacon  Gooclenough e6 

To  Young  Authors ^^^ 

To  Young  Authors  (concerning  Available  Manu- 
script)           (J2 

To  Young  Authors  (concerning  Unavailable  Man- 
uscript)       64 

To  the  Man  With  a  Watch        ....  66 

To  Rev.  J.  Lamentation 58 

To  Sister  Patter ^i 

To  the  Man  Who  Comes  Late  to  Church           .  73 
To  the  Congregation  (concerning  the   Man  Who 

Comes  Late  to  Church)     .         .         .         .  y^ 
To  the  Church  that  does  not  Pay  its  Minister's 

Salary  Promptly 76 

To  Brother  Driver -8 

To  Mrs.  Shepherdess go 

To  the  Man  Who  J^eeps  a  Diary       ...  83 

To  the  Man  Who  Gets  Angry  with  the  Editor  .  85 
To  the  Young  Folks  of  the  First  Church  of  Cran- 

berryville gj 

To  Sister  Dorcas 01 

To  the  Man  Who  does  not  Intend  to  Pay  for  His 

Newspaper ^3 

To  Miss  Grace  Kindheart         .         .         .         ,  g^ 

To  Mrs.  Attentive 06 

To  the  Young  Man  Who  is  About  to  Get  Engaged  99 
To  the  Young  Lady  Who  Will  Soon  Be  Asked  in 

Marriage loi 

To  Rev.  O.  F.  Fish ,03 


CONTENTS. 


To  Brother  Tightfist 

To  the  Chiircii  Committee  in  Search  of  a  Pastor 
To  the  Minister  Who  is  Looking  for  a  Parish    . 


PACE. 

1 06 
108 
1 1 1 


Mr.  Mossback's  Views  on  Practical  Subjects. 


The  Book  Agent 

Wings  J}ut  no  Legs  . 

The  Buzz-Saw  of  Experience 

Bandaging  the  Wrong  Leg 

Make  the  Best  of  Him     . 

Learning  to  Howl     . 

Watch  the  Brakes,  Hold  Tight  Reins 

The  Sigher  and  Groaner  . 

Stuffing  a  Dead  Hornet    . 

The  Evolution  of  the  Teakettle 

The  Sense  of  Humor 

The  Pompous  Man  . 

Mean  Streaks  . 

If 

Another  Kind  of  If  . 

That  Embarrassing  Question 

"  What's  the  Good  Word  ?  " 

Keeping  the  Windows  Clean 

True  Politeness 

The  Anxiety  Department 

Make  Your  Wife  Your  Bar-Keeper 

In  Favor  of  Ruts 

Monstrosities  of  Grace 

Manhood  to  the  Square  Inch 

Slamming  the  Door  . 


,  Start  Slow 


117 
119 
121 
123 

125 
126 

128 
130 
132 

^33 

135 

137 

138 
140 

141 

143 
144 

145 

147 
149 

150 
151 
153 
154 
156 


CONTENTS. 


So  Like  Themselves 
Oag       hy  Well-Doing 
The  (Jift  of  Discontinuance 
Concerning  Overcoats 
PoMteness  as  a  National  Trait 
His  Forty-Second  Jiirthday 
Fit  To  he  Married    . 


Mr.  Mossiuck's  Visit  to  Utopia. 


A  Social  Party  in  Utopia . 
Election  Day  in  Utopia     . 
Sunday  Morning  in  Utopia 
At  Church  in  Utopia 


I'AC.R. 

160 
163 

166 
168 
170 


177 
180 
18.^ 


Supplement 

An  Open  Letter  From  the  Sexton  . 
An  Open  Letter  F>om  the  Organist  . 
An  Open  Letter  From  Mr.  Ammi  Sleeper 


189 
192 

193 


THE  MOSSBflCK  CORRESPONDENCE. 


AN  OPEN  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSSBACK 
TO  DR.  CRITICAL. 


Reverend  and  Esteemed  Sir  : 

Allow  me  to  send  you  a  word  of  congratulation 
in  regard  to  your  late  truly  admirable  work.  Your 
argument  concerning  the  dative  case  of  the  ob- 
scure Greek  particle  over  which  you  have  been 
burning  so  much  midnight  oil,  is  both  convincing 
and  masterly.  You  can  henceforth  write  after 
your  name,  not  simply  the  commonplace  semi- 
lunars, D.  D.,  but  the  longer  title,  F.  R.  D.  D.  S., 
for  have  you  not,  on  the  strength  of  the  above 
work,  been  elected  a  Fellow  of  the  Royal  Dry  as 
Dust  Society  ? 

But  with  all  these  blushing  honors  thick  upon 
you,  I  have  a  word  to  say,  though  I  am  only  plain 
old   Mr.    Mossback,   without  even  a  D.  D.      Do 

5 


6  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

leave  a  little  of  your  critical  scholarship  at  home, 
aiy  dear  brother,  when  you  put  on  your  Sunday 
coat  and  go  into  your  pulpit.  You  will  doubtless 
need  all  your  scholarship,  I  am  not  asking  you  to 
leave  that  at  home,  but  simply  the  undue  mani- 
festation of  the  critical  spirit,  which  shone  forth 
so  admirably  in  the  afore-mentioned  work  on  the 
Greek  particle.  What  is  the  use  of  telling  your 
audience  that  you  have  grave  doubt  about  the 
genuineness  of  this  passage,  or  that  the  trans- 
lators evidently  got  that  wrong,  or  that  the  other 
reading  is  plainly  an  interpolation,  until  every 
common  man  and  woman  in  your  audience  comes 
to  think  thai  he  must  know  as  much  about  the 
dative  case  as  you  do  in  order  to  understand  his 
Bible }  Why  continually  criticise  the  hymns  that 
people  love  to  sing,  as  though  they  were  only  good 
for  Salvation  Army  barracks  ?  Above  all,  why 
carry  the  critical  spirit  into  the  prayer-meeting  ? 
Do,  dear  brother,  leave  it  outside  the  prayer-meet- 
ing door,  wherever  else  you  carry  it.  Even  if 
some  good  old  saint  does  give  a  wrong  exegesis  of 
a  passage,  or  if  little  Johnny  Young  does  stumble 
in  his  first  testimony,  or  Sister  Enthusiasm  does 
not  control  her  feelings  just  as  you  would,  why 


THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  7 

criticise  them  ?  Do  confine  these  well-clevelopcd 
critical  powers  of  yours  to  the  dative  case  of  the 
Greek,  particle,  and  you  will  earn  the  gratitude  of 
many  besides 

Your  friend, 

A.    MoSSBACK. 


AN  OPEN  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSSBACK 
TO  HIS  BROTHER. 


Dear  Brother : 

You  are  a  man  after  my  own  heart,  as  you  well 
know.  You  are  my  alter  ego.  If  you  are  David, 
I  am  Jonathan.  I  have  heard  of  twins  named 
John  Thomas  and  Thomas  John.  Now  it  is  hard 
to  tell  whether  you  are  Thomas  John  and  I  John 
Thomas,  or  vice  versa,  so  exactly  do  we  think 
alike  on  all  subjects,  and  so  unalterably  are  we 
both  opposed  to  all  new-fangled  notions.  And 
yet,  do  you  know,  I  have  been  a  little  fearful  of 
late  that  we  might  both  be  on  the  wrong  track, 
side-tracked  as  it  were,  while  the  world  is  going 


8  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

by  at  the  rate  of  forty  miles  an  hour.  It  is  a  very 
unpleasant  possibility  to  face,  and  I  would  not  con- 
fess it  to  anyone  but  yourself,  but  I  cannot  escape 
the  suggestion.  I  remember  going  to  bed  one 
night  in  a  sleeping-car,  and  dreaming  all  night 
that  I  was  constantly  putting  on  the  brakes  ;  and 
yet,  when  I  woke  up  the  next  morning,  supposing 
I  was  four  hundred  miles  nearer  Chicago,  I  found 
that  we  were  at  the  same  old  station,  on  a  siding. 
Is  it  possible  that  you  and  I  have  been  on  a  siding 
all  our  lives ;  and  even  when  we  thought  we  were 
putting  on  the  brakes,  and  considered  ourselves  so 
necessary  to  keep  the  train  from  going  to  destruc- 
tion, was  it  a  mere  dream  and  fancy,  while  in  real- 
ity the  train  has  gone  on  and  left  us  without  our 
knowing  it  ?  You  know  Father  Mossback  was 
opposed  to  abolition,  and  also  to  the  temperance 
agitation,  and  Grandfather  Mossback  was  bitterly 
opposed  to  Sunday  schools  when  they  were  first 
started,  and,  as  to  foreign  missions,  he  used  to  say 
over  and  over  again  that  "  if  the  Lord  was  going 
to  convert  the  heathen  He  could  do  it  without  our 
aid,"  and  that  he  wouldn't  "waste  his  money  on 
any  such  foolishness."  And  yet,  foreign  missions 
are  established  and  dot  the  world  with  their  sta- 


THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  9 

tions,  and  Sunday  schools  are  found  in  every 
church,  and  slavery  is  dead,  and  every  respectable 
man  is  on  the  side  of  temperance.  The  train 
moved  on,  and  Grandfather  and  Father  Mossback 
were  left  on  the  siding.  Is  it  possible,  Brother 
Mossback,  that  you  and  I  are  also  "left"  ?  It  is 
a  fearful  possibility.  As  for  me,  I  shall  investi- 
gate this  matter,  and,  if  my  surmises  are  correct, 
I  shall  take  the  first  train  for  the  front.  As 
brakemen,  I  do  not  think  we  are  conspicuously 
successful.  Let  us  give  up  this  occupation,  and 
hereafter  help  to  regulate  and  lead,  rather  than  to 
hinder. 

Your  brother, 

A.  Mossback. 


AN  OPEN  LETTER  TO  THE  SEXTON. 


Dear  Sir  : 

There  is  no  one  whom  I  respect  and  esteem 
more  highly  than  yourself.     I  appreciate  the  truth 


lO  THE    MOSSIiACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

of  the  sentiment  uttered  by  one  of  your  number, 
that  "  Me  and  the  minister  run  this  church."  I 
do  not  even  think  that  the  position  of  the  personal 
pronoun  above  is  too  emphatic.  My  own  experi- 
ence with  men  of  your  profession  has  been  singu- 
larly happy.  I  know,  too,  how  many  are  your 
tribulations  and  exasperations,  from  t.ie  small  boy 
who  dares  you  to  put  him  out  of  the  church,  while 
he  is  cutting  up  all  manner  of  shines ;  from  the 
giggling  and  simpering  girl  on  the  back  seat,  who 
is  making  herself  a  nuisance  to  all  about  her ; 
from  the  old  lady  wrapped  up  in  her  seal-skin, 
who  "must  have  the  window  open,"  and  from  the 
old  gentleman  with  the  bald  head  who  "must  have 
the  window  shut,"  at  the  same  time.  On  all  these 
sources  of  vexation  I  am  sure  you  could  enlarge 
with  pathetic  eloquence.  Yet  while  recognizing 
your  many  merits  and  the  many  difficulties  of  your 
calling,  do  let  me  whisper  in  your  ear,  "  Give  us 
more  air." 

It  is  so  hard  for  us  to  realize  that  air  is  any- 
thing, that  I  don't  wonder  that  you  sometimes 
forget  it ;  but  after  all  it  is  something.  Oxygen 
and  nitrogen,  when  combined,  do  produce  some- 
thing real,  and  an  article  that  is  quite  indispensa- 


THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  I  I 

blc  to  every  audience.  We  can  get  along  with 
poor  preaching  better  than  with  poor  air ;  in  fact, 
when  we  have  the  latter  we  are  usually  afflicted 
with  the  former.  We  will  forgive  you  for  almost 
everything,  if  you  will  give  us  good  air.  You 
need  not  sweep  the  carpets  more  than  once  in  two 
weeks  ;  you  may  take  by  the  ear  the  small  boy  of 
the  wealthiest  deacon  in  the  church,  and  put  him 
out  of  meeting,  if  he  is  making  a  disturbance,  and 
we  will  uphold  you  in  the  act ;  in  fact,  there  is 
nothing  we  will  not  forgive,  if  you  will  only  give 
us  air. 

I  had  intended,  when  I  began  this  letter  to  you, 
to  ask  you  to  leave  your  squeaky  boots  at  home ; 
not  to  open  the  windows  or  wander  around  the 
church,  to  any  great  extent,  during  the  most 
impressive  part  of  the  sermon,  etc. ;  but  I  would 
not  be  unreasonable,  and  we  will  simply  gasp 
for  "more  air." 

Why  should  not  a  school  for  sextons  be  estab- 
lished, a  sort  of  annex  to  our  theological  semi- 
naries, in  which  the  constituents  of  air  shall  be 
explained,  and  the  vital  necessity  be  taught  of 
having  more  of  it  in  all  our  churches  ? 


12  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENXE. 

One  of  the  first  to  subscribe  to  such  a  founda- 
tion will  be 

Yours  truly, 

A.    MoSSBACK. 


AN  OPEN  LETTER  TO  THE  ORGANIST. 


Dear  Sir  or  Madam: 

It  is  with  much  timidity  that  I  take  up  my  pen 
to  address  you,  for  I  know  with  what  scorn  I  shall 
be  put  down,  when  you  have  read  this  letter, 
among  the  ignorant  rabble  who  have  no  music  in 
their  souls ;  and  it  is  not  for  me  to  say  that  I  do 
not  deserve  your  contempt.  Still,  at  the  risk  of 
incurring  your  displeasure  I  beg  you  to  discon- 
tinue yoar  long,  "impertinent"  interludes.  The 
second  adjective  is  not  original,  it  is  Joseph  Par- 
ker's, I  believe ;  but  I  think  the  two  ought  to  go 
together,  for  an  interlude  is  not  apt  to  be  imper- 
tinent unless  it  ib  long.  Please,  also,  curtail  that 
fifteen  minutes'  "voluntary."  It  is,  no  doubt,  the 
most  artistic  kind  of  music  that  you  give  us,  but 


THE    MOSSDACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  1 3 

wc  all  came  to  church  to  do  something  else  than 
listen  to  artistic  instrumental  music.     When  we 
want  some  of  it  we  will  hire  you  to  give  an  organ 
concert,  and  pay  fifty  cents  a  ticket.     But,  if  you 
must  play  for  fifteen  minutes,  have  mercy  on  our 
nerves,  and  do   not   make  the  organ   bellow  and 
thunder  so   uproariously  and  suddenly.      If   you 
have  no  mercy  on  yourself  or  the  organ   or  the 
blow-boy,  remember  the  nerves  of  your  audience. 
Please,  too,  be  kind  enough  to  spare  us  the  latest 
operatic  air.     Some  of  us,  to  be  sure,  have  con- 
scientious scruples  about  the  opera,  z  d  perhaps 
you  thought  you  were  doing  us  a  kindness  by 
bringing  the  latest   thing  to  church;  but  let  us 
assure  you  that,  despite  our  scruples,  we  prefer  to 
hear  these  airs   in   the  opera-house  even,  rather 
than  in  the  church.     And,  once  more,  when  we 
come  out  of   church,  with  the   sweet  and  quiet 
influence  of  the  service  of  God's  house  upon  our 
souls,  do  not  so  deafen  our  cars  and  so  exasperate 
our  spirits  that  we  shall  forget  even  the  text  be- 
fore we  leave  the  church  door.     Play  something 
quiet  and  simple  and  devotional,  and  you  will  have 
the  lasting  gratitude  of         Yours  truly, 

A.  MOSSBACK. 


14  THE    MOSSDACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

AN  OPEN   LETTER  TO  THE  CHURCH 

ARCHITECT. 


Dear  Sir  : 

If  I  have  hesitated,  as  I  assure  you  I  have,  to 
send  one  of  these  open  letters  to  such  function- 
aries as  the  church  organist  and  the  sexton,  you 
can  imagine  how  much  more  I  would  shrink  from 
addressing  such  a  dignitary  as  yourself.  I  can 
hear  you  say,  "  Let  Mr.  Mossback  keep  in  his  own 
place ;  he  has  an  affinity,  perhaps,  for  old  ruins,  as 
his  name  indicates,  but  he  knows  nothing  about 
the  high  art  of  modern  architecture."  I  acknowl- 
edge that  your  strictures  are  just.  I  am  com- 
pletely floored  when  you  come  to  talk  of  fascias 
and  corbelling  mouldings,  of  rosaces,  trefoils,  qua- 
trefoils,  etc.  Nevertheless,  I  have  some  things  to 
say  even  to  you.  Horace  Bushnell  once  wrote  an 
open  letter  to  the  Pope  of  Rome,  you  know ;  why 
should  not  I,  then,  write  to  you } 

And  first,  let  me  implore  you,  when  you  build 
your  next  church  to  remember  that  in  such  a 
building  people  frequently  wish  to  /lear  what  is 
said.  To  speak  of  the  auditorium  is  often  a 
ghastly  sarcasm.      It  is  not  only  a  pertinent  in- 


THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  1 5 

quiry,  "  How  shall  they  hear  without  a  preacher  ? " 
but  "  How  shall  they  hear  in  some  churches  even 
if  they  have  a  preacher  ?  " 

A  cathedral  with  massive  pillars  behind  which 
the  whole   Sunday  school   may  play  hide-and-go- 
seek,   with   vaulted   roof  and  darkened  windows, 
through    which  only   a    dim,   religious   light    can 
struggle,  is  all  right  for  our  Catholic  neighbors. 
It  makes  very  little  difference  whether  they  hear 
or  not,   especially  as  it   is   often   all    Latin,   not 
to  say  "all  Greek,"  to  them.     But  we  of  the  Prot- 
estant faith  wish  to  hear.     If  you  persist  in  disre- 
garding our  ears  we  shall  be  obliged  to  protest 
once  more.     Again,  I  would  not  be  unreasonable 
in  my  demands,  but  I  would  mildly  suggest  that 
we  wish  not  only  to  hear  but  to  breathe.     You 
have  us  very  much  at  your  mercy,  I  acknowledge, 
but  whatever  you  do,  do  not  suffocate  us  with  bad 
air.      After  we  have  once  breathed  our  share  of 
the  air,  in  the  church,  we  have  no  further  use  for 
it,   nor  do  we  care   to   take   this   commodity  at 
second  hand  from   some  one  else.      Do  provide 
some  escape  for  this  old  air  and   some  way  of 
ingress  for  that  which  is  new  and  fresh !     There 
is  plenty  of  it  outside ;  we  shall  rob  no  one  else  if 


l6  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

you  will  let  a  little  into  the  church.     Our  cry  to 
you,  as  to  the  sexton,  is,  "  Give  us  air ! " 

If  you  will  bear  in  mind  that  all  the  people 
who  enter  your  new  church  have  both  ears  and 
lungs,  you  will  earn  the  lasting  gratitude  of  many 
besides  Yours  truly, 

A.    MoSSBACK. 


AN  OPEN  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSSBACK 

TO  THE  YOUNG  PEOPLE  OF 

HIS  CHURCH. 


Dear  Young  Friends  : 

I  find  that  the  possibilities  of  the  "don't"  lit- 
erature are  not  yet  exhausted.  A  little  while  ago, 
I  noticed  that  a  clergyman,  in  a  grave  charge  to  a 
reverend  pastor,  gave  wise  and  weighty  counsel  in 
a  cluster  of  "  don'ts,"  so  let  me  fall  in  with  the 
fashion  of  the  day  and  say  to  you  : 

Don't  mistake  flattery  for  genuine  and  deserved 

praise. 

Don't,  however,   despise   the   good  opinion  of 

wise  men. 


THE     MOSSDACK    CORRKSPONDENCK.  1 7 

Don't  underestimate  yourselves. 

Don't,  on  the  other  hand,  overestimate  your- 
selves or  think  that  the  world  can't  get  along 
without  you.  It  existed,  remember,  some  time 
before  you  came  into  it. 

Don't,  in  other  words,  mistake  the  pedestal  for 
the  statue.  If  you  are  raised  pretty  well  up  in 
the  world  ask  yourselves  whether  it  is  your  own 
worth  or  your  father's  wealth  or  the  position  you 
happen,  by  accident,  to  fill,  that  makes  you  promi- 
nent. 

Don't  make  a  cloak  of  your  modesty  and  diffi- 
dence to  keep  you  from  doing  a  duty  ;  such  a 
cloak  is  apt  to  prove  the  shroud  of  many  a  good 
deed. 

Don't  be  forth-putting  and  obstreperous. 

Don't  be  too  familiar  with  those  who  are  older 
and  wiser  than  yourselves  ;  such  familiarity  is  the 
kind  that  breeds  contempt  (for  yourselves).  The 
advances  should  come  from  the  older  person. 

Don't  praise  yourselves.  The  world  will  soon 
find  out  your  good  points  if  you  don't  brag  of 
them.  The  surest  way  to  prevent  their  being 
seen  is  to  call  attention  to  them. 

Don't  forget  the  little  proprieties  of  life  in  the 


l8  Tin-:     MIJSSIIACK    COKKI:SI'ONI)l^NCI•. 

Station  whicli  you  occupy  and  in  your  relations  to 
oil.  Ts.  To  forj^ct  them  is  to  render  yourselves 
disagreeable.  To  remember  them  is  to  make 
yourselves  respected,  beloved  and  sought  after. 

Yours  truly, 

A.    MOSSDACK. 


ANOTHER  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSS- 
BACK  TO  THE  YOUNG  PEOPLE 
OF  HIS  CHURCH. 


My  Dear  Young  Friends  : 

I  sent  you,  recently,  with  my  best  wishes,  some 
"don'ts."  Let  me  this  week  send  you  some 
"dos."  This,  I  think,  is  the  more  profitable 
letter  of  the  two,  for  one  "do"  is  worth  ten 
"don'ts." 

Do  be  natural.  Even  an  ass  looks  a  deal  better 
in  his  own  skin  than  when  he  dons  the  lion's  hide. 

Do  be  modest.  The  most  absurd  bird  on  earth 
is  the  turkey-cock.  He  never  succeeded  in  im- 
posing on  any  one   but   a  very  small   child,  and 


THE     MOSSnACK    COKRKSPONnENCE.  IQ 

even   the  child   soon   finds  out  that  he  is  not  so 
formidable  as  he  hjoks. 

Do  be  sensible.  Whenever  I  ^^o  to  Central 
Park,  I  look  into  the  monkey-house,  but  I  should 
dislike  to  live  in  the  monkey's  cage,  queer  as  are 
the  antics  of  the  occupants,  and  I  should  very 
much  dislike  to  see  any  of  my  youn<;  friends  liv- 
ing with  them  behind  the  bars. 

Do  be  cordial  in  your  manner.  A  cold-blooded 
fish  is  very  well  in  the  sea,  or  in  the  refrigerator, 
but  I  should  never  think  of  shaking  hands  with  it. 

Do  be  cheerful  in  your  demeanor.  A  pelican 
in  the  wilderness  was  an  excellent  simile  for  the 
Psalmist  when  he  was  miserable  and  distressed, 
but  he  did  not  often  resemble  the  pelican,  and  it 
is  unfortunate  to  put  this  bird  upon  one's  family 
coat-of-arms. 

Do  be  " kindly  affectioned  one  to  another."  I 
think  the  English  sparrow  is  so  universally  detes- 
ted, in  large  part,  on  account  of  its  quarrelsome 
disposition.  It  is  easy  for  the  young  people  in 
any  family  to  resemble  a  brood  of  English  spar- 
rows, but  it  is  not  a  disposition  to  be  desired,  and 
I  would  not  cultivate  it.         Your  friend, 

A.    Moss  BACK. 


20  THE     MOSSIiACK     CORRESPONDENCE. 

AN  OPEN  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSSBACK 
TP  THE   PERT  "SALESLADY." 


My  Dear  Young  Friend  : 

I  know  that  you  are  very  smart  and  attractive, 
or,  at  least,  I  know  that  there  are  two  people  who 
think  so,  namely,  yourself  and  that  young  man 
with  the  downy  moustache  who  took  you  to  the 
concert  last  night  ;  but,  really,  I  would  not  pre- 
sume too  much  on  these  alleged  attractions,  for 
bangs  and  red  cheeks  are  not  so  uncommon  or  of 
such  excessive  worth  as  to  make  up  for  a  lack 
of  grace  and  gentleness  and  all  other  womanly 
charms.  You  are  not  serving  your  employers 
when  you  take  especial  pains  to  make  yourself 
attractive  to  the  afore-mentioned  young  man,  but 
only  when  you  make  yourself  useful  to  the  cus- 
tomer. 

Now  when  I  went  into  the  store  where  you 
serve,  the  other  day,  to  buy  a  pair  of  gloves,  I 
was  not  the  more  inclined  to  buy  when  you  threw 
down  half-a-dozen  pairs  without  helping  me  select 
the  ones  I  wanted,  while  all  the  time  you  kept 
chattering  to  the  girl  at  the  next  counter  concern- 


THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  21 

ing  the  concert,  and  the  afore-mentioned  young 
man.  Then,  when  I  ventured  to  ask  if  those 
gloves  would  wear  well,  you  did  not  reassure  me 
in  regard  to  their  quality  by  telling  me  in  freez- 
ing tones  that  "you  sold  no  poor  gloves." 

I  know  that  I  am  rather  a  shabby  old  man, 
and  do  not  look  as  though  I  had  a  great  deal  of 
money  to  invest,  and  I  am  quite  well  aware  that 
my  moustache  is  not  as  silky  or  my  coat  as  stylish 
as  are  those  of  the  young  man  of  whom  I  have 
spoken,  but  then,  I  have  some  claims  to  your 
kindly  offices  as  well  as  he. 

I  almost  hesitate  to  tell  you,  you  seem  so  obliv- 
ious to  the  fact,  but,  really,  you  do  not  own  the 
whole  store,  or  even  that  pair  of  gloves  that  I 
wanted  to  buy.  You  are  simply  there  to  sell 
goods,  and  not  to  gabble  with  your  neighbors,  or 
to  treat  with  lofty  scorn  the  threadbare  customer. 

You  will  pardon  an  old  gentleman  for  remind- 
ing you  of  this  fact,  I  am  sure,  which,  if  remem- 
bered, will  make  you  far  more  agreeable  and 
attractive,  at  least,  to 

Your  friend, 

A.    MoSSBACK. 


22  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

AN  OPEN  LETTER  TO  GRANDFATHER 

METHUSELAH. 


Dear  Grandfather : 

You  and  I  have  much  in  common.  We  are 
fond  of  the  good  old  ways.  We  are  opposed  to 
innovations,  and  it  often  seems  to  us  that  the 
world  is  going  to  rack  and  ruin.  But  I  have  be- 
gun to  think  of  late,  as  I  intimated  the  other  day 
in  a  letter  to  my  brother,  that  perhaps,  after  all, 
the  trouble  may  be  partly  in  us.  I  have  noticed 
that  a  deaf  person  often  thinks  that  the  preacher 
mumbles  his  words,  and  does  "wish  people  would 
speak  more  distinctly"  ;  while  a  person  whose  eye- 
sight is  growing  dim,  through  increasing  years,  is 
sure  to  wish  that  these  editors  would  n't  print 
their  paper  in  such  miserably  small  type. 

My  apprehension  that  the  change  for  the  worse 
may  be  in  us,  and  not  in  the  hurrying  world 
around  us,  is  increased  by  the  fact  that  your 
Grandfather  Jared  and  his  father,  Mahalaleel, 
were  just  as  firmly  convinced  that  they  had  fallen 
upon  degenerate  days,  and  that  the  "good  old 
days"  were  back  in  the  time  of  Enos  and  Seth 


THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPOXDEXCE.  2$ 

and  Adam.  What  Father  Adam  thought  on  this 
question,  I  am  not  sure,  but  I  am  confident  that 
he  must  have  been  disgusted  with  the  pranks  of 
Cain  and  Abel,  and  wondered  what  was  the  use 
of  boys,  since  he  never  was  one  himself.  These 
unanimous  views  of  our  ancestors  have  set  me  to 
thinking,  and  I  have  almost  come  to  the  conclu- 
sion that  there  never  were  any  "good  old  times." 
They  are  all  like  the  Jack-o'-lantern ;  when  you 
follow  them  up,  you  can  never  find  them. 

"Merrie  England  was  a  far  more  melancholy 
place  for  the  common  people  than  modern  Eng- 
land. And  "good  Queen  Bess"  was  not  half  as 
worthy  of  the  title  as  good  Queen  Victoria,  and 
the  "Grand  Monarque"  was  a  most  paltry  and 
contemptible  fellow,  on  the  whole.  I  have  about 
made  up  my  mind  to  live  in  the  present,  instead 
of  the  past ;  to  do  what  little  I  can  to  make  the 
passing  days  better,  instead  of  groaning  over  the 
departure  of  the  "good  old  times." 

Won't  you  move  into  the  nineteenth  century, 
and  take  hold  with  me  ? 

Yours   cordially, 

A.    MoSSBACK. 


24  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

AN  OPEN  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSSBACK 
TO  REV.  E.  RESPECTABLE. 


Dear  Brother : 

It  is  said  that  the  greatest  vices  are  only  the 
greatest  virtues  perverted,  and  I  suppose  it  is  also 
true  that  the  little  failings  which  injure  your  use- 
fulness and  mine  are  often  but  the  perversion  of 
some  otherwise  admirable  trait  of  character. 

Since  I  am  old  Mr.  Mossback,  undoubtedly 
your  senior  by  many  years,  let  me  urge  you  to 
make  less  of  a  virtue  of  your  eminent  respect- 
ability. 

It  is  a  very  good  thing  to  be  proper  and  minis- 
terial, yes,  to  be  eminently  respectable,  if  we  only 
have  something  else  to  accompany  our  respect- 
ability. But  to  let  that  take  the  place  of  fervor 
and  earnestness  and  devotion  and  spirituality,  is 
like  putting  a  black  coat  and  white  choker  up  in 
the  pulpit,  and  expecting  them  to  do  the  preach- 
ing. 

Eminent  respectability  like  faith,  being  alone,  is 
dead.  Eminent  respectability  never  saved  a  soul. 
Eminent  respectability  never  lifted  a  drunkard  out 


THE     MOSSliACK     CORRESPONDENCE.  2$ 

of  the  gutter.  It  has  often  passed  by  on  the 
other  side,  but  it  seldom  gets  off  of  its  own  beast 
and  puts  the  wounded  wayfarer  in  its  place. 

Eminent  respectability  cannot  reach  the  heart 
of  a  little  child,  cannot  quiet  the  fluttering  pulse 
of  the  dying  sinner,  cannot  bring  the  Magdalene 
up  to  its  own  serene  level.  It  is  all  very  admira- 
ble when  mixed  in  due  and  just  proportions  with 
earnest  love  to  Christ,  and  unflagging  devotion  to 
the  souls  for  which  Christ  died,  but  it  is  a  very 
poor  and  barren  substitute  for  either.  A  marble 
image,  spotless  and  flawless,  is  very  good  in  an 
art  gallery,  but  it  would  be  uncomfortable  to  have 
such  an  image  for  one's  constant  companion. 

I  am  not  very  good  at  quoting  poetry,  and  Ten- 
nyson's flowery  verses  do  not  fit  my  homely,  old- 
fashioned  I'^tters  very  well,  but  it  seems  to  me  he 
says  something  in  disparagement  of  being 

"Faultily  faultless,  icily  regular,  splendidly  null." 

Please  look  up  that  sentiment  and  make  appli- 
cation of  it,  will  you  not  ? 

Your  friend  and  brother, 

A.    MOSSBACK. 


26  THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

AN  OPEN  LETTP:R  TO  THE  RIGHT  REV. 
FATHER    NECKTIE. 


Dear  Brother : 

I  think  you  are  related  by  marriage,  are  you 
not,  to  Rev.  Eminently  Respectable,  to  whom  I 
wrote  recently?  I  would  not  imply  by  the  title 
prefixed  to  your  name  that  you  necessarily  belong 
to  the  liturgical  orders  or  that  you  always  wear  a 
gown  and  bands.  You  sometimes  belong  to  the 
non-liturgical  orders.  You  are  not  nearly  so 
numerous  as  you  used  to  be,  for  there  are  few  of 
our  profession  in  these  days  that  are  known  only 
by  their  clothes.  In  fact,  I  think  sometimes,  in 
my  old  fogy  way,  that  the  pendulum  has  swung 
too  far  to  the  other  extreme,  and  that  some  of 
our  younger  clergymen  have  shown  undue  anxiety 
not  to  be  known  by  their  "cloth,"  but  occasionally 
we  see  one  of  your  kind  in  these  days.  I  saw 
him  get  into  the  horse-cars  the  other  day.  I 
should  have  known  that  he  was  a  preacher  of 
some  denomination  at  least  two  blocks  away,  or  as 
far  as  he  could  be  seen  with  the  naked  eye.  He 
stepped   daintily,  so  as   not   to  soil   his   exquisite 


THE  MOSSBACK  CORRESPONDENCE.      2/ 

boots.      He  flirted  his  immaculate  coat-tails  in  a 
peculiar  professional  manner,  and  spread  them  out 
so  as  to  take  up  two  seats  in  the   horse-car  in- 
stead of  one,  and  I  could  see  the  conductor  and 
driver  tip  each  other  the  wink  when  the  car  came 
to  a  stand-still  to  receive  him,  as  though  he  was 
a  familiar  and  amusing  passenger  on  their  route. 
I    am    not   very  good  at   the  dead   languages   in 
these  days,  and  I  forget  the  Latin  for  "necktie," 
or  whether  indeed  the  old  Romans  used  such  an 
article  of  personal  decoration,  but  a  motto  which 
would  not  be  inappropriate  to  your  family  coat-of- 
arms  would  be  :  Necktie  et  prceterca  Nihil.     Any 
such  haberdashery  is  very  poor  stock  in  trade  for 
a  minister,  if  he  hasn't  a  good  deal  to  go  with  it. 
The  more  necktie  a  man  displays,  the  more  brains 
and  heart  he  ought  to  have  to  support  it.     A  very 
brainy  and  very  earnest  man  can  support  a  good 
deal   of    finery,   but    ordinary  men,   like  you   and 
me,  should  make  their  peculiarly  ministerial  garb 
inconspicuous  and  modest.      I  forget  who  it  was 
who  remarked  that   the  only  difference  in  these 
days  between  a  priest  and  a  layman  was  that  the 
former  buttoned  his  standing  collar   behind   and 
the  latter  in  front.      Let  that,  dear  brother,  not  be 


28  THE    M0SSI3ACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

the  only  distinction  by  which  wc  shall  be  known 
to  this  observant  world. 

Your  friend, 

A.    MOSSBACK. 


AN  OPEN  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSSBACK 
TO  SISTER  GRUMBLE. 


Dear  Sister  : 

Did  you  ever  think  what  a  useless  body  you  are 
in  the  world?  One  of  the  strongest  arguments 
against  the  doctrine  of  evolution  and  the  survival 
of  the  fittest  is  that  you  survive  end  that  there 
are  so  many  like  you.  The  only  way  in  which  I 
can  understand  your  existence  is  on  the  ground 
that  some  useless  appendages  and  functions  are 
found  in  certain  of  the  lower  animals.  They  are 
not  needed  now,  and  they  are  entirely  useless,  but 
in  some  past  age,  in  the  struggle  for  existence, 
these  functions  were  of  some  now  forgotten  value, 
and,  though  they  are  on  the  way  to  extinction, 
they  have  not  wholly  disappeared.  So  it  is  with 
you,  I  suppose. 


THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  29 

Let  me  ask  you  candidly,  Have  you  ever  made 
any  one  the  better  or  happier  by  your  grumbling 
and  fault-finding?  Does  the  minister  preach  bet- 
ter sermons,  or  has  he  called  oftener  upon  you, 
since  you  gave  him  *•  a  piece  of  your  mind"? 
You  know  when  he  called  the  last  time  your  first 
words  were,  "  Why,  what  a  stranger  you  are  ;  I 
thought  you  never  were  coming  to  see  mc  again." 
And  when  he  mildly  replied  that  he  made  as 
many  pastoral  calls  as  he  could,  you  reminded  him 
that  he  had  called  on  rich  Deacon  X.  since  he 
had  called  on  you. 

Then  you  told  him  that  your  daughter  didn't 
like  her  Sunday  school  teacher,  and  that  your 
grown  up  son  didn't  have  any  attention  paid  him 
by  the  young  men  of  the  church,  and  that  nobody 
noticed  you  when  you  went  to  church,  and  that 
you  thought  Deacon  Z.  was  no  better  than  he 
ought  to  be,  and  that  the  wife  of  the  superin- 
tendent dressed  too  expensively  for  a  woman  in 
her  station. 

Do  you  really  think  that  either  you  or  your 
pastor  were  benefited  by  that  call  ?  Yes,  I  think 
you  may  have  been  a  means  of  grace  to  him,  just 
as  a  severe  affliction,  or  a  broken  leg,  or  an  attack 


30  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

of  toothache  might  be,  if  he  bore  it  patiently; 
but  I  would  not  covet  this  means  of  blessing  your 
pastor  and  other  friends,  if  I  were  you.  Why 
not  change  your  name  and  nature,  Sister  Grum- 
ble? 

Yours  truly, 

A.   MoSSBACK. 


AN  OPEN  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSSBACK 
TO  BROTHER  READYWIT. 


Dear  Brother : 

I  don't  suppose  there  is  so  much  credit  due  to 
you  for  doing  the  correct  thing  as  some  people 
suppose,  since  you  seem  to  have  been  born  with 
the  knack,  but  it  is  none  the  less  pleasant  to  have 
you  about.  Some  of  us  poor  blunderers  are  so 
often  doing  the  wrong  thing  at  the  right  time, 
or  the  right  thing  at  the  wrong  time,  that  it  is 
delightful  to  have  one  man  in  our  church  who 
always  seems  to  be  able  to  do  the  right  thing  at 
the  right  time. 

I  remember  how  skilful  you  are  in  keeping  the 


THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  3 1 

business  of  the  church  in  the  right  channel,  and 
how,  like  an  Indian  guide  in  his  canoe,  by  dipping 
in  a  paddle  here  and  a  paddle  there,  without  seem- 
ing to  do  very  much,  you  really  steer  between 
Scylla  and  Charybdis.  When  the  organ  was 
moved  from  the  back  to  the  front  of  the  church, 
and  when  the  old  sexton  was  put  out,  and  when 
the  new  ventilator  was  put  in,  it  was  your  judi- 
cious and  thoughtful  words  that  reconciled  every- 
body to  these  momentous  changes,  and  prevented 
a  church  quarrel.  I  remember,  also,  when  poor, 
stumbling  John  Jones  said  just  the  thing  he  never 
meant  to  say,  in  the  prayer-meeting,  and  set  the 
boys  to  snickering,  how  you  got  up  and  com- 
mended the  beautiful  thought  which  he  had  in  his 
mind,  but  could  not  express,  while  you  brought  it 
out  so  that  all  could  see  its  beauty.  I  call  to 
mind  how,  after  the  meeting,  you  always  take 
special  pains  to  shake  hands  with  Mary  Johnson, 
and  say  a  kind  word  to  her  when  she  has  com- 
pletely lost  her  courage  and  her  memory  and  her 
voice,  in  trying  to  repeat  the  first  verse  of  the 
23d  Psalm.  I  shall  not  soon  forget,  either,  the 
evening  when  a  crank  came  into  our  meeting,  and 
tried   to   prove   that    the   earth   was    hollow  and 


32  THE     MOSSnACK     CORRESPONDENCE. 

inhabited  on  the  inside,  how  you  started  "  Nearer, 
My  God,  to  Thee,"  and  at  once  brought  the  meet- 
ing back  to  its  proper  tone. 

These  are  little  things,  perhaps,  but  they  are 
as  well  worth  recording  to  your  credit  as  if  you 
had  conquered  armies,  and  captured  cities.  What 
is  better,  I  believe,  too,  that  they  arc  all  recorded 
in  heaven. 

Your  friend, 

0 

A.    MOSSBACK. 


AN  OPEN  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSSBACK 
TO  MISS  PERTIE  PICKLES. 


Dear  Miss  Pickles  : 

You  will  excuse  an  old  gentleman  like  Mr. 
Mossback,  who  is  old  enough  to  be  your  great- 
grandfather, if  he  gives  you  a  few  grandfatherly 
words  of  advice.  Did  you  ever  imagine  how 
much  of  a  mistake  you  make  in  being  slightly  too 
acidulous  ?  Not  that  I  would  have  you  sweetly 
insipid,  characterless  and  flat,  but  there  is  a  happy 
mean  between  molasses  and  vinegar,  which  most 


TiiK   MossiJAcK   C( h<ki:sih)M)i:nci:.  i^ 

people  prefer  as  a  steady  diet,  to  either  extreme 
of  sweetness  or  sourness.  In  faet,  the  majority 
of  mankind,  if  they  must  choose,  would  rather 
have  their  food  a  little  too  sweet  than  a  little  too 
sour. 

Your  bright  speeches  are  quoted  far  and  wide, 
and  your  happy  repartees  are  the  pride  of  all  your 
friends,  but  there  is  such  a  thing  as  being  too 
sharp.  According  to  a  homely  old  adage,  such 
people  as  you  are  apt  to  cut  themselves.  You 
remember  that  bright  remark  you  made  about  old 
Deacon  Slowcoach,  which  so  added  to  your  repu- 
tation as  a  wit,  and  the  mirth-provoking  way  in 
which  you  took  off  Parson  Awkward,  last  sum- 
mer, really  it  was  very  amusing ;  but  did  you 
know  it  made  your  best  friends  half  afraid  of  you, 
lest  you  should  take  them  off  in  the  same  way  ? 
The  other  girls  will  applaud,  but  they  will  secretly 
fear  you,  and  the  young  men,  while  they  laugh 
uproariously  at  your  wit,  will  be  unapproachable 
even  in  leap  year.  To  work  the  old  simile  a  little 
harder  —  the  young  man  that  is  on  the  lookout 
for  "the  best  girl  in  all  the  world  "  to  sit  opposite 
to  him  at  the  table,  through  life,  and  pour  out  his 
tea,  will  prefer  to  have  her  drop  a  lump  of  sugar 


34  THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

into  his  cup,  rather  than  a  few  drops  of  lemon- 
juice. 

If  your  tongue  is  a  Damascus  blade,  sharpened 
on  both  edges,  use  it  sparingly  and  cautiously ; 
let  your  raillery  be  good-natured ;  laugh  with  peo- 
ple rather  than  at  them,  and  they  will  love  you  all 
the  better  for  it. 

To  put  it  briefly,  wit  and  sarcasm  and  irony, 
like  fire,  water,  electricity,  a  hot  temper,  and 
many  other  good  things,  are  capital  servants,  but 
very  poor  masters.  "  Better  is  he  that  ruleth  his 
spirit  than  he  that  taketh  a  city." 

Your  friend, 

A.    MoSSBACK. 


AN  OPEN  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSSBACK 
TO  MISS  RAPID. 


Dear  Miss  Rapid  : 

I  understand  ^\\a\.  you  are  second  cousin  to 
Miss  Pertie  Picklc.i,  to  whom  I  had  the  pleasure 
of  writing  last  week ;  but  while  there  are  many 
things  that  I  like  and  even  admire  about  your 
cousin,  you  are  utterly  distasteful  to  me,  and  I 


THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  35 

think  you  are  no  less  so  even  to  those  who  are 
not  so  old-fogyish  and  antiquated  as  I  am.  Ex- 
cuse plain  words  —  they  are  needed.  A  "  fast 
girl "  can  understand  no  others,  because  the  very 
fact  that  she  is  "fast"  shows  that  her  moral  sense 
is  blunted,  and  that  mild  expostulations  will  do 
but  little  good.  It  is  not  so  much  that  you  like 
to  flirt,  and  be  out  on  the  street  late,  and  talk 
slang,  and  dress  in  a  "loud"  way  to  attract  atten- 
tion, but  the  sad  thing  about  your  case  is  that 
these  outward  things  show  a  corrupt  heart. 

At  this  time  of  year  I  sometimes  buy  apples 
that  are  not  very  fair  upon  the  outside ;  they  may 
even  be  wizened  and  knurly,  but  if  they  are  sweet 
and  sound  at  the  core,  I  do  not  greatly  object,  but 
when  I  see  specks  on  the  outside  that  indicate 
that  all  under  the  skin  is  decayed,  I  do  not  ask 
my  grocer  to  send  home  any  of  these  apples. 

With  all  seriousness  and  solicitude,  my  dear 
Miss  Rapid,  let  me  say  to  you  that  you  are  sell- 
ing your  birthright  very  cheap.  When  for  a  few 
"good  times"  you  cast  a  suspicion  upon  your 
character,  you  get  even  less  than  Esau  got  for 
his.  A  wilted  violet  is  worth  very  little ;  a  bedrag- 
gled  rose  is   not   sought  after;   if   the  bloom  is 


36  THE     MOSSIJACK     CORRESPOXDExVCE. 

brushed  off  the  peach,  it  cannot  be  restored.  You 
may  say  that  you  mean  no  harm,  and  that  you 
do  nothing  wrong.  Ah,  but  you  do  something 
wrong !  No  Newgate  crime,  perhaps  ;  no  specific 
violation  of  the  Ten  Commandments,  possibly, 
can  be  charged  against  you,  but  you  are  lowering 
with  every  "fast"  step  and  "loud"  action  the 
respect  of  men  for  womankind.  You  are  not  sin- 
ning against  your  own  soul  only,  but  against  all 
your  sisterhood,  and,  in  fact,  all  the  brotherhood 
as  well.  There  is  no  need  of  this  alternative,  but 
it  would  be  a  great  deal  better  for  you  to  follow 
in  the  footsteps  of  Miss  Prim,  or  Miss  Prude,  or 
Miss  Particular,  than  any  longer  to  bear  the  name 
or  fame  of  Miss  Rapid. 

Very  truly  yours, 

A.    MOSSBACK. 


AN  OPEN  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSSBACK 
TO    MASTER   FORWARD. 


Dear  Sonny : 

I  am  sorry  that  there  is  such  a  misapprehension 
on  your  part  concerning  your  own  age.     While 


THE     MOSSBACK     CORRESPONDENCE.  3/ 

you  look  like  a  boy,  you  act  like  an  undergrown 
man.  You  have  an  opinion,  which  you  are  always 
ready  to  express,  on  every  subject  under  the 
heavens.  Whether  it  is  the  nebular  hypothesis, 
or  the  socialistic  theories  of  Henry  George,  or 
the  relative  value  of  razors,  or  the  latest  ballet, 
you  have  your  ever-ready  opinion.  You  never 
were  a  little  boy,  in  your  own  estimation,  you 
never  seem  to  have  had  a  weakness  for  marbles 
and  tops,  and  as  for  the  time  when  you  had  a 
piece  of  chalk  and  a  sling  and  an  apple-core  and  a 
few  shingle-nails  and  a  broken  jackknife  in  your 
pocket,  I  can  hardly  imagine  it.  But,  do  you 
know,  I  do  not  like  you  nearly  so  well  as  the  little 
boy  whom,  very  likely,  you  look  down  upon  with 
much  pitying  contempt.  I  like  him  better,  even 
if  he  is  sometimes  noisy  and  boisterous,  and  if  he 
knows  far  less  than  you  do  about  socialism  and 
evolution  and  the  latest  divorce  scandal.  I  would 
like  him  better,  even  if  he  had  a  torn  jacket  and 
a  dirty  face,  than  you  with  a  swollow-tail  and 
beaver  and  a  big,  silver-headed  cane. 

Did  you  ever  think  that  God  never  makes  pre- 
cosities }  He  never  made  a  four-year-old  colt  in 
five    minutes.       He    never    intended    that    there 


38  THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

should  be  a  man  until  there  had  first  been  a  boy, 
except  in  the  case  of  Adam,  and  I  think  Adam 
must  have  missed  a  great  deal  in  not  having  a 
chance  to  be  a  boy. 

There  is  a  great  difference  between  being 
manly  and  mannisJi.  A  manly  boy  is  the  joy  of 
my  heart ;  a  mannish  boy  is  an  eyesore  and  an 
offence.  In  order  to  become  manly,  you  must 
first  get  over  being  mannish.  Perhaps  you  think 
this  is  only  the  opinion  of  an  old  fogy,  named 
Mossback,  but  ask  any  sensible  man  about  it,  and 
see  if  he  does  not  confirm  the  words  of 

Your  old  friend, 

A.  Mossback. 


AN  OPEN  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSSBACK 
TO  BROTHER  HARD -UP. 


Dear  Mr.   Hard-up  : 

I  do  not  think  you  understand  how  much  of 
a  hindrance  you  frequently  are  to  the  cause  of 
religion.  Your  perennial  and  perpetual  shortness 
of  cash  would  be  pitiable  if  only  you  were  con- 


THE     MOSSBACK     CORRESPONDENXE.  39 

cerned,  but  when  the  cause  of  the  Redeemer  suf- 
fers thereby,  your  miserliness  assumes  ahnost  the 
guise  of  a  crime.  I  used  to  think  when  you  were 
young,  that  your  pinching  economy  had  some 
excuse,  and  that  really  you  were  obliged  to  live 
as  a  niggard  ;  but  I  cannot  see  that  you  are  any 
more  generous,  now  that  your  possessions  foot  up 
a  round  hundred  thousand.  Your  minister  always 
hesitates  to  start  any  project  in  the  parish  that 
requires  money,  for  he  knows  that  Bro.  Hard-up 
can  never  be  induced  to  favor  it,  and  his  opposi- 
tion will  affect  a  score  of  others ;  and  so  the 
pulpit  cushion  is  frayed,  and  the  curtains  behind 
the  pulpit  are  ragged  and  faded,  and  the  organ  is 
out  of  tune,  and  the  carpet  is  worn  out,  and 
things  generally  have  a  shiftless  and  unkempt 
appearance.  The  missionary  contribution  is  a 
mere  apology  for  a  collection,  the  minister  is  half- 
starved,  and  religion,  as  exhibited  in  your  church, 
is  becoming  a  mockery  and  reproach. 

Just  open  your  heart  and  your  pocket-book, 
Brother  Hard-up,  and  you  will  find  a  wonderful 
change  for  the  better.  Your  generosity  will  stim- 
ulate others  to  give  more,  and  the  whole  church 
will  assume  a  different  aspect  in  the  eyes  of  the 


40  THE     MOSSBACK     CORRESPONDENCE. 

outside    community.       Every    one    will    see    that 
religion   means   something  to  you,  that  it   is   not 
simply   a   prayer-meeting   exhortation.      And   you 
have  no  idea  how  much  happier  you  will  be  your- 
self.    I   used  to  know  of  a  miserly  boy  away  at 
school,  who  frequently  had  a  barrel  of  apples  sent 
him  by  his  parents.      In   order  to  save  them,  he 
always  ate  the  half-decayed  apples  first,  and  saved 
the  good  ones  for  the  future.      The  consequence 
was  that  he  was  always  eating  specked  fruit.      I 
think  you   have   been   doing  the   same   thing  all 
your  life.     You   have    been    so    anxious    to    save 
everything  that  you  have  always  been  eating  the 
specked  apples.      Do  try  the  best  fruit  which  life 
has  to  offer  before  you  die.      You  will  find  it  by 
giving  away  some  of  your  surplus  apples,  and  not 
by  saving  them   all   for  the   ungrateful   relatives 
who  will  quarrel  over  them  when  you  are  dead. 

Your  friend, 

A.    MOSSBACK. 


THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  4I 

AN  OPEN   LETTER  TO   THE    MAN  WHO 
"SPEAKS  TO  EDIFICATION." 


Dear  Brother : 

You  may  think  from  my  name  and  generally 
ancient  flavor,  as  revealed  by  my  previous  letters, 
that  I  will  be  your  stanch  defender.  You  think, 
perhaps,  that  I  have  no  sympathy  with  the  new- 
fangled ideas  about  brevity  and  pithiness  in  the 
prayer-meeting,  but  you  are  very  much  mistaken. 
I  have  seen  the  error  of  my  ways,  and  no  longer 
value  a  prayer-meeting  utterance  according  to  its 
length  and  prosiness.  In  fact,  I  cannot  approve 
of  you,  for  the  following  reasons :  When  you 
undertake  to  "edify"  the  brethren,  you  want  at 
least  ten  minutes  to  do  it  in ;  thus  you  take  seven 
minutes  that  belong  to  the  other  brethren  and 
sisters.  It  is  not  a  sufficient  excuse  for  you  to 
say  that  they  will  not  take  the  minutes,  and  that 
you  must  "occupy  the  time."  You  and  the  other 
"edifyers"  are  responsible  for  there  being  so  much 
spare  time  in  the  prayer-meeting  to  occupy.  You 
can't  perform  another's  duty  by  occupying  his 
time,  and  all  your  brothers  and  sisters  have  a  duty 


42  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

in  the  prayer-meeting  as  well  as  yourself.  Again 
I  cannot  approve  of  you  because  you  have  totally 
misconceived  the  object  of  a  prayer-meeting.  It 
is  not  to  give  instruction,  but  to  impart  spiritual 
warmth.  If  you  want  to  impart  instruction  get  a 
call  to  some  church,  or  hire  a  hall,  or  take  a  Sun- 
day school  class.  You  will  have  ample  opportu- 
nity then  to  exercise  your  gifts,  but  do  spare  us  in 
the  prayer-meeting ;  for,  in  the  ordinary  ten  min- 
utes harangue,  there  is  about  as  much  life-giving, 
spiritual  warmth  as  there  is  in  the  north  side  of 
an  iceberg.  Pardon  this  plain  admonition,  and 
believe  me 

Ever  yours, 

A.    MoSSBACK. 


AN  OPEN  LETTER    TO    THE  MAN  WHO 

PRESENTS  THE  TOP  OF  HIS  BALD 

HEAD  TO  THE  MINISTER. 


Dear  Sir  : 

Perhaps  you  are  not  aware  that  there  is  usually 
one  of  you  in  every  audience.  Sometimes  there 
are  several  of  you,  but  rarely  is  an  audience  so 


THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  43 

fortunate  as  not  to  contain  one  of  your  brother- 
hood. It  may  not  be  strictly  in  accordance  with 
truth  to  imply  that  your  head  is  always  bald,  but 
it  frequently  is,  but  even  if  it  is  well  covered  with 
a  luxurious  capillary  growth,  it  is  not  an  inspiring 
part  of  your  anatomy  to  present  to  the  minister. 

You  have  put  your  head  forward  on  the  seat,  I 
know,  to  indulge  in  quiet  meditation  upon  the 
truth ;  far  be  it  from  me  even  to  intimate  that  you 
ever  indulge  in  a  furtive  nap  while  your  head  is 
thus  bowed  so  reverently ;  of  course  you  do  not ; 
it  is  not  on  this  ground  that  I  would  think  of 
sending  you  this  friendly  note.  But  did  you  ever 
think  how  very  little  expression  there  is  in  the 
top  of  your  head.?  Really,  it  aids  your  pastor 
exceedingly  little  to  gaze  down  upon  that  portion 
of  your  skull.  He  is  glad  to  know,  undoubtedly, 
that  you  have  a  well-developed  cerebrum  and  cere- 
bellum, and  would  be  particularly  glad  to  see  that 
your  bump  of  benevolence  was  large  and  promi- 
nent, but  he  is  hardly  near  enough  to  you  to 
observe  these  things,  and  he  gains  no  other  in- 
formation from  what  he  sees. 

Now  if    he  saw  your  eyes  fixed  steadily  upon 
him,  it  would  help  him  wonderfully,  and  when  they 


44  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

kindled  with  a  recognition  of  the  greatness  or 
beauty  of  his  theme,  he,  too,  would  kindle  and 
give  you  back  more  than  he  received.  If  you 
even  turned  sideways  and  presented  your  ear, 
though  it  is  not  so  expressive,  yet  it  would  encour- 
age him  with  the  thought  that  you  were  "drinking 
in  "  the  message ;  but  God  did  not  make  the  top 
of  your  head  to  see  with  or  hear  with.  You 
surely  would  not  go  into  your  pastor's  parlor,  and 
while  he  was  talking  with  you,  bow  before  him  in 
such  an  attitude,  and  I  can  assure  you  he  asks  for 
no  such  reverential  posture  while  he  is  preaching 
to  you.  Suppose  all  the  congregation  should  do 
the  same,  you  can  easily  imagine  that  he  would 
soon  send  in  his  resignation.  But  you  do  not 
wish  him  to  do  this,  I  am  sure.  You  do  wish  him 
to  preach  with  power  and  earnestness.  Then 
help  him  to  do  this  by  keeping  ymr  eyes  fixed  up- 
on him  during  the  sermon.  This,  at  least,  is  the 
advice  of 

Your  friend, 

A.    MoSSBACK. 


THE     MOSSBACK     CORRESPONDENCE.  45 

AN  OPEN    LETTER    TO    THE    TEACH I<:R 

WHO  IS  HAHITUALLY  ABSENT 

FROM  HIS  CLASS. 


Dear  Sir  : 

You  have  been  absent  from  your  Sunday 
school  class  many  times  during  the  past  fifty-two 
weeks.  If  you  had  only  been  absent  once  or 
twice,  or  if  you  had  made  a  strenuous  effort  to 
provide  a  substitute  when  absent,  I  would  have  no 
message  to  send  you  ;  but  you  are  one  of  those 
teachers  who  come  when  you  feel  like  it  and  stay 
away  when  you  feel  like  it,  and  never  offer  to 
resign  so  that  a  more  faithful  man  may  be  found 
to  take  your  place. 

You  are  a  tribulation  to  the  superintendent,  and 
a  rock  of  offence  to  the  school,  and  a  stumbling- 
block  to  every  young  Christian.  I  speak  strongly, 
for  you  are  a  hard  case,  and  soft  words  would  be 
wasted  on  you.  I  am  forced  to  believe  from  your 
actions  that  no  motive  su£  ciently  high  influences 
you  as  a  teacher.  You  are  not  thus  spasmodic 
and  uncertain  in  your  business.  You  are  found 
at  your  store  promptly  Monday  morning  and 
every  morning.     You  are  rarely  afflicted    with   a 


46  THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

cold  SO  grievous  that  you  cannot  make  a  day's 
wages.  What,  then,  can  we  conclude,  except  that 
the  inducement  is  not  strong  enough  to  bring  you 
regularly  to  Sunday  school  ?  You  will  do  more 
for  money  than  you  will  for  the  love  of  the  Lord 
and  the  young  people  whom  He  has  given  you  to 
look  after  in  your  class.  You  care  more  for  mam- 
mon than  for  God.  You  have  no  more  right  to 
be  absent  from  your  class  than  the  minister  has  to 
be  absent  from  his  pulpit  Sunday  morning.  The 
fact  that  he  receives  a  salary  and  you  do  not  has 
nothing  to  do  with  the  case.  When  you  took  the 
class  you  virtually  agreed  to  teach  it,  not  once  in 
a  while  but  every  Sunday.  I  have  no  patience 
with  you ;  but,  if  you  think  I  have  expressed  my- 
self too  harshly,  you  can  lay  it  all  to  the  old  fogy- 
ism  of  Yours  truly, 

A.  MoSSBACK. 


AN  OPEN  LETTER  TO  THE  YOUNG  MAN 
AT  THE  CHURCH  DOOR. 


Dear  Sir  : 

I  hardly  think  you  can  understand  the  light  in 
which  you  are  regarded  by  others,  or  you  would 


THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  47 

not  so  persistently  take   up  your  position  as  sen- 
tinel at   the  outer  gate  of  Zion.      I  often   wonder 
if  the  dude  or  the  flashily  dressed   woman   know 
how  they  really   look  to   others.       I    cannot   be- 
lieve that  they  do,  for  no  person  willingly  makes 
himself  ridiculous.      So  I  cannot  think  that    you 
know  what   the  congregation  thinks  of  you  when 
it  files  past  you  Sunday   evening,   after  you  have 
taken   up  your  favorite  position   near  the  church 
porch.     To  be  sure,  the  Psalmist  implies  that  '•  it 
is  better  to  be  a  door-keeper  in  the  house  of  the 
Lord  than  to  dwell  in  the  tents  of  wickedness ;" 
but  he  had  no  reference  to  such  as  you.     The  sex- 
ton can  keep  the  door  of  the  house  of  the  Lord 
without  your  help  ;  and  you  are  not  only  making 
yourself  ridiculous,  but  also  are  an  intolerable  nui- 
sance to  all  about  you.      Your  motive  is  perfectly 
transparent.     You  do  not  come  to  listen  to   the 
sermon,  or  to  engage  in  the  worship,  but  to  ogle 
the  girls.     If  this  is  not  your  object  then  a  great 
many  others  besides  myself  are  mistaken  in  your 
motives.    The  young  ladies  have  to  run  the  gaunt- 
let of  your  impertinent  eyes,  frequently  as  they 
come  in,  and  always  as  they  go  out.      You  and 
your  companions  range  yourselves  at  the  door,  m 


48  THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

two  files,  through  which  people  have  to  pass,  as 
though  you  were  the  guards  of  honor  at  a  military 
funeral ;  but  if  you  could  hear  the  disgust  which 
every  sensible  girl  expresses  at  such  a  perform- 
ance, you  would  not  repeat  it.  Let  me  assure 
you  your  motive  is  entirely  transparent  to  every 
one.  You  are  found  out.  When  next  you  are 
tempted  to  stand  at  the  church  door  to  stare  at 
the  girls,  let  me  condense  my  advice  into  one  ner- 
vous monosyllable,  ^^  Donty 

Your  friend, 

A.    MoSSBACK. 


AN  OPEN  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSSBACK 
TO  MR.  YOUNGHUSBAND. 


Dear  Sir  : 

When  you  brought  your  charming  young  wife 
to  our  sleepy  old  town  and  settled  down  in  our 
midst,  did  you  know  how  much  new  life  and  vigor 
you  brought  with  you }     No,  I  do  not  think  you 


THE     MOSSBACK     CORRESPONDENCE.  49 

will  ever  know  all  the  good  you  did,  or  the  cour- 
age which  you  gave  to  your  old  pastor  and  friend 
who  now  writes  to  you.      To  tell  you  the  truth,  I 
was  getting  pretty  well  discouraged.     The  young 
people  all  seemed  to  be  moving  away,  and  none 
came  to  our  town  to  take  their  places.     Old  Dea. 
Standby  had  just  died,  and   rich    Mrs.   Dowager, 
who  used  to  contribute  a  hundred  dollars  a  year 
to  my  salary,  went  back  to  the  city  to  live,  and  I 
had  begun  to  think   that   I  had    better   take    my 
place  among  the  supernumeraries.      Just  then  you 
came.     The  first  evening  you  were  in  town  hap- 
pened to  be  our  prayer-meeting  evening,  and  you 
and   Mrs.   Younghusband  were  there,  in  spite  of 
the  fact  that  we  all  knew  you  were  tired  out  with 
moving.      Moreover,  you  said  a  few  words  in  that 
first  meeting,  and  told  us  how  glad  you  were  to 
find   yourself   among    Christian    friends    at    once. 
How   our   hearts   did   warm    to    you !     After  the 
meeting,  too,  you  did  not  grab  your  hat  and  bolt 
for  the  door,  as  though  all  the  rest  of    us  were 
pickpockets,  but  you  waited  to  shake  hands  with 
some  of  us,  and  told  me  your  name,  and  asked  the 
sexton  for  a  pew,  and  said  you  both  meant  to  get 
your  church  letters  in  season  to  unite  with  us  at 


50  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

the  next  communion.  Well,  from  that  day  to  this, 
you  have  carried  out  the  promise  of  that  first 
meeting.  You  have  never  sulked,  or  stood  upon 
your  dignity,  or  complained  that  ''people  in  this 
church  were  so  unsocial,"  or  growled  that  you 
"never  could  get  acquainted,"  and  that  you  often 
wished  you  were  "back  in  the  old  church."  You 
took  a  class  in  the  Sunday  school  just  as  soon  as 
you  were  asked,  and  at  the  next  election  became 
chairman  of  the  Lookout  Committee  of  the  young 
people's  society,  and  from  that  day  to  this,  the 
church  has  taken  on  such  new  vigor,  that  we  find 
we  can  get  along  even  without  Dea.  Standby  and 
Mrs.  Dowager.  That  half-written  letter  of  resig- 
nation, which  had  lain  in  my  desk  for  six  months, 
was  torn  up,  and  I  have  never  since  thought  of 
re-writing  it.  May  your  tribe  increase,  my  dear 
brother,  until  you  shall  have  a  representative  in 
every  church.  You  will  never  cease  to  have  the 
prayers  and  blessings  of 

Your  friend, 

A.    MoSSBACK. 


THE     MOSSBACK     CORRESPONDENXE.  5 1 

AN  OPEN  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSSBACK 
TO  MRS.   YOUNGHUSBAND. 


My  Dear  Madame  : 

Recently  I  sent  a  communication  to  your  good 
husband,  but  I  was  not  unmindful  of  the  fact  that 
to  you  quite  as  much  as  to  him  was  due  the  rare 
blessing  which  came  to  our  church  with  your  arri- 
val. That  first  evening  that  you  were  in  our  vil- 
lage you  did  not  say  :  "  Now,  John  Younghus- 
band,  you  shall  not  go  to  that  pokey  old  prayer- 
meeting.  Here  we  are  strangers  with  the  dust  of 
moving  hardly  washed  off  our  faces.  Besides,  we 
have  been  married  scarcely  two  weeks,  and  we 
ought  to  stay  at  home  to  receive  callers."  But 
you  said  (for  your  good  husband  told  me  all  about 
it  afterwards),  "  Come,  John,  let  us  go  to  prayer- 
meeting,  and  show  our  colors  the  first  day  we  are 
in  town,  and  get  acquainted  with  the  good  people 
of  the  church." 

Then  when  Sunday  came,  John  was  half  in- 
clined to  wait  until  somebody  invited  you  both  to 

go  to  Sunday  school  ;  but  in   your  cheery,   com- 
mon-sense way,   you  started  off  as  though  there 


52  THE     MOSSliACK     CORRESPONDENCE. 

was  but  one  possible  thing  to  do  on  Sunday  after- 
noon and  that  was  to  go  to  Sunday  school.  John 
was  ashamed  to  enter  a  demurrer,  but  went  with 
you  as  a  good  husband  should. 

Then,  when  the  first  baby  came,  instead  of 
keeping  Mr.  Younghusband  at  home  from  Sunday 
school  and  prayer-meeting  to  sit  with  you,  you 
used  to  say :  *'  Now,  John,  I  want  to  hear  all 
about  the  prayer-meeting  and  my  Sunday  school 
class  every  week,  and  you  must  never  miss  a 
meeting  until  I  can  leave  the  baby  and  go  with 
you  again." 

Oh,  I  have  found  you  out,  Mrs.  Younghusband, 
and  though  you  are  inclined  to  lay  all  the  credit 
for  the  help  that  has  recently  come  to  the  church 
from  your  family  at  John's  door,  he  knows  better 
and  so  do  I.  Your  friend, 

A.     MOSSBACK. 


AN  OPEN  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSSBACK 
TO  BRO.   LONGWIND. 


Dear  Brother  Longwind  : 

I  esteem  you  as  one  of  the  salt  of  the  earth. 
If  there  is  any  one  in  all  my  parish  who  keeps  his 


THE  MOSSBACK  CORRESPONDENCE.      53 

lamp  trimmed  and  burning  it  is  yourself.  Your 
life  is  above  reproach,  your  conduct  is  most  exem- 
plary, your  faithfulness  to  every  duty  is  unques- 
tioned. You  are  the  most  fluent  and  gifted  man 
in  the  church,  and,  as  is  often  remarked,  you  can 
preach  better  than  the  minister  himself.  But  I 
have  somewhat  against  you,  and  that  is,  to  be 
very  frank,  my  dear  brother,  you  do  talk  uncon- 
scionably long  in  the  prayer-meeting.  You  talk 
well,  I  admit,  and  even  eloquently,  but  none  the 
less  you  are  killing  our  meetings.  You  remem- 
ber the  subject  of  our  last  meeting  was  "Faith," 
and  you  went  over  the  whole  ground,  giving  us  a 
review  of  the  lives  of  Abraham,  Isaac  and  Jacob, 
a  dissertation  on  Paul's  definition  of  faith,  with  a 
side  glance  at  Calvin,  Luther  and  Wesley,  a 
squint  at  Schleiermacher,  a  scathing  denunciation 
of  the  Sabellian  view,  and  an  ample  quotation 
from  Tennyson.  It  was  all  very  beautiful,  but  all 
very  much  out  of  place.  If  I  know  anything 
about  a  prayer-meeting,  its  object  is  to  give  every 
member  of  the  church  family  assembled  together 
an  opportunity  to  talk  over  one  with  another,  mat- 
ters of  common  interest,  and  especially  to  talk  of 
their  love  for  the  Elder  Brother  and  His  love  for 


54  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

them  ;  and  it  is  about  as  inappropriate  for  you  to 
make  a  twenty-minute  speech  there  as  in  a  neigh- 
bor's parlor,  where  a  few  of  you  might  be  assem- 
bled together.  Besides,  there  was  no  time,  after 
you  got  through,  either  for  farmer  Rustic  or  for 
John  Newbegin,  who  had  the  first  words  of  con- 
fession trembling  on  his  lips,  and  who  would  have 
been  greatly  helped  by  participation  in  that  meet- 
ing. However,  my  dear  brother,  I  am  convinced 
that  it  was  simply  forgetfulness  on  your  part  of 
the  true  object  of  a  prayer-meeting,  and  that  you 
will  take  in  the  same  spirit  in  which  it  is  written 
this  letter  from 

Your  old  friend  and  pastor, 

A.    MoSSBACK. 


AN  OPEN  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSSBACK 

TO  THE  MEMBERS  OF  HIS  YOUNG 

PEOPLE'S  SOCIETY. 


My  Dear  Friends  : 

I  am  getting  to  be  an  old  man,  but  I  hope  I 
shall  always  have  a  young  heart.  In  fact,  if  I 
must  choose  I  would  far  rather  be  an  old  man 
with  a  young  heart  than  a  young  man  with  an  old 


THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  55 

heart,  and  I  am  glad  to  tell  you  that  one  of  the 
things  that  has  kept  my  heart  young  and  warm 
has  been  our  Society  of  Christian  Endeavor. 

In  the  first  place,  I  have  always  known  that  I 
was  welcome  to  your  meetings.  The  way  you 
crowd  around  me  when  I  step  into  the  door  shows 
me  how  you  feel,  and  I  did  not  need  that  Rogers' 
group  which  you  gave  me  at  Christmas  time  to 
remind  me  of  your  love,  though  it  was  a  very 
pleasant  token  to  receive.  I  have  never  found  it 
necessary  to  preserve  my  ministerial  dignity  by 
holding  aloof  from  you,  nor  have  I  ever  had  to 
scold  you  or  remind  you  of  the  allegiance  you 
owe  to  the  church,  for  you  understand  as  well  as 
I  do  that  this  allegiance  is  a  settled  and  essential 
thing  in  a  Society  of  Christian  Endeavor.  There 
is  one  meeting  in  the  course  of  the  week  that  I 
feel  perfectly  safe  about,  and  that  is  the  meeting 
which  our  society  conducts.  However  others  fail, 
I  know  that  this  will  be  fully  attended  and  well 
supported.  Then,  as  to  help  in  all  church  work, 
I  have  never  had  to  ask  you  twice.  Is  there  a 
new  family  with  young  people  to  be  visited.? 
The  calling  committee  is  all  ready  to  do  it.  Is 
there   some    special    music    to   be   provided,    the 


56  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

music  committee  is  for  just  that  purpose.  Or 
flowers  for  the  pulpit,  why,  there  is  the  flower 
committee.  Or  does  the  Sunday  school  need  a 
little  aid,  the  Sunday-school  committee  is  always 
saying,  "  Give  us  something  to  do,"  so,  of  course, 
I  apply  to  thern.  Or  is  there  some  peculiarly 
delicate  matter  among  the  young  people  to  be 
adjusted,  the  only  thing  necessary  is  to  call  to- 
gether "my  cabinet,  "  the  lookout  committee,  and 
the  matter  is  soon  straightened  out. 

I  could  wish  for  each  of  my  brethren  in  the 
ministry  no  greater  blessing  than  just  such  a 
loyal,  devoted  band  of  young  Christians  to  stay 
up  his  hands.  May  the  time  soon  come  when  all 
churches  shall  have  them  ! 

Your  friend, 

A.    MoSSBACK. 


AN  OPEN  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSSBACK 
TO  DEACON  GOODENOUGH. 


My  Dear  Friend  : 

Yes,  I  have  found  you  out.  You  did  your  best 
to  keep  it  from  me,  I  know,  but  your  old  pastor 
was  too  sharp  for  you.     You  didn't  let  your  right 


THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  57 

hand  know  what  your  left  hand  did,  but  you 
can't  prevent  the  beams  of  a  candle  shining  out, 
even  in  this  naughty  world,  unless  you  snuff  it 
out.     This  was  the  way  I  found  you  out  : 

You  see,  last  holiday  time,  I  felt  that  I  ought 
to  make  some  calls  among  my  poorer  parish- 
ioners. So  on  the  26th  of  December,  I  hitched 
up  old  Dobbin  and  started  out.  The  first  one  I 
visited  was  Widow  Doleful.  She  usually  greets 
me  with  a  long  face  and  the  customary  phrase, 
"why,  what  a  stranger  you  be."  But  I  was  sur- 
prised to  see  that  she  forgot  it  this  time,  and  with 
her  face  all  radiant  with  smiles,  she  took  me  into 
the  pantry  and  showed  me  a  bushel  of  potatoes 
and  a  half  barrel  of  apples  and  a  whole  barrel  of 
flour  from  Dea.  Goodenough. 

Then  I  went  on  to  the  house  of  poor  John 
Careless.  He  is  always  getting  into  trouble  and 
meeting  with  some  sort  of  accident.  The  week 
before  he  had  almost  cut  off  his  foot  while  chop- 
ping wood.  I  was  surprised  to  see  him  hopping 
about  quite  nimbly  on  a  pair  of  fine,  eavsy 
crutches.  "Oh,"  said  he  when  I  asked  him 
about  it,  "  they  came  from  Dea.  Goodenough  —  a 
Christmas  present,  you  know." 


58  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

My  next  call  was  on  Peter  Poverty's  family. 
Poor  fellow,  he  is  drinking  himself  into  the  grave, 
and  his  wife  and  children  have  to  buy  their  flour 
by  the  pound  and  their  coal  by  the  bushel.  But 
actually  Mrs.  Poverty  had  a  whole  ton  in  her  bin, 
and  she  looked  so  cheerful  when  she  said,  "  It's  a 
Christmas  present  from  Dea.  Goodenough,"  that 
it  would  have  done  you  good  to  see  her.  She  did 
not  say  so,  but  I  know  she  thought  that  Peter 
couldn't  very  well  drink  up  that  ton  of  coal 
any  way. 

I  only  made  one  more  call  that  afternoon,  and 
that  was  on  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Quiverfull.  I  had  been 
wondering  how  in  the  world  all  the  little  Quiver- 
fulls  could  have  had  any  Christmas  present,  for  I 
knew  Mr.  Q.  only  earned  ten  dollars  a  week. 

But  I  had  not  reached  the  outer  threshold 
when  the  youngest  pair  of  twins  came  running 
to  me,  each  holding  a  big  doll  baby  and  cry- 
ing out,  "  Oh,  Mr.  Mossback,  see  what  Dea. 
Goodenough  gave  us  for  Christmas  presents." 

Now  I  can  hear  you  say  as  you  throw  down 
the  book  which  you  hold,  after  reading  this  letter, 
"  Oh,  pshaw  !  that  was  nothing.  It  wasn't  worth 
speaking  of."     But  I  am  rather  an  obstinate  old 


THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  59 

parson,  and  I  insist  that  it  was  somcthin;^^  and 
something  unusual.  You  didn't  order  twenty  fat 
turkeys  to  be  sent  to  each  of  the  men  with  fami- 
lies connected  with  your  woollen  mill,  or  a  ton  of 
coal  to  a  dozen  poor  families,  but  you  found  out 
what  each  one  most  needed  and  sent  that.  You 
gave  something  besides  turkeys  and  coal  and 
money.  You  gave  time  and  thought  and  some- 
thing of  yourself  with  every  gift,  and.  though  I 
know  it  will  make  you  blush,  I  am  going  to  tell 
all  the  readers  of  this  correspondence  that  I 
believe  that  that  blessed  verse  in  the  twenty-fifth 
chapter  of  Mathew,  which  begins  with  *'  inas- 
much," applies  to  you,  every  word  of  it. 

Your  friend, 

A.    MoSSBACK. 


AN  OPEN  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSSBACK 
TO  YOUNG  AUTHORS. 


My  Dear  Friends  : 

For  many  years,  I  have  had  more  or  less  to  do 
with    editors   and   publishers,    and,  perhaps,    can 


60  THE    MOSSIiACK    CORRESrONDKNXE. 

give  you  some  information  concerning  them  that 
will  not  come  amiss.  I  used  to  suppose,  when  I 
first  sent  my  lucubrations  to  the  papers,  that  the 
editor  was  a  high  and  miglity  authority,  a  sort  of 
Olympian  Jove  of  letters,  who  hurled  his  thunder- 
bolts or  deigned  graciously  to  smile  on  his  humble 
subjects,  as  the  humor  siezed  him.  Then,  as  my 
poor  little  effusions  began  to  come  back  with  the 
stereotyped  phrase  which  I  learned  absolutely  to 
loathe,  "Declined  with  thanks,"  I  made  up  my 
mind  that  this  editorial  Jove  was  very  free  with 
his  thunderbolts  and  very  sparing  of  his  smiles. 
But  I  know  more  on  this  subject  than  I  used  to 
know.  In  the  first  place,  I  have  learned  that 
there  are  at  least  a  hundred  thousand  young 
people  aflflicted  with  the  CacoetJics  Scribcndi  a. 
good  deal  as  I  was,  and  that  it  made  little  differ- 
ence to  the  editor  if  I  did  get  angry  and  vow  that 
I  would  never  have  anything  more  to  do  with  — 
well,  we  will  call  the  paper  —  T/ie  Silver  Measure, 
since  he  could  at  once  fall  back  on  the  other  nine- 
ty-nine thousand,  nine  hundred  and  ninety-nine 
young  authors  of  the  country.  I  next  learned 
that  this  mysterious  editor  who  always  spoke  of 
himself  as  "we,"  as  though  he  were  big  enough 


TlIK     MOSSIJACK     C()KKr.SI»()\nKNCK.  6l 

for  at  least  half  a  dozen,  was  a  man  with  occa- 
sional estimable  qualities,  after  all,  sometimes 
even  gentle  and  mild-mannered,  but  with  one 
supreme  purpose,  —  to  ii.ake  his  paper  as  bright 
and  interesting  and  readable  and  useful  as  pos- 
sible. If  he  was  the  successful  editor  of  a  daily 
paper,  he  was  sure  to  have  a  "  nose  for  news,"  as 
the  phrase  goes,  and,  if  his  was  a  weekly  paper, 
he  had  a  keen  eye  for  what  was  "available."  I 
soon  learned  that  that  one  very  elastic  word, 
available,  explained  why  I  received  so  many  fat 
letters  bearing  the  fatal  words,  "Declined  with 
thanks."  I  learned  also  that  he  scanned  every- 
thing that  came  to  his  desk  very  carefully,  hoping 
to  find  indications  of  the  coming  poet  or  the  great 
American  novelist,  and  that,  though  disappointed 
a  thousand  times,  he  would  return  to  the  search  as 
zealously  as  ever.  At  last  I  began  to  learn  what 
he  considered  "available"  and  what  "unavaila- 
ble ; "  about  this  I  will  tell  you  in  another  letter. 

Your  friend, 

A.    MOSSBACK. 


62  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

AN  OPEN  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSSBACK 
TO  YOUNG  AUTHORS. 


Concerning  Available   Manuscripts. 
My  Dear  Friends  : 

I  suppose  every  editor  has  his  own  views  as 
to  what  constitutes  the  "available"  article,  and 
what  is  available  for  one  paper  may  be  far  from 
available  for  another ;  and  what  may  be  available 
at  one  time  may  be  quite  out  of  the  question  at 
another,  even  for  the  same  paper,  if  the  editor  has 
been  surfeited,  as  very  often  he  is,  with  articles 
on  the  same  subject.  But  here  are  some  general 
suggestions  concerning  the  available  manuscript : 

1.  It  is  written  on  one  side  of  the  sheet. 

2.  It  is  not  rolled,  but  folded. 

3.  It  is  not  written  on  scraps  and  odds  and 
ends  of  paper  and  backs  of  envelopes.  One 
ought  to  be  at  least  as  well  known  as  Alexan- 
der Pope  before  he  follows  his  example  in  this 
respect.  Very  fair  paper  costs  only  ten  cents  a 
pound.  One  might  better  economize  on  bent 
pins  and  apple-cores. 

4.  The  available  manuscript  is  much  more 
often  prose  than  poetry,  but  if  it  is  alleged  poe- 


THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  63 

try,  good  isn't  compelled  to  rhyme  with  dude,  or 
love  with  grave,  and  it  doesn't  go  limping  along 
on  several  different  kinds  of  disabled  feet. 

5.  The  available  manuscript  stops  when  it  is 
finished,  like  a  good  preacher.  If  it  is  for  most 
weekly  papers  it  is  usually  not  over  eight  hun- 
dred or  one  thousand  words  in  length. 

6.  The  available  manuscript  does  not  use  two 
galleys  to  convey  a  stickful  of  meaning. 

7.  The  available  manuscript  is  very  shy  of 
such  subjects  as  spring,  summer,  autumn  and  win- 
ter,  and  the  beautiful  snow  and  the  fading  leaf. 

8.  The  available  manuscript  has  not  very 
much  to  say  about  Adam  and  Eve,  but  a  good 
deal  to  say  about  their  descendants  of  the  nine- 
teenth century. 

9.  The  available  manuscript,  if  from  a  young 
and  inexperienced  author,  is  not  usually  accom- 
panied by  an  imperative  demand  for  payment. 

In  conclusion,  if  you  have  something  important 
that  needs  to  be  said,  or  if  you  have  a  new  way 
of  putting  an  old  truth,  by  all  means  let  the  edi- 
tor have  it,  and  it  will  doubtless  be  found  avail- 
able ;  but  if  you  only  want  some  good  practice, 
write  out  what  you  have  to  say  in  a  good,  round, 


64  THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

bold  hand,  on  a  fair  quality  of  commercial  note- 
paper,  look  carefully  after  the  spelling  and  punctu- 
ation, read  it  over  critically  to  see  that  there  are 
no  mistakes,  and  then  —  drop  it  in  your  waste- 
basket,  which  probably  is  not  nearly  as  full  as  the 
editor's. 

Your  friend, 

A.    MoSSBACK. 


AN  OPEN  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSSBACK 
TO  YOUNG  AUTHORS. 


Co7icerning   Unavailable  Manuscripts. 
My  Dear  Friends  : 

I  said  in  my  last  that  I  would  tell  you  what  I 
knew  about  the  "unavailable  manuscript."  The 
unavailable  manuscript  which  is  ''returned  with 
thanks "  is  often  written  on  both  sides  of  the 
sheet,  in  crabbed  hieroglyphics,  that  would  puzzle 
Schliemann  himself  to  decipher.  The  average 
editor,  not  having  the  patience  or  the  genius  of 
Schliemann  or  Layard,  makes  n  his  mind  that 
the  game  isn't  worth  the  candle,  and  so  returns  it 


THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  65 

"with  thanks,"  after  struggling  through  the  first 
two  or  three  pages.     If  the  truth  were  known,  his 
thanks  are  not  very  deep  or  hearty.     When  you 
become  very  distinguished  you  can  afford  to  write 
such  a  hand,  and  the   editor  may   be  willing  to 
decipher  it,  but,  until  you  become  at  least  as  dis- 
tinguished as  Horace  Greeley,  do  not  imitate  his 
chirography.       Again,    the    "unavailable     manu- 
script "  is  often  unconscionably  long.     Cut  it  in 
two    in  the   middle,   or,   better  still,   lop   off  the 
ends,    both   the  introduction  and  the  peroration, 
and  send  on  just  the  meaty  middle,  and  see  if  it 
is  not  accepted.     Then,  too,  the  editors  tell  me 
that    hundreds    of    manuscripts    go    back    simply 
because  they  do  not  rise  above  the  dreary  level  of 
the  commonplace.     They  are  not  positively  objec- 
tionable ;  the  sentiment  is  good,  and  it  is  fairly 
well   expressed,   but   there  is    nothing    bright    or 
fresh    about   them.     They  were  written   not   be- 
cause the  author  had  something  he  deemed  impor- 
tant, something  that   he   must   say,    but   for   the 
sake    of  seeing  himself  in  print.     Do  not  strain 
after  effect  or  use  "hifalutin"  language.     Some 
writers,  for  the  sake  of  being  original,  use  such 
unusual  words  and  inverted  sentences  that   few 


66  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

can  understand  them,  and  the  editor  at  once 
says  to  himself,  "  That  must  be  returned  with 
thanks."  Here  are  some  directions  that  some- 
times appear  with  an  article,  which  always  make 
it  unavailable :  "  This  must  appear  in  the  next 
issue."  "  If  you  don't  publish  it  stop  my  paper." 
"Pleas  korrect  mistaks.  I  am  in  a  grate  hurry." 
These  are  some  of  the  things  the  editors  tell  me 
about  unavailable  articles,  and  I  simply  pass  them 
over  to  you. 

Your  friend, 

A.    MoSSBACK. 


AN  OPEN  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSSBACK 
TO  THE  MAN  WITH  A  WATCH. 


My  Dear  Friend  ; 

I  am  very  glad  that  you  own  a  timepiece.  I 
hope  it  is  an  excellent  one,  and  keeps  correct 
time ;  but  really,  there  is  very  little  need  of  your 
letting  every  one  at  church  know  that  you  have  a 
watch.  I  notice  that  you  took  it  out  of  your 
pocket  and  looked  at  it  four  times  during  the  last 


THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  67 

six  minutes  of  your  pastor's  sermon,  and  every 
time  you  returned  it  to  your  pocket  you  shut  the 
case  with  a  spiteful  little  click,  that  resounded 
through  the  church.  If  it  must  be  announced 
that  you  have  a  hunting-case  watch,  I  wish  you 
would  do  it  in  some  other  way.  You  might  post 
the  fact  on  the  notice-board,  or  get  the  minister 
to  read  it  among  the  other  announcements  for  the 
week  (it  would  hardly  be  more  inappropriate  than 
many  he  is  called  upon  to  make). 

It  is  possible,  however,  that  your  memory  is 
bad  (less  than  two  minutes  long,  in  fact),  and 
that,  on  this  account,  you  are  obliged  to  look  at 
your  watch  so  often.  If  so,  how  would  it  do  to 
take  a  course  with  Prof.  Loisette  ?  I  think  that 
would  help  you  to  remember  that,  two  minutes 
after  you  have  found  it  to  be  quarter  to  twelve,  it 
is  altogether  likely  that  it  is  thirteen  minutes  to 
twelve.  It  cannot  be  that  you  are  so  rude  as  to 
look  at  your  watch  for  the  sake  of  reminding  your 
pastor  that  it  is  almost  time  for  him  to  have  done 
preaching!  I  cannot  think  this  of  you,  even 
though  some  unkind  persons  are  very  free  in 
making  this  charge ;  nor  do  I  quite  think  it  is 
mere  love  of  display  on  your  part,  since  almost 


68  THE     MOSSDACK     CORRESrONDEN'CE. 

everybody  has  a  watch  in  these  days,  and  you  can- 
not regard  it  as  any  great  distinction.  No,  I  am 
inclined  to  adopt  the  other  theory,  and  to  believe 
that  it  is  due  to  a  defective  memory  that  you  so 
often  consult  your  time-keeper  during  the  sermon. 
So  I  will  give  the  great  memory  strengthener  a 
little  more  gratuitous  advertising,  and  say:  For 
your  unfortunate  weakness,  try  Loisette. 

Your  friend, 

A.    MOSSBACK. 


AN  OPEN  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSSBACK 
TO  REV.  J.  LAMENTATION. 


Dear  Brother  Jeremiah  : 

Is  there  really  any  need  of  taking  such  a  dis- 
mal view  of  the  world  and  all  things  that  are 
therein  ?  I  know  things  are  not  just  as  they  used 
to  be  in  the  old  days  when  the  part  in  our  hair 
was  not  so  very  wide  as  it  is  now.  In  some  ways 
I  agree  with  you,  that  the  change  does  not  seem 
to  have  been  for  the  better,  and  yet  many  other 
things  are  so  manifestly  better  than  they  used  to 


THK     MOSSIIACK    CORRESPONDENXE.  69 

be  that  I  believe  the  balance  is  infinitely  on  the 
right  side. 

To  wait  half  an  hour  at  the  depot  for  a  belated 
train  is  unpleasant,  but  it  isn't  nearly  as  bad  as 
not  to  have  any  train  to  wait  for,  and  to  have  to 
travel  by  stage-coach.  If  illuminating  gas  had 
not  been  invented  we  should  have  no  leaky  pipes 
or  huge  gas  bills,  and  yet  I  should  be  sorry  to  go 
back  to  the  days  of  the  candle  dip,  and  I  think 
you  would.  Thus,  many  of  these  things  of  which 
you  complain  are  the  product  of  the  times,  and  it 
is  our  business  to  make  our  times  better,  not  to  be- 
rate them  or  constantly  to  bewail  the  "good  old 
times."  Some  of  the  skepticism  of  the  day  is 
due,  doubtless,  to  the  increased  intellectual  ac- 
tivity of  the  day.  When  all  men  are  asking 
"whence.!^"  **  where  .^"  "whither.?"  there  must 
necessarily  be  more  doubt  an^  infidelity  than 
when  most  men  allowed  their  priests  to  do  all 
their  thinking  for  them. 

When  people  are  brought  together  by  the  mil- 
lion in  a  great  city,  there  are  many  difficult  prob- 
lems which  were  not  raised  when  a  few  thousands 
were  scattered  over  our  hillsides  and  valleys. 
But  we  cannot   go  back  to   the   period   of  quiet 


70  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

colonial  days  if  we  should  wish  to,  and  we  would 
not  wish  to  if  we  could. 

When  wealth  increases,  luxury  and  greed  of 
gain  are  likely  to  increase,  too ;  but  we  cannot  re- 
duce these  evils  by  continually  sighing  for  the  old 
times  and  lamenting  because  they  cannot  come 
back  again. 

If  the  gas  leaks,  let  us  stop  the  leak  instead  of 
blowing  up  the  gas-house.  If  the  train  is  late, 
let  us  get  to  our  destination  just  as  soon  as  pos- 
sible, instead  of  anathematizing  the  railroad  and 
refusing  to  get  aboard  when  the  train  does  come 
along.  If  the  times  are  bad,  let  us  mend  them, 
instead  of  groaning  over  the  departure  of  the 
past  and  growling  over  the  coming  of  the  present, 
for  our  lamentations  will  neither  bring  back  yes- 
terday nor  delay  the  coming  of  to-morrow. 

Your  friend, 

A.    MOSSBACK. 


THE     MOSSHACK     COKRESPONDKNXE.  /I 

AN  OPEN  LETTF:R  FROM  MR.  MOSSBACK 
TO   SISTER  PATTER. 


Dear  Sister  Patter  : 

It  is  insisted  in  some  quarters  that  it  is  the 
duty  of  ladies  to  be  "  talkative,"  and  I  am  not  dis- 
posed to  dispute  this  proposition,  but  do  let  us 
have  something  worth  talking  about  when  we  talk. 
Not  that  we  need  to  discourse  about  high  and 
mighty  subjects  always  in  Miltonian  diction,  but 
there  are  surely  enough  matters  to  talk  about 
without  descending  to  the  utterly  insignificant. 

There  is  an  expression  which  I  have  heard  used 
by  the  small  boys,  sometimes,  which  I  fear  is 
hardly  classical,  but  which  is  certainly  expressive. 
They  say  such  and  such  a  person  "talks  too  much 
with  his  mouth."  By  this,  I  think  they  mean 
a  bombastic,  grandiloquent  kind  of  speech  that 
hasn't  much  meaning  in  it,  speech  which  has 
more  relation  to  the  lips  than  to  the  heart  or  to 
the  head.  Now,  whether  in  man,  woman  or  child, 
dear  Sister  Patter,  such  talk  is  unprofitable.  On 
the  political  stump  we  should  call  it  buncombe,  in 
the   pulpit  it  would  be  termed  rant,  and  in  the 


72  THE     MOSSBACK     COKRESPONDKNCE. 

private  parlor  it  is  just  chatter.  Many  unkind 
things  have  been  said  about  woman's  talkative- 
ness. All  literature  is  full  of  masculine  epi- 
grams on  this  subject,  which,  in  my  opinion,  old 
fogy  that  I  am,  are  little  deserved.  I  think  that 
men  are  just  exactly  as  much  inclined  to  **talk 
with  their  mouths"  as  women,  only  they  do  it  in 
a  loud,  bombastic  way,  as  though  what  they  said 
was  authoritative,  and  always  settled  the  matter. 
But  that  is  neither  here  nor  there  ;  this  letter  is 
to  Sister  Patter,  not  to  Brother  Bombast. 

I  would  not  be  sarcastic  or  severe.  I  know 
that  you  often  have  the  "  kindest  heart  in  all  the 
world."  Your  chatter  is  not  malicious  nor  always 
gossipy  even,  but  just  tiresome.  Simply  because 
you  are  such  a  "good  soul,"  and  have  so  much 
compassion  for  your  friends,  do  give  us  a  rest. 

Your  friend, 

A.    MoSSBACK. 


THK     MOSSHACK    CORUESPOXnKN'CE,  73 

AN  OPEN  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSSHACK 

TO  THE  MAN  WHO  COMES  LATE 

TO  CHURCH. 


Dear  Friend  : 

There  is  an  old  adage  which  is  often,  appar- 
ently, applied  to  church-going,  and  which  says. 
"Better  late  than  never."  This  is  all  very  well, 
but  a  better  motto  still  is,  "  Better  early  than  late." 
There  are  various  considerations  which  support 
this  statement  that,  perhaps,  you  have  never  con- 
sidered. I  will  not  refer  to  the  familiar  argu- 
ment, that  this  late  entrance  disturbs  the  minister 
and  distracts  the  congregation,  for  you  have  had 
these  considerations  urged  upon  you  a  thousand 
times.  But  one  of  these  considerations  which  I 
think  will  move  you  to  better  things  is,  that  your 
coming  in  late  invests  you  with  such  an  unpleas- 
ant degree  of  conspicuousness.  Why,  if  all  Bar- 
num's  circus  marched  in,  two  by  two,  through  the 
church  door,  it  could  hardly  attract  more  atten- 
tion than  you  do  when  late  you  tiptoe  in,  ever  so 
softly.  I  know  that  you  do  not  enjoy  this  notori- 
ety. In  fact,  I  think  it  must  be  rather  unpleas- 
ant.    There  is  only  one  way  to  avoid  it,  —  come 


74  THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

early.  Another  reason  why  you  should  habitu- 
ally be  in  your  place  on  time  is,  that  you  are  pro- 
vocative of  two  very  old  and  stale  jokes,  by  being 
habitually  behind  time.  They  have  been  perpe- 
trated a  thousand  times  in  the  past,  and  you 
have  yourself  given  occasion  for  them  more  than 
once.  If  I  was  not  so  old  myself  I  suppose  I 
should  call  them  chestnuts.  One  of  these  ancient 
jokes  is  to  call  you  "The  late  Mr.  Smith."  The 
other,  equally  aged,  is  to  speak  of  your  "right 
hand  and  left  hand  and  little  behind  hand."  Do 
spare  the  world  the  repetition  of  these  venerable 
puns,  by  being  more  promptly  in  your  place. 

Possibly,  you  think  that  these  are  not  the  most 
important  reasons  for  promptness,  after  all.  Per- 
haps they  are  not,  but  I  am  assuming  that  every 
other  argument  has  been  exhausted  upon  you.  If 
I  am  wrong  in  urging  upon  you  these  motives, 
then  come  early  out  of  respect  to  your  pastor, 
and  the  sacred  service,  and  the  house  of  God,  and 
the  cause  which  you  wish  to  honor. 

Your  friend, 

A.    MoSSBACK. 


THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  75 

AN  OPEN  LKTTKR  TO  THK  CONGREGA- 
TION CONCERNING  THE  MAN  WHO 
COMES  LATE  TO  CHURCH. 


Dear  Friends  : 

This  gentleman  in  whom  you  are  all  so  much 
interested,  is,  after  all,  nothing  but  a  man.  He 
is  neither  an  angel  from  the  skies,  nor  a  demon 
from  the  pit.  He  has  no  wings  sprouting  from  his 
shoulders,  nor  horns,  nor  hoofs,  nor  forked  tail. 
He  is  really  a  common  sort  of  a  man,  with  a  bad 
habit  of  being  late.  He  wears  a  frock  coat  with 
five  buttons  down  the  front,  a  pair  of  pepper-and- 
salt  trousers,  a  stand  up  collar  and  a  black  string 
necktie.  He  has  a  smooth  face,  with  the  excep- 
tion of  a  moustache,  and  parts  his  hair  on  the  left 
side.  You  have  seen  just  such  a  man  a  thousand 
times  before ;  in  fact,  you  have  seen  this  very 
man  hundreds  of  times  in  the  past,  and  you  never 
thought  of  looking  at  him  twice.  Why  should 
you  turn  around  and  distract  the  whole  audience, 
and  break  the  thread  of  the  minister's  discourse, 
simply  because  this  old  friend  of  yours  is  a  little 
late  ?     He  is  really  just  the  same  man  on  Sunday 


76  THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

morning  that  he  was  on  Saturday,  and  that  he  will 
be  on  Monday.  To  have  you  turn  around  and 
look  at  him  is  unpleasant  to  him,  unkind  to  the 
minister,  and  unbecoming  to  the  House  of  God. 
To  be  sure,  so  far  as  he  is  concerned,  perhaps,  it  is 
no  more  than  he  deserves,  if  he  is  habitually  late, 
and  it  may  be  that  you  turn  around  and  stare  at 
him  as  a  sort  of  mute  reproach  for  being  late,  but 
that  is  not  the  best  way  of  correcting  his  habit. 
Go  to  him  privately  with  a  word  of  counsel ;  it  is 
far  better  than  to  try  to  stare  him  out  of  counte- 
nance when  he  comes  late  to  church. 

Your  friend, 

A.    MoSSBACK. 


An    Open    Letter    to    the    Members    of    the 

Church  That  Does  Not  Promptly 

Pay  its  Minister's  Salary. 


Dear  P'riends  : 

I  rejoice  to  believe  at  I  am  not  addressing 
my  remarks  in  this  letter  to  so  large  a  constitu- 
ency as  it  would  have  reached   had    I  written  it 


THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  // 

some  years  ago,  before  my  back  was  quite  so 
moss-grown.  If  the  world  is  growing  worse  in 
some  particulars,  as  the  i^essimists  would  have  us 
believe,  it  i;  growing  rather  better  in  this,  I  think; 
for  I  believe  that  the  overworked  and  underpaid 
ministers  of  the  gospel  get  their  salai  -^  little 
more  promptly  than  they  used  to  get  it.  How- 
ever, there  are  enough  of  you  left  who  are  great 
sinners  in  this  respect,  to  warrant  me  in  sending 
you  a  letter.  You  expect  your  minister  to  be  a 
conspicuous  example  of  probity  and  honesty. 
You  expect  him  to  keep  all  the  commandments, 
and  one  of  them  (though  it  isn't  contained  in  the 
Decalogue)  is,  "Owe  no  man  anything."  But 
how  can  he  obey  this  when  you  owe  him  so 
much  ?  You  want  him  to  put  his  very  best  intel- 
lectual force  into  his  sermons ;  but  how  can  that 
be  when  half  his  intellectual  force  is  dissipated  in 
worrying  over  his  debts  ?  Your  minister  may  be 
a  good  extemporaneous  preacher,  but,  as  has  been 
before  remarked,  "  However  well  a  minister  may 
preach  without  his  notes  in  the  pulpit,  he  cannot 
get  along  without  notes  in  his  pocket."  In  this 
connection  let  me  commend  a  story  I  have  recent- 
ly heard  to  your  consideration :    "  I  thought  you 


78  THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

preached  for  souls,  not  for  money,"  said  a  mem- 
ber of  your  church  to  a  hard-working  pastor. 
"So  I  do,"  responded  the  pastor,  "but  I  can't  eat 
souls ;  and,  if  I  could,  it  would  take  a  thousand 
such  as  yours  to  make  a  respectable  meal." 

Yours  truly, 

A.  MoSSBACK. 


AN  OPEN  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSSBACK 
TO  BROTHER  DRIVER. 


Dear  Brother : 

I  know  that  you  have  some  enemies,  but  I  wish 
you  to  understand  that,  old  man  that  I  am,  you 
may  count  me  as  one  of  your  warm  friends  and 
admirers.  How  anything  would  ever  be  done  in 
this  world  were  it  not  for  you  and  your  kinsmen 
in  the  flesh  I  do  not  know.  Especially  in  the 
church  are  you  needed.  There  are  plenty  of  your 
relatives  in  business  life,  plenty  in  society,  plenty 
of  them  in  all  the  professions,  but  how  few  in  the 
church ! 

I  remember  the  time  when  the  new  organ  was 
needed.     The  old  one  wheezed  and  creaked  and 


THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 


79 


groaned  for  years,  and  would  have  wheezed  and 
creaked  and  groaned  until  this  day  if  it  had  not 
so  vexed  your  energetic  soul  that  you  started 
around  with  a  subscription  paper,  and  in  one  week 
had  enough  money  raised  for  a  new  organ. 

I  remember,  too,  when  the  old  pulpit  cushions 
had  become  so  frayed  and  full  of  dust  that  every 
time  I  waxed  warm  and  energetic  in  the  pulpit, 
and  brought  my  hand  down  on  the  desk  with  any- 
thing like  vigor,  quite  a  little  cloud  of  dust  and 
lint  flew  in  every  direction.  You  said,  I  recollect, 
that  "it  was  too  bad  that  parson  Mossback  should 
raise  such  a  dust  every  time  he  came  to  the 
'rousements,'"  and  in  less  than  two  weeks  there 
were  new  pulpit  coverings,  which  I  could  safely 
pound  to  my  heart's  content. 

And  well  do  I  recollect  the  faded  and  weather- 
beaten  paint  on  the  old  meeting-house  which 
made  our  church  quite  the  laughing-stock  of  the 
town. 

Deacon  Slow  said  it  ought  to  be  painted,  and 
Brother  Timid  considered  it  quite  disgraceful,  and 
Sister  Patter  and  Sister  Grumble  spent  the  time 
of  several  sewing  circles  in  telling  each  other  how 
ashamed  they  were  of  the  appearance  of  the  old 


80  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

church.  You  did  not  say  much,  but  you  did  head 
a  subscription  paper,  and  gave  the  rest  of  them  no 
peace  until  enough  money  was  raised  to  make  our 
old  sanctuary  respectable  again. 

These  are  not  the  only  things  you  have  done 
either.  You  infused  new  life  into  the  prayer- 
meetings,  and  you  toned  up  the  Sunday  school,  and 
you  started  the  Society  of  Christian  Endeavor, 
and  while  some  people  think  you  are  rather  brisk 
and  brusque,  and  are  a  little  afraid  of  your  ener- 
getic ways,  I  say,  God  bless  you,  Brother  Driver, 
and  multiply  your  descendants. 

Your  friend, 

A.    MoSSBACK. 


AN  OPEN  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSSBACK 
TO  MRS.  SHEPHERDESS. 


Allow  me,  dear  Madam,  to  include  you  in  the 
list  of  those  whom  I  admire  for  their  work's  sake. 
When  you  became  the  wife  of  your  husband,  you 
accepted  the  fact  that  you  had  married  a  minister, 
and  had  peculiar  and  special  duties,  as  a  minis- 


THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  8 1 

ter's  wife,  which  would  not  have  fallen  to  your 
lot  if  you  had  married  a  lawyer  or  a  doctor.  You 
did  not  indulge  in  the  current  nonsense,  to  the 
effect  that  the  parish  hired  your  husband,  and  not 
yourself,  and  that  they  couldn't  expect  the  ser- 
vices of  two  people  for  one  salary.  Nor,  when 
you  were  asked  to  be  president  of  the  sewing  cir- 
cle, did  you  tartly  respond  that  you  married  your 
husband,  and  not  your  husband's  parish.  Ever 
since  that  wedding-day,  so  happy  for  him,  and  for 
you,  too,  if  I  mistake  not,  you  have  done  what 
you  could,  never  neglecting  your  home  cares,  but 
never  making  them  an  excuse  for  not  doing 
your  duty  as  a  Christian  minister's  wife.  You 
accepted  the  very  evident  fact  at  once,  that,  since 
the  other  ladies  looked  to  you  for,  direction  and 
leadership  in  certain  matters,  it  was  proper  for 
you  to  help  in  just  those  places  where  you  were 
asked  and  expected  to  help.  You  did  not  become 
president  of  the  maternal  association,  I  know, 
because  you  said  that  all  your  official  aspirations 
were  satisfied  when  you  became  president  of  the 
sewing  circle,  but  you  did  just  as  much  to  help 
the  maternal  association  as  if  you  vv^ere  its  presi- 
dent.    You  put  new  life  into  it,  and  you  took  a 


82  THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

class  in  the  Sunday  school,  and  you  became  a 
member  of  the  Lookout  Committee  of  the  Society 
of  Christian  Endeavor,  and  you  set  about  raising 
funds  for  a  new  organ,  and  you  started  a  fair  for 
the  old  Ladies'  Home,  and  while  you  were  careful 
to  give  the  other  ladies  the  official  positions,  you 
did  a  good  cieal  more  than  your  share  of  the  work. 
You  were  never  heard  to  grumble  about  it  either, 
or  to  find  fault  with  those  who  did  less. 

When  the  city  church  sent  its  committee  to 
hear  your  husband  preach,  I  heard  one  of  them 
say  :  "  If  all  accounts  are  true,  we  shall  make  no 
mistake  in  our  minister's  wife  this  time,  anyway.** 
Then,  when  your  husband  accepted  the  call,  and 
you  left  your  country  home  and  your  first  church, 
I  had  my  eyes  and  ears  open,  and  I  know  how  the 
people,  young  and  old,  felt,  as  they  said  good-bye, 
and  said  also  one  to  another,  **  We  may  get 
another  minister,  but  we  shall  never  get  such 
another  minister's  wife."  God  bless  you,  my 
dear  Mrs.  Shepherdess. 

Your  old  friend, 

A.    MoSSBACK. 


THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  83 

AN  OPEN  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSSBACK 
TO  THE  MAN  WHO  KEEPS  A  DIARY. 


My  Dear  Friend  : 

I  believe    thoroughly  in    your    habit    of    diary- 
keeping,  and  wish  I  could  persuade  all  who  may 
read    my   letters    to    follow    your    example    for 
another  year,     1    know  that    you  are  held  up  to 
frequent  ridicule,  and  your  poor  diary    furnishes 
many  a  laugh  for  the  unthinking.     I  know,  too, 
that  it  is   apt  to  be  far  more  voluminous  on  the 
first  day  of  January  than  on  the  first  day  of  De- 
cember,   but    that    characteristic    it    shares    with 
many  sublunary  things,   which  are   larger  at  the 
start  than  at  the   finish.     Nevertheless,  I   believe 
in  your  diary,  and  I  believe  in  you  the  more  thor- 
oughly for  keeping  one.      It  shows  that  you  have 
a  self-reckoning,  that  you  sometimes   take  an  ac- 
count of  stock,  that  you  do  not  regard  the  days  as 
they   go   by   as   sliding   off  into    oblivion,   but  as 
worth  some  record,  though  it  may  be  that  no  eye 
but  your  own  will   ever   see  the   record.     May   I 
make    one    or   two   suggestions .''     Do    not    make 
the  diary  too  sentimental.     Do   not  have   it  filled 


84  THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

with  introspection  and  a  dissection  of  motives 
and  self-accusations.  Look  back  once  in  a  while 
over  the  past,  but  do  not  be  continually  looking 
back  or  your  head  may  get  turned.  Remember 
Lot's  wife. 

Record  common  things.  Even  the  weather  is 
not  to  be  despised.  Put  down  the  date  when 
Johnny  cut  his  first  tooth,  and  Mary  took  her  first 
step.  Forsitan  hacc  olim,  etc.  Record  the  text 
from  which  your  minister  preached  that  excellent 
sermon  last  Sunday,  with  the  leading  thought,  if 
you  can  remember  it.  Do  not  forget  to  make 
some  allusion  to  that  happy  hour  you  spent  in 
prayer  and  Bible-reading  last  week,  and,  if  I  were 
you,  I  would  write  out  in  black  and  white  the 
good  resolutions  with  which  I  began  the  new  year, 
and  then  read  them  over  on  the  31st  day  of  next 
December.  The  reading  may  make  you  blush, 
but  it  is  sometimes  very  healthy  to  bring  the 
blood  to  the  surface.  Remember  that  this  diary 
is  to  be  kept  under  lock  and  key,  and  is  only  for 
your  own  eye,  so  you  can  write  yourself  out  just 
as  you  are.  It  is  only  very  great  men  like  Car- 
lyle  who  need  fear  to  keep  a  diary.  Your  "life 
and  remains"   and   mine  will   probably  never  be 


THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  85 

published,  and  no  one  would  care  much  to  read 
them  if  they  were.  So  we  can  keep  a  diary  with- 
out fear  that  our  "remains"  will  hereafter  be 
mangled  by  well-meaning  friends  or  malicious 
foes.     By  all  means  let  us  keep  it  up  throughout 

the  year. 

Your  friend, 

A.    MoSSBACK. 


AN   OPEN   LETTER  TO  THE  MAN  WHO 
GETS  ANGRY  WITH  THE  EDITOR. 


Dear  Sir: 

If  I  am  not  mistaken,  you  once  stopped  the 
Metropolitan  Gazette  because  you  did  not  like  a 
single  editorial  that  it  contained.  To  be  sure, 
there  were  two  hundred  and  forty-seven  editorials 
that  same  year  which  you  did  like,  but  you  wanted 
to  show  your  disapproval,  and  instead  of  sending 
a  courteous  note  of  remonstrance,  you  sent  this 
epistle  to  the  editor :  "  Since  you  write  such  edi- 
torial stuff,  stop  my  paper."  Another  paper  com- 
mended a  man  in  whom  you  did  not  believe,  and 


86  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

you  resorted  to  your  usual  panacea :  "  I  do  not 
want  any  paper  that  praises  such  a  rascal.  Stop 
my  paper."  Still  another  unfortunate  journal  to 
which  you  once  subscribed  admitted  an  advertise- 
ment which  you  thought  was  not  wise.  Very 
likely  if  you  had  called  the  editor's  attention  to  it 
in  a  kindly  way  he  would  have  agreed  with  you, 
dropped  the  advertisement,  and  thanked  you  for 
your  pains.  But  instead  you  wrote ;  **  Stop  my 
paper.  I  won't  patronize  any  swindling  advertis- 
ing sheets."  In  fact,  you  treat  an  editor  with 
whom  you  disagree  as  you  would  no  other  gentle- 
man. Perhaps  it  is  because  he  writes  under  the 
impersonal  "we,"  and  you  think  it  is  impossible 
to  insult  an  impersonal  being.  But  allow  me  to 
inform  you  that  the  chances  are  that  the  editor  is 
a  gentleman.  At  least,  unless  you  know  some- 
thing to  the  contrary,  you  should  give  him  the 
benefit  of  the  doubt,  and  treat  him  as  such. 
This  is  a  free  country.  There  is  no  reason  why 
you  should  take  his  paper  unless  you  choose,  but 
there  are  very  decided  reasons  why,  even  in  a  free 
country,  you  should  treat  every  gentleman  in  a 
gentlemanly  way.  Another  thing  to  be  remem- 
bered, my  friend,  is  that  you  are  probably  injuring 


THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDKNCE.  8/ 

yourself  far  more  than  you  are  the  editor.  If  the 
paper  is  a  valuable  one  it  is  worth  far  more  to  you 
than  your  subscription  is  worth  to  it.  And  lastly, 
much  less  lightning;  goes  with  your  thunder-bolt 
than  you  imagine.  Your  brief  philippic  will  prob- 
ably never  come  to  the  editor's  eye.  It  will  waste 
its  sweetness,  or  rather  its  sourness  on  the  desert 
air  of  the  subscription  manager's  desk.  If  I  were 
you  I  wouldn't  send  it. 

Your  friend, 

A.    MOSSBACK, 


AN     OPEN     LETTER    TO     THE    YOUNG 

FOLKS  OF  THE  FIRST  CHURCH 

OF   CRANBERRYVILLE. 


Dear  Young  Friends  : 

I  have  been  talking  with  your  pastor,  Rev. 
Simeon  Godspeed,  and  he  has  told  me  what  you 
have  done  for  him,  and,  in  consequence,  I  want  to 
give  you  an  old  man's  blessing.  You  saw  that 
your  pastor  looked  troubled  and  anxious.  He  was 
a  little  doleful  in  his  prayer-meeting  remarks,  and 


88  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

his  sermons  betrayed  the  fact  that  he  was  getting 
disheartened.  This  was  the  more  noticeable  be- 
cause Parson  Godspeed  is  naturally  bright  and 
hopeful  and  by  no  means  a  pessimist.  Some  peo- 
ple thought  it  would  be  well  to  cheer  him  up  with 
a  donation  party,  and  others  thought  that  fifty  dol- 
lars a  year  ought  to  be  added  to  his  salary.  Now 
I  haven't  much  faii;h  in  the  doughnut  cure  myself, 
and  I  don't  believe  that  either  a  donation  party  or 
fifty  dollars  additional  salary  would  have  helped 
matters  with  Parson  G. 

Then  there  was  another  set  in  the  church  who 
began  to  whisper  that  Mr.  Godspeed  was  getting 
along  in  years,  and  that  if  he  preached  many  more 
such  gloomy  sermons,  it  would  be  time  to  look 
out  for  a  new  minister.  If  things  had  gone  on  in 
this  way,  I  don't  know  what  these  malcontents 
might  not  have  done,  but  just  then  you  came  to 
the  rescue.  A  meeting  of  the  committees  of  your 
society  was  first  held.  Henry  Rossiter  was  chair- 
man of  the  lookout  committee,  and  he  called  the 
committees  to  order  and  spoke  as  follows :  *'  I 
think  I  know  what  the  matter  with  our  pastor  is. 
Doughnuts  and  cord-wood  and  mince-pies  and 
pickles  won't  meet  the  difficulty.     Neither  will  an 


THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  89 

addition  to  his  salary  or  a  repainting  of  the  meet- 
ing-house.    He  is  discouraged  because  of  the  lack 
of  spiritual  results,  and  I,  for  one,  don't  wonder. 
I  move  that  we  go  to  work  to  help  him."     That 
motion  was  unanimously  carried,  and  then  you  be- 
gan to  make  the  plans.     The  prayer-meeting  com- 
mittee said  that  they  would  do  their  best  to  make 
the  next  church  prayer-meeting  the  best  one  ever 
held  in  Cranberryville,  and  the  lookout  committee 
said  ^hey  would  see  every  young  person  that  went 
to  that  church,  and  get  them  all  out  to  it,  and 
make  sure  also  that  all  of  them  should  be  present 
next   Sunday  morning   at    church.     The  Sunday 
school  committee  were  confident  that  there  were 
some  young    people  who  might    be  brought  into 
the  school,  and,  what  was  better,  they  would  get 
them  in ;  while  the  music  committee,  by  sitting 
together  on  the  front  seats  and   getting   all    the 
other  singers  to  sit  with  them,  thought  they  could 
improve  the  prayer-meeting  singing.     The  social 
committee  did  not  want  to  be  outdone,  and  they 
agreed  to  stand  at  the  door  to  welcome  any  new- 
comers ;    while   the   calling    committee   said   they 
would  at  once  go  to  see  the  three  new  families 
who  had  moved  into  town  over  at  Slab  Hollow, 


90  THE     MOSSBACK     COKRESPONDENCE. 

and  see  if  there  were  not  some  young  people 
there  to  be  brought  in.  Well,  to  make  a  long 
story  short,  all  these  plans  were  carried  out.  The 
good  parson  was  surprised  to  see  seventy-three 
people  at  the  next  church  prayer-meeting,  instead 
of  the  usual  twenty-one,  and  such  a  prayer-meet- 
ing as  it  was  —  forty-four  prayers  and  testimonies, 
mostly  from  the  young  people,  and  such  good 
singing !  Why,  Parson  Godspeed  began  to  think 
that  the  millennium  was  coming,  and  he  was  al- 
most sure  of  it  when  next  Sunday  the  congrega- 
tion was  twice  as  large  as  usual,  and  there  seemed 
such  an  unusual  air  of  fellowship  and  good-will. 
He  never  preached  so  in  all  his  life  either ;  some 
people  said  he  seemed  inspired.  There  wasn't  a 
doleful  sentence  in  all  his  sermon,  and,  what  was 
better  than  all,  that  Sunday  was  apparently  the 
beginning  of  a  revival  such  as  Cranberryville  had 
never  known.  I  think  I  know  where  that  revival 
began.  What  you  did  was  as  much  better  than  a 
donation  party  as  prayer  is  better  than  provender, 
and  earnest  co-operation  is  better  than  squash- 
pies  and  doughnuts.     God  bless  you  all. 

Your  friend, 

A.    MoSSBACK. 


THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  9I 

AN  OPEN  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSSBACK 
TO  SISTER  DORCAS. 


Dear  Sister  : 

I  rejoice  that  your  ancestress  who  died  eight- 
een hundred  years  ago  left  such  a  prolific  and 
numerous  family  behind  her.  What  our  churches 
would  do  without  Sister  Dorcas  is  more  than  I 
can  imagine.  The  ladies'  prayer-meeting  needs 
her,  the  mission  circle  needs  her,  the  church  socia- 
ble needs  her,  while,  of  course,  the  ladies'  benevo- 
lent society  and  the  sewing-circle  must  have  her. 
The  trouble  is  that  Sister  Dorcas  is  apt  to  be 
overworked,  even  if  there  are  several  of  her,  and 
sometimes  there  comes  an  alarming  period  in  the 
life  of  a  church  when,  grown  old  in  the  service  of 
the  church  militant,  she  is  removed  to  the  church 
triumphant,  and  no  one  is  left  to  take  her  place. 

And  now,  good  sister  Dorcas,  since  such  an 
event,  happy  for  you  but  disastrous  to  the  church, 
may  happen  at  any  moment,  why  not  start  a 
Dorcastry  .'*  I  do  not  mean  just  such  an  institu- 
tion as  one  of  our  aggressive  ministers  has  re- 
cently told    about    in    the   papers,   but   a  private 


92  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

school  where  likely  girls  may  be  trained  to  take 
your  place.     I  would  not  have  it  known  that  there 
was  such  a    school,    nor    would   I  let    the  pupils 
themselves    know    that    they   were    attending   it. 
Just   bring  the    young    ladies  under   your  kindly 
influence ;  show  them  what  the  church  needs  ;  set 
them  at  work  in  some  approved  way ;  give  them 
some  of  your  tasks,  even  though  they  do  bungle 
them  at  first;  send  them  on  errands  of   mercy; 
let   them  help  you  plan  the  next   church  supper 
and    the    next    missionary   meeting.      Above   all, 
inspire  them  with  your  love  and  burning  zeal  for 
Christ ;  and  the  Church  of  the  twentieth  century, 
and  of  twenty  centuries  to    come,  will    call   you 
blessed.  You  see  I  wax  warm  when  I  think  of  the 
glorious  work  you  may  perform  for  our  churches, 
even  though    I    am  an  old  fogy  minister,   whom 
some  people  think  superannuated.    May  God  bless 
you  and  increase  your  tribe. 

Your  friend, 

A.   MoSSBACK. 


THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  93 

AN   OPEN   LETTER  TO  THE   MAN  WHO 

DOES  NOT  INTEND  TO  PAY  FOR 

HIS  NEWSPAPER. 


My  Dear  Friend: 

I  hear  that  you  have  not  paid  your  subscription 
to  your  religious  newspaper  for  two  years;  in 
fact,  if  you  will  look  at  the  tag,  I  don't  know  but 
you  will  find  that  you  are  three  or  four  years 
behind.  If  it  is  simply  forgetfulness  on  your 
part,  I  will  own  to  a  good  deal  of  sympathy  with 
you,  for  I  am  a  forgetful  old  gentleman  myself ; 
but  if  you  belong  to  the  tribe  who  wish  to  cheat 
the  publishers  out  of  several  years'  subscription, 
I  have  no  patience  with  you. 

Why,  man,  paper  and  type,  and  leading  articles 
and  editorial  services  cost  money,  as  well  as  beef- 
steak and  potatoes  and  crackers  and  cheese,  and  I 
know  what  the  butcher  and  grocer  would  say  if 
you  allowed  them  to  deliver  goods  at  your  door 
for  which  you  never  expected  to  pay.  "But,"  you 
say,  "the  publishers  are  not  obliged  to  send 
me  their  paper."  To  be  sure,  but  they  are  not  so 
foolish  as  to  stop  its  weekly  visits,  and  throw 
away  eight  dollars  which  you  owe  for  four  years, 


94  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

and  so  they  keep  sending  you  the  paper  and  fre- 
quent duns  as  well,  perhaps,  to  remind  you  of 
what  you  owe  them. 

Some  kinds  of  meanness  are  meaner  than  other 
kinds,  but  few  kinds  are  more  despicable  than 
that  of  the  man  who  goes  to  work  systematically 
and  deliberately  to  cheat  his  newspaper.  You 
might  claim,  with  some  show  of  reason,  that  the 
beefsteak  charged  on  your  butcher's  bill  was  too 
high,  but  the  cheapest  article  that  comes  into 
your  home  is  the  good  newspaper.  That  which 
would  cost  five  hundred  dollars  to  produce  if  only 
a  single  copy  was  made,  you  get  for  five  cents,  or 
perhaps  for  two,  and  yet  you  let  it  come  every 
week,  and  refuse  to  pay  the  two  cents  at  the  end 
of  the  year.  Then,  again,  this  is  the  meanest 
kind  of  meanness,  because  you  think  you  will  not 
be  exposed  or  disgraced  in  the  eyes  of  your  neigh- 
bors, you  take  advantage  of  your  remoteness  and 
supposed  freedom  from  exposure  to  filch  six  or 
eight  dollars  out  of  the  pockets  of  the  publisher. 
Come,  my  friend,  read  the  eighth  commandment 
over  again,  and  pay  up  like  a  man. 

Your  friend, 

A.   MOSSBACK. 


THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  95 

AN  OPEN  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSSBACK 
TO  MISS  GRACE  KINDHEART. 


Dear  Friend  : 

I  have  frequently  thought  of  writing  to  you  to 
express  the  admiration  I  have  long  had  for  your 
character.     You    have    always    supposed,   I    pre- 
sume, that  I  was  such  an  old  fogy  that  I  never 
took  any    notice    of  the   young   ladies.     But    old 
fogies  see  what  is  going  on,  1  assure  you,  and  I 
have  often  remarked  what  a  pleasant,  good-natured 
expression   your   face    habitually  wears.     I    have 
never   heard    you    laugh   very   loudly,    and    have 
rarely  seen  you  giggle,  but  your  face  is  like  a  ray 
of  sunshine  whenever  I  see  you  pass  my  window. 
( I  am  sure  it  will  not  make  you  vain  to  have  an 
old  man  tell  you  this.)     Then,  too,  I  have  noticed 
how  helpful  you  are  at  home,  always  as  ready  to 
aid  the  good  mother  as  though  the  queen  herself 
had  given  you  a  royal  commission.     Then,  again, 
I   have  often   seen  you  walking  with   your  own 
brother,  and  apparently  enjoying  his  company  just 
as  much  as  you  would  that  of  some  other  girl's 
brother.     I  know,  also,  how  you  went  to  see  little 
Jennie  Jones  when  she  had  the  scarlet  fever,  and 


96  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

no  one  else  would  go  near  her ;  and  how  you  fre- 
quently take  a  bunch  of  flowers  to  crippled  Susie 
Smith ;  and  how  you  sometimes  take  care  of  Mrs. 
Brown's  eleventh  and  last  baby,  so  she  can  get 
out  to  church  once  in  a  while. 

Oh,  yes!  we  old  people  keep  our  eyes  open 
even  when  you  do  think  we  are  half  asleep ;  and 
though  you  supposed  no  one  ever  knew  about 
these  things,  you  were  very  much  mistaken.  Let 
me  tell  you  another  thing,  too,  if  the  likeliest 
young  man  in  town  ever  asks  my  advice  in  regard 
to  the  matrimonial  venture,  I  shall  tell  him  (you 
needn't  blush)  that  he  will  be  a  very  fortunate  fel- 
low if  he  can  ever  win  the  love  of  Grace  Kind- 
heart. 

Your  friend, 

A.    MoSSBACK. 


AN  OPEN  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSSBACK 
TO  MRS.  ATTENTIVE. 


Dear  Friend  : 

I  suppose  you  never  will  know,  in  this  world, 
the  good  you  have  accomplished,  but  I  think  when 


THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  97 

the  angel  opens  the  pearly  gate  to  let  you  in,  you 
will  hear  a  sweet  voice  whispering  in  your   ear, 
"You  helped  the  minister   preach   his    sermons, 
and  you  prevented  many  a  disastrous  failure   in 
the  prayer-meeting,  and  many  a  soul  has  entered 
these  gates  because  your  attentive  eye  saw  what 
he  needed  and  supplied  the  timely  word."     You 
will  very  likely  be  much  surprised,"  like  those  peo- 
ple whom  we  read  about  in  the  25th  chapter  of 
Matthew,  and  will  wonderingly  ask  when  you  did 
all  this.      I  will  tell  you,  for  there  is  no  reason 
why  a  good  soul  like  yourself  should  not  have  a 
"well  done"  in  this  life,  as  well  as  in  the  life  to 
come. 

In  the  first  place,  your  very  attitude  in  church 
has  helped  your  pastor  a  thousand  times.  Even 
in  the  hottest  weather,  when  Dea.  Snorer  used 
to  yield  to  Morpheus  before  the  organ  voluntary 
was  over,  and  when  Miss  Peacock  fluttered  her 
fan  in  a  most  distracting  way  throughout  the 
whole  service,  your  pastor  could  always  turn  to 
you  and  see  one  pair  of  eyes  fixed  on  him.  You 
were  never  able  to  afford  a  conspicuous  seat,  and 
you  thought  that,  as  you  sat  back  under  the 
gallery,  no  one  noticed  you,  but  I  assure  you  that 


98  THE    MOSSRACK    COKRESPONDF.XCE. 

your  pastor's  eyes  have  very  often  sought  your 
seat  for  the  encouragement  which  your  fixed  at- 
tention and  eager  attitude  have  alvviys  furnished. 

Then,  too,  you  were  always  at  the  prayer-meet- 
ing, and  brought  the  same  blessed  characteristic 
with  you  there.  You  knew  what  was  going  on. 
You  had  an  appropriate  verse  of  Scripture,  or  a 
poem,  to  take  the  place  of  the  awkward  pause 
which  you  instinctively  felt  was  about  to  ensue. 

Then  the  way  in  which  your  kindly  and  atten- 
tive eye  always  detected  the  dangerous  temptation 
to  which  Freddie  Young  was  likely  to  yield,  or  the 
incipient  flirtation  which  might  ruin  the  life  of 
Jennie  Littlesense,  and  the  way  in  which  you 
guarded  them  from  so  many  shoals,  always  filled 
me  with  gratitude  that  a  few  people  go  through 
life  with  their  eyes  open. 

Once  more  please  accept  the  thanks  of  your  old 
friend, 

A.   MOSSBACK. 


THE    MOSSIJACK    COKKESPONDKNCE.  QQ 

AN  OPEN  LETTER  TO  THE  YOUNG  MAN 
WHO  IS  ABOUT  TO  GET  ENGAGED. 


My  Dear  Young  Friend  : 

I  have  had  private  but  authentic  information 
that  you  are  about  to  become  engaged,  or,  at  least, 
about  to  "pop"  the  momentous  question,  which 
may  result  in  an  engagement.  You  may  say  that 
it  is  none  of  Mr.  Mossback's  business  what  you 
are  about  to  do,  but  I  think  you  will  pardon  a  few 
words  even  on  this  delicate  subject  from  an  old 
man.  In  the  first  place,  I  congratulate  you  heart- 
ily if  the  young  lady  is,  as  you  believe,  the  one 
girl  in  all  the  United  States  who  can  make  you 
happy.  There  is  nothing  so  good  for  a  young 
man  as  to  have  a  home  of  his  own  and  a  pretty 
wife  to  pour  out  his  tea  on  the  other  side  of  the 
cosy  supper-table  if  he  gets  the  right  girl  to  pre- 
side over  his  tea-table,  —  but  not  otherwise.  I  ad- 
mit that  it  sounds  rather  ungracious  to  insinuate 
even  so  much  as  a  single  "if"  or  "but"  just  here, 
yet  it  is  a  good  deal  better  to  put  in  the  "if"  or 
"but"  now  than  to  have  it  involuntarily  insert  it- 


100  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

self  by  and  by,  after  you  have  established   that 
supper  table. 

Is  she  kindly  tempered  and  good-natured  ? 
Does  she  treat  her  old  father  and  mother  with  re- 
spect and  her  little  brother  with  gentleness  ? 
Does  she  sympathize  with  you  in  your  tastes,  at 
least,  to  some  extent  ?  Is  she  "  sugar  and  spice 
and  all  that's  nice"  only  when  you  are  in  the 
room  ?  Did  you  ever  overhear  a  sharp,  petulant, 
quarrelsome  voice  issuing  from  her  lips  when  she 
thought  you  didn't  hear.!*  Has  she  broken  a 
score  of  hearts  already  ?  Has  she,  metaphorically, 
a  dozen  lovers'  scalps  at  her  belt  ?  Does  she  like 
neighborhood  tattle  better  than  a  good  book  ? 

These  are  rather  cold-blooded  questions  to  pro- 
pound to  you  in  your  present  state  of  mind,  I 
know,  but  this  is  the  best  time  to  ask  them,  and, 
if  they  can  be  answered  satisfactorily,  I  think  that 
the  afore-mentioned  cosy  tea-table  will  be  some- 
thing more  than  a  bright  picture  of  the  imagina- 
tijn,  one  of  these  days. 

Your  friend, 

A.    MoSSBACK. 


THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  lOI 

AN     OPEN     LETTER    TO    THE    YOUNG 

LADY  WHO  WILL  SOON  BE  ASKED 

IN  MARRIAGE. 


My  Dear  Young  Friend  ; 

As  I  said  in  my  last  letter,  I  have  had  private 
but  authentic  information  that  a  certain  young 
gentleman  is  about  to  ask  a  very  important  ques- 
tion. I  have  equally  accurate  news  that  you  are 
the  one  who  will  have  to  answer  the  question. 
If  the  asking  it  is  a  matter  of  importance  to  him, 
answering  it  in  the  right  way  is  a  matter  doubly 
important  to  you. 

That  cosy  tea-table  which  figures  in  both  your 
imaginations,  will  probably  fill  a  larger  space  in 
your  life  than  in  his,  and  it  is  a  matter  of 
supreme  moment  to  you  who  sits  on  the  other 
side  of  it.  You  are  well  acquainted  with  this 
man  who  is  about  to  ask  the  important  question,  I 
understand.  Very  likely  you  have  some  premoni- 
tion of  what  is  coming.  When  he  called  last  Fri- 
day night  you  saw  that  he  had  something  serious 
on  his  mind,  and  I  shouldn't  wonder  if  he  got  it 
off  his  mind  when  he  calls  next  Friday  night. 


I02  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

Let   me  presume  upon  the  liberty  of  age  and 
ask  you  two  or  three  questions.     Does  the  said 
young  man  have  a  shady  reputation  for  honesty 
and    straightforward     dealing.?       Does    he    ever 
drink.?      Is    his    breath   suspiciously  redolent    of 
cloves  ?     Does  he  ever  apologetically  smother  an 
oath   in  your  presence.?     Has  he  a  well-founded 
reputation  of  belonging  to  the  "fast. set.?"     Does 
he  rather  pride  himself  on  being  a  **hard  boy.?" 
Does  he  laugh  at  the  prayer  meeting .?     Does  he 
feel  too  big  to  go  to  Sunday  school .?     Does  he 
refuse  to  go  to  church,  but  come  sneaking  around 
at  the  close  of  the  service  for  the  sake  of  going 
home    with    you.?      If   these    questions    must   be 
truthfully  answered  in  the  affirmative,  I  hope  that 
your    answer  to    him    will    be   spelled    with    two 
letters  rather  than  with  three.      I  would  rather  be 
single  all  my  life,  with  only  a  black  cat  to  love 
me,  than  have    such   an    apology    of   a   man    for 
a  husband. 

Your  friend, 

A.    MoSSBACK. 


THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  IO3 

AN  OPEN  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSSBACK 
TO  REV.  O.  F.   FISH. 


Dear  Brother: 

I  acknowledge  your  intellectual  resources  and 
your  critical  ability,  and  am  not  disposed  to  depre- 
ciate, in  any  degree,  your  admirable  mental  quali- 
ties ;    but  I  do  think  your  guns  are  pointed  the 
wrong  way.     I  rarely  hear  you  preach  or  speak  on 
temperance,  for  instance,  but  you  spend  most  of 
your  time  in  belaboring  the  W.  C.  T.  U.  for  its 
sins  of    omission  or  commission  ;    or  you    get  in 
a  neat  drive  at  the  Sons  of  Temperance,  or  allude 
flippantly   to   the  defunct    Washingtonian    move- 
ment.    When  missions  is  your  theme,   it  is  the 
unwisdom  of    existi  ig  agencies  and  the  superior 
advantage  of  that  ideal  missionary  society  which 
you  have  inaugurated  —  on  paper.      If  the  Sunday 
school  happens  to  be  the  burden  of  conversation, 
one  would  almost  suppose  that  all  the  ills  of  lax 
family  government,  parental  carelessness,  unfilial 
behavior  and  ignorance  of  the  Word  of  God  and 
the  doctrines  of  the  church  could  be  laid  at  the 
nursery  door  of  the  church. 


104  THE    MOSSBACK     CORRESPONDENCE. 

Perhaps  it  is  the  younger  brother  of  the  Sun- 
day school,  the  Society  of  Chrirtian  Endeavor, 
which  is  under  discussion.  You  acknowledge 
that  it  seems  to  be  doing  a  good  work  wherever 
tried,  but  you  have  discovered  certain  "tenden- 
cies" which  alarm  you;  or  you  see  an  "entering 
wedge"  somewhere  lying  about,  which  gives  you 
concern  (by  the  way,  you  always  have  a  large 
assortment  of  "  entering  wedges  "  on  hand)  ;  or 
yon  have  reason  to  believe  that  the  leaders  in  the 
work  are  ambitious  or  self-seeking,  and  so  you 
withhold  your  approval,  and  block  the  wheels  so 
far  as  you  can. 

Now,  dear  deluded  brother,  I  beg  of  you  to  turn 
your  guns  the  other  way.  What  is  the  use  of  al- 
ways trying  to  make  it  hot  for  your  own  garrison, 
instead  of  for  the  enemy  ?  There  are  the  rum- 
shops  to  fight.  If  you  don't  like  the  Christian 
Temperance  Union  methods,  use  your  own ;  but 
remember  it  is  rum  and  the  rum-shop  and  the 
rum-seller  whom  you  have  to  oppose,  instead  of 
the  temperance  workers.  If  you  don't  like  exist- 
ing missionary  methods,  by  all  means  use  your 
own  methods,  start  your  own  society,  send  out 
your  own   missionary  to  do    your    own   work    in 


THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  10$ 

your  own  way ;  but,  in  order  to  do  that,  it  is  not 
necessary  to  pu^l  down  the  organization  in  which 
the  rest  of  the  church  sees  fit  to  work.     You  will 
not  take  it  unkindly,  I  hope,  if  I  remind  you  that 
the  enemy  which  missionaries  are  attempting  to 
fight   is   on    the   foreign    field,   not  in   your  own 
church.     The  Sunday  school  is  not  yet  a  perfect 
institution,  but  it  will   not   be  any  more  perfect 
after  you  have  tried  to  cripple  it  by  assuring  the 
world  that  it  is  a  nuisance.     The  Christian  En- 
deavor Society  is  doing  the  best  it  can  to  raise  up 
a  generation  of  outspoken,  faithful  young  Chris- 
tians, loyal   to    Christ  and   the  Church.     If  you 
have  a  better  plan,  by  all  means  propose  it,  and  I 
think  it  will  very  soon  be  adopted  by  the  Chris- 
tian world.     In  fact,  dear  brother,  the  only  trouble 
with  you  is  that  your  battery  points  in  the  wrong 
direction.     It  is  composed  of  excellent  guns,  they 
are  well  loaded  with  grape  and  canister,  and  you 
are    an    excellent    marksman.      Your   mistake   is 
only  one  of    direction.     Turn  your  guns  about ; 
point  them  at  your  enemies  and  God's  enemies, 
rather  than  at  your  friends  and  His  friends. 
Very  sincerely  yours, 

A.    MoSSBACK. 


I06  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

AN  OPEN  LETTER  FROM  MR.  MOSSBACK 
TO  BROTHER  TIGHTFIST. 


Dear  Brother: 

When  the  collector  for  foreign  missions  called 
upon  you  for  your  subscription  the  other  day,  I 
understand  that  you  told  her  that  it  was  quite  pre- 
posterous to  give  so  much  money  for  a  parcel  of 
heathen  in  the  middle  of  Africa.  As  for  you, 
when  you  had  any  money  to  give,  you  were  not 
going  to  send  it  so  far  away  from  home.  Amer- 
ica \^as  good  enough  for  you  and  a  good  enough 
place  in  which  to  spend  your  money.  By  and  by 
came  the  time  for  the  home  missionary  collection 
and  another  solicitor  asked  you  for  your  contri- 
bution for  that  purpose.  You  told  him  that  home 
missions  were  all  very  well,  but,  as  for  you,  you 
believed  in  the  city  missions,  and  you  wished  to 
see  the  dirty  hoodlums  around  the  church  door 
converted  before  you  sent  your  money  off  to 
Dakota.  It  was  not  long  before  the  cause  of  city 
missions  was  presented  and  the  good  minister 
thought  surely  you  would  give  largely  to  this 
cause  ;  but,  what  was  his  surprise,  to  find  you  had 


THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  10/ 

SO  many  poor  relatives  of  your  own  that  "you 
could  not  pretend  to  take  care  of  other  people's 
relatives,"  and  then  you  quoted,  with  great  unc- 
tion, the  oft-perverted  Scripture,  "If  a  man  pro- 
vide not  for  his  own,  and  specially  for  those  of  his 
own  house,  he  hath  denied  the  faith,  and  is  worse 
than  an  infidel."  Of  course  the  minister  gave  up 
all  hopes  of  aid  for  city  missions,  but  when  he 
came  to  ask  your  relatives  about  the  matter,  he 
found  that  you  were  your  own  poorest  relative,  and 
that  your  own  bank  account  swallowed  up  all  the 
pennies  you  could  get  together. 

Now,  dear  brother,  you  think  that  you  deceive 
the  world  and  make  people  believe  that  you  are 
generous  by  playing  off  these  various  causes  one 
against  another,  but  no  one  is  deceived.  It  would 
be  a  good  deal  more  honest  and  quite  as  well  for 
your  reputation  if  you  should  say  frankly  when  the 
next  collector  comes  to  you  :  "  I  have  nothing  to 
give  you.  I  want  it  all  myself.  I  can't  bear  to 
have  the  money  get  out  of  my  coffers.  I  am  go- 
ing to  hold  on  to  it  just  as  long  as  I  can,  and 
when  I  can  no  longer  clutch  it,  I'll  leave  it  for  my 
heirs  and  the  lawyers  to  quarrel  over."  That 
doesn't  look  so  well  on  paper,  but  it  has  the  ad- 


I08  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

vantage  of  being  honest.  It  is  hard  to  deceive 
your  fellow-men,  and  still  harder  to  deceive  the 
angels. 

Your  friend, 

A.    MoSSBACK. 


AN    OPEN    LETTER   TO    THE    CHURCH 

COMMITTEE  IN  SEARCH  OF 

A  PASTOR. 


Dear  Brethren  : 

Your  church,  if  I  am  not  mistaken,  is  in  a 
smart  and  growing  town  ;  you  have  lately  painted 
your  church  without  and  frescoed  it  within  ;  you 
can  pay  a  salary  of  $1,900  and  the  parsonage,  and 
you  are  in  need  of  a  pastor.  You  have  my  hearti- 
est sympathy  in  your  search.  If  any  body  of  men 
needs  grace  and  wisdom,  you  are  the  men.  There 
was  Rev.  Zaccheus  Pusher,  who  thought  he  could 
grace  your  pulpit,  and  who  prevailed  upon  his 
forty-seven  personal  friends  to  write  you  forty- 
seven  personal  letters  extolling  the  said  Rev.  Zac- 
cheus to  the  skies.     Had  it  not  been  for  the  mar- 


THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  lOQ 

vellous  spontaneity  of  these  endorsements  and 
the  remarkable  fact  that  they  all  came  in  the 
same  week,  Rev.  Z.  P.  might  now  be  your  pastor ; 
but  some  things  are  altogether  too  spontaneous. 
Then  there  was  Dr.  Solomon  Heavyweight,  whose 
friends  knew  so  much  better  than  you  did  that  he 
was  "just  the  man"  you  needed  for  your  church. 
Then  the  whole  class  in  Jerusalem  Seminary 
engaged  your  attention,  but  as  the  young  lady 
who  had  so  many  beaux  to  choose  between  went 
through  life  unmarried,  so,  between  all  the  very 
attractive  young  divines,  it  was  difficult  to  choose, 
and  you  ended  by  taking  none  of  them.  At  last, 
Rev.  Horatius  Rustler  came  along  and  preached 
two  Sundays  in  your  pnlpit  and  so  captivated  one 
portion  of  the  audience  that  there  seemed  likely 
to  be  a  serious  split  in  the  church  when  another 
portion,  not  liking  his  breezy  style,  voted  against 
him  and  the  call  was  lost  by  two  votes.  How- 
ever, common-sense  and  divine  grace  prevailed, 
and  harmony  ruled  once  more  until  Rev.  Job 
Steadfast  preached  and  reversed  the  order,  pleas- 
ing most  of  those  whom  Rev.  Mr.  Rustler  had  not 
pleased.  But  again  the  call  failed  and  again  there 
was  danger  of  division.     And  now  two  years  have 


no  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

passed  away  and  your  poor  church  is  apparently 
no  nearer  a  settlement  of  the  difficulty  than  it 
was  when  your  good  old  pastor  died.  What  shall 
you  do?  I  think  I  can  tell  you.  Pass  a  church 
vote  to  hear  no  more  candidates.  Then  let  a 
lar^e  and  wise  committee,  in  whom  the  church 
has  confidence,  be  chosen  to  obtain  a  pastor. 
There  is  some  young  man  (or  perhaps  he  is  not 
so  young)  waiting  in  another  parish  or  in  the 
seminary  for  the  Lord  to  open  to  him  just  such  a 
church  as  yours.  He  is  pious,  earnest,  able  and 
humble,  and  he  does  not  write  to  church  com- 
mittees in  his  own  behalf.  Look  up  his  record. 
Find  out  what  he  has  done,  how  he  has  lived, 
how  he  has  wrought  and  how  he  preaches.  Then, 
if  his  record  is  good,  call  him  and  settle  him  over 
your  church,  if  he  will  accept  the  call.  Do  not 
expect  to  get  a  Gabriel,  and  remember  that  if 
Gabriel  should  accept  your  call  he  would  not  feel 
at  all  at  home  in  your  parish.  I  have  very  little 
doubt  that  this  modest  man  whom  you  will  thus 
prayerfully  and  carefully  select  will  be  the  very 
one  for  your  distracted  parish. 

Your  friend, 

A.  MoSSBACK. 


THE    MOSSnACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  I  I  I 

AN   OPEN   LETTER    TO    THE    MINISTER 
WHO  IS  LOOKING  EOR  A  PARISH. 


Dear  Brother : 

I  know  your  tribulations  full  well,  and  I  sympa- 
thize with  you  with  all  my  heart.  You  have  been 
in  search  of  a  pastorate  for  a  year  and  three-quar- 
ters, and  still  you  have  not  found  it.  I  know 
your  sterling  qualities  of  mind  and  heart.  You 
stood  near  the  head  of  your  class  in  college ;  your 
seminary  record  is  unquestionably  good  ;  your  ser- 
mons are  full  of  "meat";  your  heart  is  full  of 
grace;  your  first  pastorate  was  more  than  usually 
successful,  and  you  left  it  through  no  fault  of  your 
own.  Then  you  began  candidating  —  what  else 
could  you  do .?  At  Green  Pasture,  they  had  noth- 
ing against  you,  in  fact,  rather  liked  your  sermons, 
but  you  were  the  first  candidate  they  had  had,  and 
the  committee  decided  that  they  must  hear  others 
for  purposes  of  comparison.  The  result  was  that 
opinion  in  that  church  became  hopelessly  divided 
by  this  comparative  process,  and  they  are  no 
nearer  to  a  pastor  to-day  than  you  are  to  a  parish. 
Then  at  Still  Waters,  on  the  contrary,  where  you 


112  THE     MOSSIiACK     COKKKSI'UNDICN'CE. 

next  preached,  they  had  been  making  so  many 
comparisons  that  you  did  not  suit.  To  be  sure, 
many  liked  you  and  wanted  you,  but  those  were 
the  ones  who  did  not  like  Rev.  Mr.  Rustler,  and 
when  your  name  came  up,  Mr.  Rustler's  friends 
rallied  and  defeated  you.  At  Sleepy  Hollow,  the 
deaf  old  deacon  who  sat  on  the  front  seat  com- 
plained that  you  did  not  speak  loud  enough,  and 
he  could  not  vote  for  you ;  while  at  Metropolis- 
ville,  rich  Mrs.  Nervine  declared  that  you 
preached  so  loud  that  it  made  her  "poor  head 
snap,"  and  she  should  have  to  withdraw  her  sub- 
scription if  you  were  called.  At  Beacon  Hill, 
your  necktie  unfortunately  got  out  of  kilter  and 
offended  the  fastidious ;  and  at  Junctiontown, 
your  sermon  was  thought  to  reflect  upon  the  can- 
didate for  selectman,  whose  political  actions,  in 
spite  of  the  fact  that  he  hired  a  pew  on  the  broad 
aisle,  would  hardly  bear  inspection.  Now,  dear 
brother,  I  know  that  you  are  patient  and  long-suf- 
fering, as  well  as  earnest  and  able,  but  you  cannot 
go  on  thus  forever.  Even  your  disposition  will 
get  soured.  And  yet  your  ill-fortune  is  due  as 
little  to  the  people  to  whom  you  have  preached  as 
to  yourself  ;  it  is  the  fault  of  the  wretched  candi- 


THE     MOSSHACK     COKRF.SPONDENCE.  II3 

dating  system.  If  you  do  not  turn  Methodist  and 
let  the  bishop  manage  the  whole  business,  there  is 
only  one  thing  else  to  do.  Take  the  first  place 
that  opens  to  you,  however  small  the  parish  and 
meagre  the  salary.  It  may  not  be  at  all  commen- 
surate with  your  gifts  or  education.  Neverthe- 
less, take  it;  do  conspicuously  good  work  just 
there ;  labor  for  those  people  as  you  would  have 
labored  for  that  church  at  Metropolisville,  which 
did  not  call  you  ;  preach  every  Sunday  the  best 
sermons  that  six  days  of  hard  bbor  can  furnish, 
and  it  will  not  be  long  before  you  are  called  to  a 
wider  field,  and  that  church  which  wants  a  pastor, 
as  much  as  you  want  a  parish,  will  settle  you,  let 
us  hope,  for  life. 

Your  friend, 

A.    MOSSBACK. 


MR.  MOSSBACK'S  VIEWS 


ON 


PRACTICAL  SUBJECTS. 


MR.  MOSSBACK'S  VIEWS  ON  PRACTICAL  SUBJECTS. 


THE  BOOK  AGENT. 


Next  to  the  long-suffering  mother-in-law,  the 
book  agent  probably  is  made  a  target  for  more 
cheap  wit  of  the  average  newspaper  variety,  than 
any  other  modern  mortal.  He  may  deserve  some 
of  the  opprobrium  that  is  cast  upon  him,  for  his 
persistence  in  the  sale  of  his  wares  is  not  always 
of  the  gentle  and  winning  variety,  but  after  all  we 
are  inclined  to  consider  him  one  of  the  benefac- 
tors of  humanity.  Subscription  books,  even  if 
their  contents  are  made  to  order,  and  their  bind- 
ings are  often  cheap  and  glittering  shoddy,  are 
better  than  no  books  at  all,  and  many  a  house  in 
America  would  be  as  destitute  of  books  as  a 
Zulu's  kraal  were  it  not  for  the  insinuating  bland- 
ishments  of  the   peripatetic   bookseller.     At  any 

117 


Il8  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

rate,  we  are  convinced  that  he  is  deserving  of 
better  treatment  than  he  usually  receives  from  the 
public.  Suppose  he  does  ring  your  door-bell, 
good  housewife,  when  your  hands  are  in  the  dough 
and  your  cakes  are  frying,  he  is  at  least  worthy  of 
a  polite  refusal,  if  ycu  do  not  wish  his  wares, 
rather  than  a  metaphorical  slap  in  the  face  and  an 
actual  slam  of  the  door. 

A  poor  fellow  who  was  engaged  in  this  business 
said  to  me  the  other  day,  **  I  can  stand  it  no 
longer.  I  have  been  so  often  abused  and  ill- 
treated  and  snubbed  and  all  but  kicked  down  the 
steps  that  it  has  actually  made  me  sick.  I  am 
afraid  to  ring  the  door-bells  any  longer,  my  feel- 
ings have  been  so  often  hurt.  I  know  of  no  other 
way  to  earn  an  honest  living,  but  I  cannot  keep 
on  at  this  business.  If  I  wasn't  a  grown  man, 
with  a  little  of  a  man's  pride  left  in  me,  I  should 
go  off  and  lie  down  and  cry,  as  I  sometimes  did 
when  a  little  boy."  Very  likely  this  was  an  ex- 
treme case  of  sensitiveness,  but  I  am  convinced 
that  more  than  one,  if  equally  frank,  would  con- 
fess to  the  same  experience.  I  well  remember  a 
wealthy  and  distinguished  physician,  whom  I  once 
-'.iccrved  as  he  was  approached  by  a  book  agent, 


THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  I  I9 

with  the  usual  well  committed  tale  concerning  his 
books.  "I  thank  you,"  replied  the  gentleman 
(for  he  was  a  thorough  gentleman),  "I  thank  you 
for  giving  me  this  opportunity  to  buy  your  book, 
but  I  really  am  so  busy  to-day  that  I  have  not 
time  to  examine  its  merits.  You  must  excuse  me 
to-day."  The  book  agent  was  so  paralyzed  by 
this  unaccustomed  treatment  that  he  went  away 
without  another  word.  Similar  treatment  on  the 
part  of  my  readers  may  produce  equally  happy 
effects. 


WINGS  BUT  NO  LEGS. 


It  is  Bishop  Warburten,  I  believe,  who  says 
something  like  this  :  "  A  lie  has  wings  but  no 
legs.  It  cannot  stand,  but  it  is  always  ready  to 
fly  far  and  wide."  How  often  this  striking  epi- 
gram has  been  proved  true  !  Lies  intentional, 
and  lies  unintentional^  lies  of  ignorance,  and  lies 
of  malice  aforethought,  they  all  have  wings,  and 
the  more  dastardly  and  despicable  the  lie  the 
stronger  its  power  of  flight.     They  are  like  foul 


I20  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

night-birds,  passing  overhead  in  the  darkness ; 
one  hears  only  a  dismal  sound  and  sees  not  the 
things  that  utter  it.  No  sensible  or  right-minded 
person  gives  any  credence  to  an  anonymous  let- 
ter, but  many  a  person  will  put  full  faith  in  an 
anonymous  lie.  "They  say,"  with  some,  is  almost 
equal  to  a  sworn  affidavit  or  the  verdict  of  a  jury. 
"  Where  there  is  so  much  smoke  there  must  be 
some  fire,"  is  a  favorite  motto  with  many  people 
who  think  themselves  wondrous  wise.  But  it  is 
far  from  being  universally  true.  The  helplessness 
of  the  victim  of  an  anonymous  lie  is  often  a  piti- 
able, not  to  say  pathetic,  feature.  He  cannot 
fight  it  any  more  than  he  can  fight  the  enveloping 
fog.  It  comes,  no  one  knows  whence,  and  goes, 
no  one  knows  whither,  but  it  stays  long  enough  to 
weight  the  whole  atmosphere  with  its  unwhole- 
some presence,  and  to  find  its  way  into  every 
household.  No  profession,  perhaps,  is  so  endan- 
gered by  the  anonymous  lie  as  the  ministerial. 
The  fiendish  men  and  women  who  start  them 
know  this  very  well,  and  are  not  slow  to  take 
advantage  of  this  knowledge.  A  clergyman's 
good  name  once  smirched,  they  know  is  forever 
smirched,  and  a  lie  that  is  easy  to  start  may  be 


THE    MOSSIJACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  121 

impossible  to  refute.  Every  man  owes  it  not 
only  to  his  neighbor,  but  to  himself,  either  to 
utterly  disregard  the  scandalous  rumor  or  to  fol- 
low it  up  and  prove  its  falsity  or  truth.  Do  not 
be  deceived  by  the  strength  and  breadth  of  its 
wing ;  see  if  it  has  legs  and  can  stand. 


THE  BUZZ-SAW  OF  EXPERIENCE. 


"The  buzz-saw  of  experience,"  sagely  exclaims 
one  of  the  secular  papers,  *'  cuts  off  many 
thumbs  and  fingers  before  the  green  hands  learn 
to  respect  its  revolutions."  This  aphorism  has 
many  an  application.  The  would-be  dealer  in 
stocks  who  aspires  to  be  wise  concerning  "puts" 
and  "  calls  "  and  "margins  "  and  "futures  "  often 
realizes  its  truth,  and  finds  that  the  buzz-saw  of 
experience  has  made  sad  havoc  with  him,  cutting 
him  off.  in  fact,  close  to  his  thumbs.  The  pre- 
suming young  man  in  society,  after  many  a  snub, 
learns  to  respect  the  social  buzz-saw. 

The  spread  eagle  orator,  after  flopping  to  the 


122  THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

earth  with  disabled  pinions  once  or  twice,  learns 
that  a  certain  oratorical  buzz-saw  keeps  up  with 
his  loftiest  flight,  and  clips  his  wings  in  a  most 
cruel  and  unexpected  way.  But  all  these  experi- 
ences are  as  nothing  compared  with  that  of  him 
who  tampers  with  the  buzz-saw  of  dissipation. 
Alas !  alas  for  the  young  man  who  will  not  learn 
by  the  awful  experience  of  the  bleeding  myriads 
who  have  been  hacked  and  slaughtered  by  strong 
drink  or  licentiousness  !  Most  sad  is  this  experi- 
ence, since  even  the  pain  and  disgrace  does  not 
teach  wisdom  or  keep  the  victim  out  of  reach  of 
the  destroyer.  The  dealer  in  stocks,  once  victim- 
ized, usally  learns  caution  ;  the  society  beau  does 
not  often  expose  himself  to  ridicule  the  second 
time  ;  the  public  speaker,  when  he  finds  he  can- 
not soar,  is  content  to  walk ;  but  the  more  the 
sharp  teeth  of  dissipation  cut,  the  more  the  victim 
rushes  within  their  grasp,  until,  at  last,  there  is 
nothing  left  even  for  dissipation  to  pierce  and  de- 
stroy.  The  buzz-saw  of  gambling  and  dishonest 
gain  is  equally  direful.  It  is  not  content  to  cut 
off  a  thumb  here,  and  a  finger  there,  or  even  to 
hack  off  an  arm  or  a  leg,  it  cuts  the  whole 
man,  body  and  soul.     Woe  unto  the  young  man 


THE     M03S13ACK    CORKESPOxNDENCE.  1 23 

who  will  not  be  warned  by  the  experience  of 
others,  but  who  ventures  to  play  with  the  very 
teeth  of  destruction. 


BANDAGING  THE  WRONG  LEG. 


The  story  is  going  the  rounds  about  the  effi- 
cient young  lady  who  had  attended  emergency  lec- 
tures and  studied  nursing  as  a  high  art ;  who, 
suddenly  being  called  to  put  her  newly-acquired 
knowledge  into  practice  by  a  carriage  accident, 
with  an  heroic  soul,  flew  to  the  relief  of  the  poor 
man  who  was  injured,  tore  her  skirt  into  frao-- 
ments,  improvised  certain  splints,  and  bandaged 
his  leg  with  the  greatest  celerity  and  skill.  Her 
work  was  really  scientific  and  admirable,  but  when 
the  injured  man  was  removed  to  the  hospital,  it 
was  found  that  the  sound  leg  was  bandaged,  and 
that  the  broken  one  had  received  no  attention. 

Whether  this  story  is  strictly  true  will  probably 
never  be  known  by  most  of  us,  but  to  all  intents 
and  purposes  it  is  true  ;  the  wrong  leg  has  been 
bandaged  a  thousand  times.     With  the  best  inten- 


124  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

tions  possible  and  most  kindly  feelings,  the  well- 
meaning  friend  rushes  to  the  rescue,  only  to  seize 
the  wrong  member  or  to  do  his  work  so  inconsid- 
erately that  it  is  sure  to  be  bunglingly  done.  The 
poor  man  who  needs  a  word  of  encouragement  to 
help  him  up  from  the  ditch  receives  a  large 
amount  of  good  advice  given  in  a  caustic  manner, 
which  throws  him  back  into  the  mire  again,  while 
the  self-conceited,  bumptious  individual,  whom  a 
little  plain  talk  would  not  harm,  is  patted  on  the 
back,  and  made  more  conceited  than  ever.  The 
poor  parson,  who  feels  the  need  of  greenbacks 
more  than  any  other  one  thing,  is  presented  with 
his  nineteenth  pair  of  slippers  or  with  an  orna- 
mented and  highly-aesthetic  coal-scuttle. 

The  poor  college,  in  whose  empty  treasury  a 

penny  would  rattle,  is  left  as  poor  as  ever,  while 
the  rich  university  has  tens  of  thousands  continu- 
ally added  to  its  millions.  It  would  be  quite  to 
the  advantage  of  all  concerned  if  some  people 
would  not  exhibit  their  generosity  (bless  their 
kind  hearts)  as  they  do ;  but  would  make  a  careful 
examination  to  see  which  is  the  injured  or  needy 
member,  and  thus  not  so  often  bandage  the 
wrong  leg. 


THE    M0SSI5ACK    CURRESPONDKNCE.  125 


MAKE  THE  BEST  OF  HIM. 


There  is  a  good  deal  of  philosophy  in  the  re- 
mark of  the  old  lady  brought  out  by  the  wayward 
boy:  "Well,  there's  something  spiles  us  all." 
If  this  thought  does  not  excuse  the  young  scape- 
grace, it  at  least  makes  us  more  charitable  toward 
him  ;  and,  though  some  glaring  fault  or  weakness 
may  spoil  his  character,  this  very  fact  shows  that 
there  is  something  to  spoil,  and,  consequently, 
something  worth  saving,  if  he  is  not  wholly  corrupt. 
It  will  never  do  to  forget  that  this  is  a  world  of 
mixed  good  and  evil.  The  saint  is  not  often  quite 
so  white  as  his  biographers  paint  him,  nor  the  evil 
man  quite  so  black  as  his  photographers  make 
him.  Even  Paul  and  Peter,  good  men  as  they 
both  were,  could  have  a  grievous  falling  out,  and 
David  could  commit  a  sin  which  seems  unpardon- 
able to  us,  and  Luther  could  be  too  hot-tempered, 
and  Calvin  could  be  implacable.  While  on  the 
other  hand,  Esau,  even  in  selling  his  birthright, 
had  some  generous  impulses,  and  Saul  had  his 
lucid  periods  of  repentance,  and  Henry  the  Eighth 
did  something  besides  kill  his  wives,  and  Napo- 


126  TlIK    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

Icon's  record  is    not    wholly  made    up    of  unjust 
bloodshed. 

No  good  man  on  this  side  of  Jordon's  flood  is 
wholly  good  ;  no  bad  man  this  side  of  the  pit  of 
perdition  is  wholly  bad.  These  people  of  mixed 
motives,  mixed  impulses,  mixed  actions,  are  the 
men  whom  we  must  live  with  and  work  with  and 
make  the  best  of.  In  this  last  familiar  phrase, 
"  Make  the  best  of  them,"  we  have  the  key  to  the 
situation.  Not  in  the  lazy,  conventional  sense  of 
condoning  and  overlooking  their  faults,  because  it 
is  too  much  trouble  to  correct  them,  but  in  the 
better  sense  of  bringing  out  the  best  that  there  is 
in  others,  by  our  own  gentleness  and  purity  and 
sweetness,  remembering  our  kinship  with  them 
even  in  their  weaknesses  and  sins. 


LEARNING  TO    HOWL. 


It  is  an  old  Spanish  proverb,  I  believe,  "  He 
who  lives  with  wolves  will  soon  learn  to  howl." 
He  who  lives  with  the  faults  of  his  friends,  and 
counts  them  over  and  sorts  them  and  weighs  them 


THE     MOSSRACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  12/ 

and  measures  them,  will  soon  have  equally  grave 
ones  of  his  own,  which  his  friends  will  be  sure  to 
see,  and  which  will  make  him  positively  unable  to 
cure  them.  There  is  nothing  that  so  deteriorates 
character  as  this  undue  looking  after  faults  and 
blemishes  in  others  while  we  are  blind  to  our  own. 
We  may  abhor  meanness  and  stinginess  in  our 
neighbor,  and  be  able  to  give  a  hundred  reasons 
why  he  should  give  away  more  in  charity,  and  see 
many  little  things  which  indicate  his  smallness  of 
soul,  and  at  the  same  time  we  may  be  so  en- 
grossed with  one  phase  of  meanness  in  him  as 
to  forget  another  phase  of  meanness  in  ourselves. 
We  may  abhor  untruth  so  vehemently  in  some  one 
else  that  we  shall  forget  to  hate  impurity  in  our- 
selves. We  may  despise  our  neighbor  for  his 
sharpness  and  trickery,  and  spread  over  our  own 
slackness  and  idleness  and  shiftlessness  the  cover- 
let of  "Thank  God,  I'm  not  a  sharper!"  The 
idle,  thriftless  man  can  never  reform  the  over- 
shrewd  speculator ;  the  impure  man  can  never 
lift  the  untruthful  man  out  of  the  bog ;  the  gossip 
is  not  fit  to  cure  the  miser  of  his  selfishness. 
There  is  only  one  way,  after  all,  to  reform  the 
world.     Not  by  learning  to  howl  at  its  faults,  or 


128  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

to  bark  at  its  mistakes,  but  first  to  begin  the  work 
of  reformation  with  ourselves.  We  come  back 
inevitably  to  the  old  truth :  "  In  order  to  make 
the  best  of  others  we  must  first  make  the  best  of 
ourselves." 


WATCH    THE     BRAKES,     HOLD    TIGHT 
REINS,   START    SLOW. 


A  Short  Ser7non  To  Yointg  Men. 

I  saw  ;he  above  legend  on  a  horse-car,  the 
other  day,  over  the  driver's  head.  I  suppose  it 
was  for  the  instruction  of  the  driver,  and  yet  it  is 
not  without  its  metaphorical  significance  for  every 
young  man.  There  is  a  sermon  in  a  sentence,  and 
here  ai"  the  divisions. 

I  St.  "  Watch  the  Brakes.''  Be  sure  that  you 
not  only  have  the  power  to  go,  but  the  power  to 
stop  going.  Every  well-regulated  life  has  a  brake 
as  well  as  a  driving-wheel.  The  driver  who  can- 
not stop  his  car  at  the  desired  crossing  is  quite  as 
helpless  as  the  one  who  cannot  start  his  horses. 
A  friend  once  told  us  that  one  of  the   most  dis- 


THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  1 29 

tressing  moments  of  his  life  was  when  he  o-ot 
started  down  a  very  long,  steep  hill,  where  there 
was  no  tree  or  bush  to  break  his  descent,  and 
down  which  he  was  obliged  to  rush,  with  ever 
increasing  speed  until  he  reached  the  foot.  Yet 
he  only  faintly  typifies  many  a  young  man  on  the 
moral  downward  grade,  who  has  lost  control  of 
the  brakes. 

2d.  My  second  head,  young  brethren,  is, 
''Hold  Tight  Rehisy  Hold  tight  reins  on  pas- 
sion, on  pride,  on  love  of  acquisition,  on  extrava- 
gance, on  ambition.  They  are  all  good  servants, 
if  you  keep  them  where  they  belong,  harnessed  in 
subjection  to  a  high  moral  purpose  and  Christian 
devotion.  They  are  terrible  masters,  if  they  take 
the  bits  in  their  mouth,  and  get  beyond  your 
control. 

3d.  The  third  division  of  my  sermon,  dear 
young  friends,  is,  ''Start  Slowr  To  start  the 
horses  on  a  gallop  is  not  only  cruel  to  them,  but 
it  shakes  up  the  passengers,  and  very  likely  will 
jolt  the  car  off  the  track.  There  is  time  enough 
to  reach  the  end  of  the  route,  and  keep  up  with 
the  schedule.  There  is  no  reason  why  you  should 
start  life  in  a  brown-stone  house  with  six  servants. 


130  THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

Your  father  did  not  start  in  this  way.  If  he  had, 
he  would  not  be  living  where  he  is  now.  There  is 
no  reason  why  you  should  be  worth  a  hundred  thou- 
sand dollars  at  the  end  of  the  first  year  in  busi- 
ness. As  many  a  presidential  candidate  knows  to 
his  sorrow,  the  ''early''  boom  often  kills  the  best 
chance.  The  one  who  starts  slow  often  wins 
the  prize. 


THE  SIGHER  AND  GROANER. 


She  is  a  very  unpleasant  person  to  have  about. 
I  beg  the  ladies'  pardon  for  using  the  feminine 
pronoun,  since  she  may  belong  to  either  sex,  but 
is  a  little  more  likely  to  belong  to  the  sex  that 
neither  votes  nor  crows.  If  she  is  a  man,  she  is 
apt  to  become  a  growler  and  grumbler,  who,  per- 
haps, is  quite  as  bad  in  his  way  as  a  sigher  and 
groaner.  If  the  aforementioned  sigher  and  groan- 
er  is  found  in  the  home,  she  is  decidedly  more 
depressing  than  a  gloomy  "spell  of  weather." 
Like  the  contentious  woman,  with  whom  Solomon 
was  so  well  acquainted,  she  is  a  continual  drop- 


THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  I3I 

ping  on  a  very  rainy  day.  Mrs.  Gummidge  is 
very  entertaining  in  Dickens'  pages,  but  decidedly 
the  reverse  when  she  is  found  in  the  family  circle. 
She  distributes  the  moist  gloom  of  her  teary  sighs 
over  the  whole  household.  Even  the  small  boy 
cannot  resist  the  depressing  influence,  and  can 
only  express  his  feelings  and  let  off  his  repressed 
emotions  by  a  few  extra  capers  in  the  back  yard. 
When  he  grows  a  little  larger,  alas  !  he  escapes 
the  heavy  atmosphere  of  such  a  home,  too  often, 
by  entering  the  saloon  or  the  brothel.  If  the 
sigher  and  groaner  happens  to  be  found  in  a 
business  office,  as  clerk  or  saleswoman,  you  would 
think  that  all  the  weight  of  a  vast  business  rested 
upon  her  shoulders.  A  little  unusual  labor,  and 
the  sighs  and  groans  are  brought  into  requisition 
to  make  others  miserable  and  show  herself  an 
overworked  martyr. 

Dear  sigher  and  groaner,  your  little  scheme 
does  not  wear  v;cll.  It  soon  becomes  threadbare. 
No  one  will  pity  ycu  any  the  more,  or  love  you 
half  so  well,  for  this  respira  Ty  exhibition  of  your 
woes.  After  a  while  it  excites  only  contempt. 
Do  your  duty  cheerfully,  bear  your  burden  hap- 
pily.    The   sighs  and  groans   and  the  discontent 


132  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

which  they  express  only  add  to  life's  trouble,  and 
make  your  own  burden  and  that  of  other  people 
more  grievous  to  be  borne. 


STUFFING  A  DEAD  HORNET. 


A  wise  saying  of  Josh  Billings  was,  "  Thare  iz 
no  more  real  satisfackshun  in  laying  up  in  yure 
buzzum  an  injury  than  thare  iz  in  stuffing  a  dead 
hornet,  who  haz  stung  you,  and  keeping  him  tew 
look  at." 

This  is  just  as  true  as  though  Plato  or  Socrates 
had  expressed  it  in  classic  phrase.  How  many 
people  have  a  large  and  varied  and  exceedingly 
unpleasant  assortment  of  these  stuffed  hornets  on 
hand.  There  is  an  old  church  quarrel  for  in- 
stance. It  was  dead  and  ought  to  have  been 
buried  twenty  years  ago,  but  half  the  church  mem- 
bers have  stuffed  the  old  dead  hornets,  and  keep 
them  to  look  at  from  time  to  time.  There  is  our 
old  personal  grievance !  Sombody  slighted  us, 
did  not  return  our  greeting,  uttered  a  disparaging 
remark  about  our  ability,  interfered  with  our  busi- 


THE    MOSSBACK     CORRESPONDENCE.  1 33 

ness  success,  beat  us  in  politics  when  we  ran  for 
alderman !  That  happened  long  ago  ?  Oh,  yes, 
but  the  hornet  which  stung  us  so  badly  has  been 
stuffed  and  set  up  by  a  skilful  taxidermist,  and, 
really,  after  the  lapse  of  all  these  years,  looks  just 
as  natural  as  ever.  One  evil  thing  is,  that  these 
hornets,  though  dead,  retain  their  sting.  This  is 
just  about  as  sharp  as  when  first  it  pierced  us, 
and,  by  looking  at  the  stuffed  insect,  we  recall  the 
old  pain. 

What  is  the  "  satisfackshun,"  as  Josh  Billings 
calls  it,  in  laying  up  in  one's  memory  a  dead  in- 
jury that  should  have  been  buried  out  of  sight 
when  it  died  ? 


THE  EVOLUTION  OF  THE  TEAKETTLE. 


I  have  an  impression  that  an  admirable  lecture 
might  be  written  on  the  above  subject,  by  one 
who  had  the  time  and  ability  to  devote  to  it. 
There  speeds  the  railway  train  flying  along  its 
iron  highway  at  the  rate  of  a  mile  a  minute,  yet 
it  is  moved  by  the  same  power  —  intensified,  rein- 


134  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

forced  and  harnessed  down  —  that  Hfts  the  lid  of 
the  teakettle. 

There  again  is  the  modern  mammoth,  the 
steamship,  ploughing  its  way  through  the  yield- 
ing water,  almost  as  rapidly,  bridging  the  conti- 
nents in  six  days,  and  yet  its  motive  power  is  the 
same  that  sings  the  song  of  the  teakettle.  For 
generations  before  James  Watt  was  born,  the  ket- 
tle sung  upon  the  hob,  but  the  ages  were  waiting 
for  the  teakettle  and  James  Watt  to  come  to- 
gether. It  is  altogether  probable  that  some 
equally  homely  and  commonplace  article  is  wait- 
ing until  the  full  time  shall  come  to  teach  the 
world  an  equally  useful  lesson. 

Another  thing  that  I  learn  from  the  teakettle 
is,  that  Providence  is  never  in  a  hurry.  It  can 
always  wait  for  James  Watt  to  be  born  and  grow 
up.  The  inventions  that  have  revolutionized  the 
world  have  none  of  them  come  before  they  were 
needed.  When  the  new  world  was  discovered 
and  had  begun  to  be  peopled,  when  trade  and 
commerce  had  outgrown  their  early  swaddling- 
clothes,  when  a  new  force  was  needed  to  do  the 
rapidly  increasing  work  of  the  world,  then  came 
the    new   power    to    supplement    the    insufficient 


THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  1 35 

brawn  and  sinew  of  man  and  beast.  But  I  need 
not  pursue  these  thoughts  further.  I  would  rec- 
ommend to  each  reader  to  listen  to  the  song  of 
the  teakettle.  Then  let  him  do  his  own  mor- 
alizing. 


THE  SENSE  OF  HUMOR. 


It  is  a  vast  misfortune  if  the  sense  of  humor  is 
left  out  of  one's  composition.  Everything  be- 
comes distorted  to  the  man  who  never  allows  the 
sidelight  of  humor  to  wrinkle  the  corner  of  his 
eyes,  or  to  draw  up  the  corner  of  his  mouth.  The 
lack  of  this  sense  prevents  a  correct  judgment  of 
men  and  matters,  and  is  especially  characteristic 
of  narrow  and  provincial  minds,  even  though  they 
may  be  sharp  and  intense  in  some  directions. 

Matthew  Arnold,  unable  to  understand  the 
humorous  persiflage  of  certain  Western  papers, 
and  making  up  his  mind,  in  consequence,  that 
America  is  the  home  of  braggart  Philistines,  is  a 
conspicuous    example    of   this    unfortunate    lack. 


136  THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

Many  a  controversy  is  made  bitter  and  acrimoni- 
ous because  a  remark  that  was  at  first  made  with 
the  twinkle  of  the  eye,  or  a  quizzical  expression 
that  was  both  commentary  and  glossary,  is 
repeated,  or  read,  without  these  accessories,  and 
sounds  brutal  and  cold-blooded. 

An  editor  is  especially  likely  to  be  thus  mis- 
judged, for  since  his  utterances  are  read  by  scores 
of  thousands,  he  will  be  sure  to  be  misunderstood, 
unless  he  deals  simply  in  plain  facts  and  didactic 
remarks  thereon,  or  else  makes  his  jokes  as  ob- 
vious as  a  patent  medicine  advertisement  on  the 
side  of  a  barn.  Well,  there  is  nothing  for  him  to 
do  but  to  be  misunderstood  occasionally,  or  else  to 
draw  a  long  face,  and  use  a  dull  pen,  since  he  can- 
not send  out  a  skilful  practitioner  with  every  copy 
of  his  paper,  to  perform  the  surgical  operation 
that  is  sometimes  necessary,  nor  can  he  ever  tell 
with  just  which  copy  of  the  paper  it  is  necessary 
to  send  the  surgeon. 

I  hear  much  about  a  sixth  sense  which  is  being 
slowly  developed,  though  there  is  a  difference  of 
opinion  as  to  what  this  shall  be  called.  How 
would  it  do  to  add  to  the  familiar  five,  the  sense 
of  humor? 


THE     MOSSDACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  1 37 


THE  POMPOUS  MAN. 


There  he  goes  along  the  street  now !  I  do  not 
know  his  name,  but  think  I  can  tell  you  some- 
thing about  him,  nevertheless.  His  gait  reveals 
his  character.  Some  people  think  you  can  tell  a 
man's  character  by  his  handwriting ;  I  think  you 
can  tell  far  more  about  him  by  his  walk.  In 
the  most  literal  sense,  a  man's  "walk  and  conver- 
sation" are  indicative  of  his  character.  His  Pom- 
posity often  wears  good  clothes  and  a  hat  perched 
a  trifle  on  one  side,  and  as  he  swings  along  the 
street,  with  a  condescending  nod  occasionally  be- 
stowed to  the  right  or  to  the  left,  you  feel  sure 
that  he  says  to  himself,  "What  a  fine  figure  I  am 
cutting! " 

Well,  such  a  man  would  be  hardly  worth  hold- 
ing up  to  ridicule  were  it  not  for  certain  base 
moral  qualities  which  usually  go  with  this  out- 
ward show.  It  is  needless  to  say  that  such  a  man 
lacks  the  first  Christian  grace  —  humility ;  he  is 
always  thinking  of  himself  "  more  highly  than  he 
ought  to  think,"  and  if  all  the  world  does  not 
share    his    opinion,   he    is    apt   to   dislike   all   the 


138  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

world.  If  he  happens  to  belong  to  the  church,  he 
is  very  sure  to  believe  that  his  brethren  and  sis- 
ters do  not  appreciate  him,  and  soon,  very  likely, 
becomes  an  Ishmaelite,  wandering  about  from  one 
church  to  another,  each  of  which  strangely  refuses 
to  recognize  his  wonderful  gifts.  For  the  same 
reason  he  is  likely  to  become  a  turncoat  in  poli- 
tics, it  is  so  difficult  to  find  any  political  party 
that  recognizes  him  at  his  own  value,  and  he  be- 
comes disliked  and  unpopular  wherever  he  is 
known.  If  the  pompous  man  could  only  buy  him- 
self at  his  neighbor's  valuation  and  sell  himself  at 
his  own,  he  would  immediately  amass  a  large  for- 
tune, but  there  is  no  danger  of  his  becoming  rich 
in  this  way. 


MEAN  STREAKS. 


Some  very  good  people,  in  a  general  way,  have 
their  virtues  quite  overbalanced  by  a  certain  mean 
fibre  of  disposition  or  character  which  runs 
through  their  lives.     They  may  be  entirely  uncon- 


THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  1 39 

scious  of  the  "mean  streak  "  ;  in  fact,  they  f^ener- 
ally  are,  but  their  friends  are  in  no  way  oblivious 
to  it.  It  is  like  a  horrid  discord  in  the  midst  of 
sweet  harmony,  an  acrid  taste  in  luscious  fruit,  an 
unsightly  object  in  a  beautiful  landscape.  It 
spoils,  or,  at  least,  greatly  injures,  all  the  rest, 
which  would  otherwise  be  admirable.  Some- 
times this  mean  streak  is  a  lack  of  generosity, 
sometimes  it  is  a  lack  of  charity,  quite  as  often  as 
otherwise  it  is  an  ill-natured  tongue,  a  tongue 
that  delights  to  speak  sharp  words,  or  galling 
words,  or,  in  some  way,  to  plant  a  thorn  in 
another's  pillow,  by  reminding  him  of  some  defect 
or  mischance.  Very  likely  this  same  thorn- 
planter  may  have  a  most  lovely  smile,  she  may 
be  really  benevolent  to  the  natives  of  Borrioboola 
Gha.  She  may  even  be  ready  to  watch  with  a 
friend  in  sickness,  or  sympathize  when  real  trou- 
ble comes,  but  she  cannot  restrain  the  cuttina: 
remark,  she  cannot  forbear  to  give  the  timely 
"dig,"  she  unmercifully  rejoices  in  a  kind  of 
moral  (or  immoral)  pin  sticking.  Most  of  us  are 
anxious  and  careful  to  have  our  characters  rieht 
in  the  main;  let  us  be  equally  mindful  of  the 
mean  streaks. 


140  TITE    M0SS15ACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 


IF. 


"He  would  make  a  capital  preacher  //he  would 
drop  that  mannerism."  "He  would  be  a  fine 
lecturer  //"he  had  a  different  voice."  "  He  would 
make  a  most  excellent  teacher  if  ha  had  a  more 
commanding  presence."  How  often  we  hear  such 
remarks  made,  and  how  futile  they  are !  There  is 
an  "if"  about  every  man  who  lives  in  this  imper- 
fect world.  Such  remarks,  when  simmered  down 
to  their  real  meaning,  often  are  as  tautological  as 
though  one  said,  "  Such  and  such  a  one  would  be 
perfect  if  h.c  were  only  perfect."  Or,  "In  such 
another  character  little  would  be  left  to  be  desired 
//"he  were  only  an  angel."  To  be  sure,  dear  critic, 
there  is  very  little  doubt  about  this  proposition, 
and  there  is  as  little  that  is  novel  or  startling 
about  it.  Very  likely  you,  yourself,  will  be  im- 
proved when  you  are  so  happy  as  to  reach  the 
fields  Elysian.  Remember,  too,  that  these  "ifs" 
stand  often  for  individuality  of  character.  The 
"if"  differentiates  the  man  from  the  common 
herd,  and  uniformity  and  conventionality  would  be 
gained  at  the  expense  of   originality   and   power. 


TIIK     MOSSBACK    CORRKSPONDENCE.  141 

Do  not  find  so  much  fault  with  the  mannerism  of 
your  minister.  It  may  be  only  the  unfortunate 
manifestation  of  real  ability.  Take  away  that  "'if " 
and  you  would  lose  not  a  little  of  the  man.  In 
fact,  few  men  would  be  good  for  much  were  there 
not  in  their  lives  an  "if"  of  this  sort  at  which  the 
carping  world  might  croak 


ANOTHER  KIND  OF  "IF." 


There  is  another  kind  of  an  "if"  which  usually 
relates  not  to  the  mere  externals  and  mannerisms 
of  the  man,  but  to  his  moral  character  which  must 
be  treated  in  a  very  different  way.  It  is  worse  to 
cover  up  serious  defects  with  an  "if"  than  it  is  to 
exaggerate  trifling  idiosyncrasies  by  the  use  of  the 
same  little  word.     Yet  it  is  done  quite  as  often. 

"  He  would  be  a  fine  fellow,  if  he  would  only 
let  Hquor  alone."  But  ah!  he  will  not  let  liquor 
alone,  and  he  is  very  far  from  being  a  fine  fellow, 
"He  would  be  a  capital  companion,  ifyow  could 
only  believe  what  he  says."     But  alas!  he  is  a 


142  THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

confirmed  liar,  and  his  is  a  false  and  despicable 
character ;  he  is  anything  but  a  capital  companion. 
"He  would  be  such  a  gentleman,  if  ho.  only  wasn't 
such  a  rake."  But  if  he  is  a  rake  he  can  never  be 
a  gentleman.  There  is  no  such  thing  as  making 
a  fine  fellow  out  of  a  drunkard,  or  a  capital  com 
panion  out  of  a  liar,  or  a  gentleman  out  of  a  rake. 
There  is  much  more  than  a  single  "if"  between 
such  characters  —  they  are  diametrically  opposed. 
The  aev^il  himself  is  popularly  supposed  to  have 
some  admirable  qualities,  such  as  industry  and 
perseverance,  but  these  make  him  none  the  less  a 
demon,  but  only  the  more  fiendish.  The  fact  is, 
all  such  moral  defects,  which  are  not  merely  sur- 
face idiosyncrasies,  but  matters  of  the  heart  and 
character,  eat  into  and  eat  out  the  life  of  the 
whole  man.  They  are  not  pimples  on  the  skin, 
which  in  a  kind-hearted  observer  should  excite  no 
remark ;  they  are  indications  of  rottenness  and 
disease  in  the  very  heart.  We  do  a  wrong  to 
society,  and  especially  to  youth,  when  we  mini- 
mize and  gloss  over  such  defects.  We  should 
never  speak  of  them  as  the  peculiarities  of  a 
"good  fellow"  or  a  "gentleman." 


THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  143 


THAT  EMBARRASSING  QUESTION. 


"  Don't  you  know  who  I  am  ?  " 

"Ahem!  yes,  really,  I  ought  to  know  you;  bad 
memory  for  names,"  etc. 

How  often  the  above  little  dialogue  has  been 
repeated !  Do  have  mercy,  dear  reader,  upon  the 
poor  man  who  cannot  recollect  your  name,  and  do 
not  put  him  on  the  rack.  He  does  not  know  or 
love  you  any  less,  simply  because  he  cannot  call 
you  by  your  patronymic,  and  he  will  be  likely  to 
love  you  a  good  deal  better  in  the  future,  if  you 
don't  ask  him  that  question. 

You  compel  him  to  show  either  a  seeming  rude 
forgetfulness,  or  tempt  him  to  prevaricate  and 
deceive,  by  saying,  "  Oh,  ah  yes  !  why,  how  do  you 
do .? " 

He  will  probably  excuse  this  deception  to  his 
own  conscience  by  making  himself  believe  that  he 
remembers  having  seen  you  somewhere  and  some- 
time in  the  past.  Then  he  will  strain  his  ears 
and  ask  numerous  leading  questions,  until  he  has 
found  out  your  name ;  but,  really,  it  is  cruel  to 
make  him  suffer  so.     "  Let  me  see,  how  do  you 


144  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

spell  your  name?"  said  one  man,  who  was  thus 
put  on  the  rack,  to  his  inquisitor.  "I  spell  it 
J-o-n-e-s,"  was  the  freezing  reply,  which  swept  like 
a  Dakota  blizzard  across  the  path  of  conversation. 
The  more  excellent  way,  when  you  thus  ap- 
proach a  casual  acquaintance,  is  to  pity  his  defect- 
ive memory,  and  say,  "  How  do  you  do }  I  am 
very  glad  to  see  you  again.  My  name  is  Jones, 
and  I  met  you  year  before  last,  on  Broadway,  near 
the  Battery." 


"WHAT'S  THE  GOOD  WORD.? 


>> 


Another  question  which  no  sane  man  should 
ever  ask  is  the  one  which  stands  at  the  head  of 
this  article.  It  is  not  only  embarrassing,  but  it 
is  meaningless ;  in  fact,  it  is  embarrassing,  be- 
cause it  is  senseless.  If  you  wish  to  know  what 
the  news  is,  why  not  ask  the  question  ?  If  you 
wish  to  know  how  your  friend  is,  why  not  say, 
"How  do  you  do.-*"  But  what  in  the  world  is  the 
poor  fellow  to  say  when  you  ask  him  "  What's  the 
good  word.?" 


THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  1 45 

With  few  exceptions  all  words  are  good,  if  used 
in  proper  connections.  There  is  hardly  any  an- 
swer that  can  be  given  to  this  interrogatory  which 
is  not  as  inane  and  senseless  as  the  question  it- 
self. 

What  shall  your  friend  say.?  "I  don't  know." 
"Pretty  well,  I  thank  you."     "About  as  usual." 

He  is  very  apt  to  make  one  of  the  above  incon- 
gruous replies,  simply  because  your  question  gives 
him  no  scope  for  an  intelligent  answer. 

The  only  way  I  know  to  treat  you,  my  friend,  is 
to  get  ahead  of  you,  and  when  I  next  see  you 
coming,  I  shall  have  my  mouth  open  and  all  ready 
to  plump  at  you  the  question,  "  What's  the  good 
word.?" 


KEEPING   THE   WINDOWS    CLEAN. 


I  often  see,  as  I  walk  along  the  city  streets 
early  in  the  morning,  the  boys  busy  with  sponge 
and  polishing  powder  cleaning  the  windows  pre- 
paratory to  the  day's  shopping.  The  larger  and 
handsomer  the  window  the  more  pains,  I  notice, 


146  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

is  taken  to  make  it  as  transparent  and  flawless  as 
soap  and  water  and  vigorous  work  can  make  it. 
So,  also,  if  the  goods  behind  the  window  are  par- 
ticularly rich  and  elegant,  the  window-cleaner 
puts  to  more  strength,  that  no  speck  or  foul  spot 
may  prevent  their  being  seen  to  the  best  advan- 
tage. How  many  of  us  might  learn  a  lesson  from 
the  shopkeepers !  How  little  pains  we  take  to 
have  the  windows  through  which  men  look  in 
upon  our  lives  speckless  !  Many  scholars,  erudite 
and  learned,  are  never  able  to  give  utterance  to 
their  knowledge,  and  the  world  is  none  the  wiser 
for  what  they  know.  One  whose  whole  soul 
glows  with  oratorical  fire  cannot  convince  an  audi- 
ence by  "dumb  oratory."  Many  a  Christian 
whose  heart,  at  times,  seems  filled  with  the  love 
of  God,  always  has  an  impenetrable  curtain  be- 
tween his  neighbors  and  friends  and  his  own  re- 
ligious life.  People  have  an  impression  that 
within  the  light-house  tower  the  light  is  shining, 
but  it  is  a  veiled  light.  Or,  worse  still,  the  win- 
dow of  his  soul  is  befouled  and  soiled  with  the 
flecks  of  a  worldly  life,  or  the  passing  teams  of  a 
sharp  competition  have  spattered  it  with  the  mud 
of  business  rivalry,  and  these  specks  on  the  win- 


THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  14/ 

dow  only  are  seen,  and  not  the  rich  treasure  of 
mind  and  soul  that  lie  behind.  There  is  a  duty 
devolving  upon  every  Christian,  not  only  to  see 
that  his  heart  is  right,  but  that  the  windows 
through  which  the  world  looks  in  upon  him  are 
clear  and  transparent. 


TRUE   POLITENESS. 


True  politeness,  after   all,  is  a  matter  of  the 
heart    rather   than    of    conventionalities.     It    can 
never   be    learned   from  books  of  etiquette  ,  and 
the  dancing  master  is  no  more  likely  to  be  able  to 
possess   it,   or   to  teach   it  than  the  coal  heaver. 
A  youth  clad  in  patent  leather  pumps  and    the 
tightest  of  well-fitting  kids  may  be  far  more  rude 
and  impolite  than  the  country  bumkin   with   hay- 
seed in  his  hair.     In  fact,  he  is  more  likely  to  be 
the  real  bore,  since  he  has  been  all  his  life  on  the 
wrong  tack,  polishing  the  outside  and  letting  the 
inside  go  foul  and  neglected.      You  cannot  make 
a  brass  coal-scuttle  into  a  silver  vase  by  rubbing 
the  outside  with  silver  polish.     This  is  a  mistake 


148  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

which  many  of  our  young  people  make.  They 
think  if  they  can  only  learn  some  of  the  tricks 
and  conventionalities  of  society,  if  they  study  one 
of  those  most  useless  of  all  volumes,  called  books 
of  etiquette,  and  learn  to  eat  with  their  forks, 
and  pick  up  a  lady's  handkerchief,  and  carry  an 
immense  and  knobby  silver-headed  cane  grace- 
fully, then  their  education  is  complete,  and  they 
are  ready  to  graduate  from  the  school  of  polite 
society.  No  ide::  could  be  more  false  or  silly. 
They  have  not  learned  the  alphabet  of  true  polite- 
ness. There  is  something  more  to  a  gentleman 
than  a  gloved  hand,  and  a  polished  shoe,  and 
immaculate  coat,  and  a  suave  manner.  No  per- 
son can  be  truly  polite  who  is  not  a  lady  or  gen- 
tleman at  heart,  who  is  not  ready  at  all  times  to 
do  a  kind  deed  for  others,  out  of  a  genuine  inter- 
est in  and  regard  for  them.  Such  a  person  will 
be  just  as  polite  to  the  weary  old  grandmother  of 
fourscore  as  to  the  blooming  damsel  of  onescore ; 
in  fact,  he  will  be  more  polite,  since  the  aged  one 
more  needs  his  kindly  attention  and  interest. 
Neither  Lord  Chesterfield  nor  Beau  Brummell  is 
the  true  type  of  the  gentleman,  but  rather,  Mr. 
Greatheart,  or  one  of  the  Cherrible  brothers. 


THE     MOSSBACK     CORRESPONDENCE.  1 49 


THE  ANXIETY  DEPARTMENT. 


"I  do  not  need  to  do  any  worrying  in  this  life," 
said  one  friend,  good-naturedly,  to  another ;  "  my 
wife  attends  to  the  anxiety  department  in  our 
household."  I  am  quite  sure  that  this  particular 
friend  does  not  suffer,  but  I  have  an  impression 
that  in  many  households  this  "anxiety  depart- 
ment" is  overfilled.  Worrying,  if  indulged,  gets 
to  be  a  passion,  and,  just  as  some  persons,  with 
unconscious  irony,  say  they  ''enjoy  poor  health," 
so  there  are  others  who  are  never  quite  happy 
unless  they  are  miserable  over  some  real  or  imag- 
inary trouble. 

If  they  only  made  themselves  miserable  it 
would  not  be  of  so  much  consequence;  but  the 
fact  is,  they  frequently  succeed  in  annoying  and 
exasperating  other  people  who  do  not  enjoy  being 
miserable.  There  is  no  pleasure  in  worrying  all 
by  one's  self.  Somebody  else  must  be  dragged 
into  the  anxious  circle  to  make  the  enjoyment 
complete.  Another  unfortunate  thing  about  this 
anxiety  department  —  it  is  constantly  enlarging. 

It  begins,  perhaps,  with  the  baby's  croup,  but 


150  THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

it  extends  its  domain,  until  it  takes  in  all  the  chil- 
dren a;id  the  husband  and  servants  and  the  whole 
neighborhood ;  so  that  neighbor  Jones  cannot 
hang  out  her  clothes  on  Tuesday,  instead  of  Mon- 
day, and  neighbor  Brown  cannot  go  out  to  the 
barn  ten  minutes  later  in  the  morning  than  is  his 
wont,  without  giving  occasion  for  anxiety  and 
remark. 

I  acknowledge  that  undue  anxiety  is  often 
but  an  excrescence  on  other  most  admirable 
qualities  —  care  and  thoughtfulness,  and  loving 
self-sacrifice  —  but,  on  that  account,  it  is  even  the 
more  to  be  avoided ;  a  flaw  in  an  otherwise  per- 
fect gem  is  the  more  noticeable.  Let  us  curtail 
the  anxiety  department. 


MAKE  YOUR  WIFE  YOUR  BAR-KEEPER. 


One  of  the  best,  as  well  as  one  of  the  shortest, 
temperance  lectures  I  ever  read  is  the  following 
from  an  address  once  delivered  by  C.  T.  Camp- 
bell, at  Maysville,  Kentucky : 

"  Bar-keepers  in  this  city  pay,  on  an  average,  $2 
per  gallon  for  whiskey.     One  gallon  contains  an 


THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  151 

average  of  sixty-five  drinks,  and  at  ten  cents  a 
drink,  the  poor  man  pays  $6.50  per  gallon  for  his 
whiskey.  In  other  words,  he  pays  $2  for  the 
whiskey  and  $4.50  to  a  man  for  handing  it  over 
the  bar. 

"Make  your  wife  your  bar-keeper.  Lend  her 
two  dollars  to  buy  a  gallon  of  whiskey  for  a  be- 
ginning, and  every  time  you  want  a  drink,  go  to 
her  and  pay  her  ten  cents  for  it.  By  the  time 
you  have  drank  a  gallon,  she  will  have  ^6.50,  or 
enough  money  to  refund  the  $2  borrowed  of  you> 
to  pay  for  another  gallon  of  liquor,  and  have  a 
balance  of  $2.50.  She  will  be  able  to  conduct 
future  operations  on  her  own  capital,  and  when 
you  become  an  inebriate,  unable  to  support  your- 
self, shunned  and  despised  by  all  respectable  per- 
sons, your  wife  will  have  enough  money  to  keep 
you  until  you  get  ready  to  fill  a  drunkard's  grave." 


IN  FAVOR  OF  RUTS. 


No  more  solemn  thought  can  come  to  the 
young  person,  who  ever  takes  the  trouble  to  think 
at   all,   than    that    contained   in   the   fact    of   the 


152  THE    MOSSIJACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

inevitable  tendency  which  every  human  being  de- 
velops to  deepen  the  lines  of  the  character  with 
which  he  starts  in  life.  As  surely  as  the  drop- 
ping water  wears  away  the  stone,  do  the  passing 
years  groove  our  lives  into  well-worn  ruts.  He 
who  may  have  the  greatest  horror  of  ruts,  and 
who  resolves  that  he  will  be  original,  even  if  he  is 
odd  and  outre  in  attaining  originality,  gets  into 
ruts  which  are  all  the  more  disagreeable  because 
they  are  original.  As  some  one  has  said,  "  There 
is  something  to  be  said  even  in  favor  of  ruts. 
Rut  is  nearly  allied  to  route."  A  rut  is  not  so 
bad,  after  all,  if  it  is  smooth  and  easily  travelled, 
and  leads  to  a  good  goal.  What  we  need  to  re- 
member is  the  importance  of  having  our  rut  lead 
in  the  right  direction.  If  our  rut  is  only  duty, 
made  easy  and  smooth  by  constant  repetitions ;  if 
it  is  generosity  and  truth  and  purity,  love  to  God 
and  fellowman  become  a  second  nature  ;  we  need 
not  fear  wearing  too  deeply  these  grooves  through 
which  flow  all  right  affections.  One  can  scarcely 
do  a  thing  well  until  he  does  it  half  unconscious- 
ly. The  apprentice  sweats  and  fumes  over  his 
work,  and  then  boggles  it.  The  master-workman 
hardly  realizes  that  he  is  handling  his  tools,  but 


THE    MOSSIiACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  I  53 

never  makes  a  mistake.  Don't  be  so  much  afraid 
of  ruts,  young  friends,  as  of  getting  into  the 
wrong  rut. 


MONSTROSITIES  OF  GRACE. 


The  child  was  never  born  who,  at  the  age  of 
two  years,  could  reason  about  philosophy  and  talk 
of  physics  and  metaphysics,  who  could  quote  Aris- 
totle and  discuss  the  merits  of  the  Baconian  sys- 
tem. Should  we  see  such  a  child  we  should  con- 
sider it  a  monstrosity  and  be  very  unpleasantly 
impressed  by  such  unnatural  precocity.  Let  us 
remember  that  God  makes  as  few  monstrosities  in 
the  realm  of  grace  as  in  the  realm  of  nature.  He 
does  not  make  unnaturally  precocious  Christians 
any  more  than  unnaturally  precocious  children.  It 
would  be  unnatural,  not  to  say  absurd,  for  a  Chris- 
tian of  a  week  to  say  with  the  aged  Paul :  "  I  have 
fought  a  good  fight,  I  have  finished  my  course,  I 
have  kept  the  faith ;  henceforth  there  is  laid  up 
for  me  a  crown  of  glory."  But  it  is  perfectly 
natural  and  fitting  for  him  to   ask,   "What   wilt 


154  '^'"E     MOSSHACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

Thou  have  me  to  do?"  Too  many  of  us  desire  to 
be  prodigies,  or  even  monstrosities,  and  some  are 
never  willing  to  begin  to  grow  becaus'  they  can- 
not become  full  grown  in  an  hour.  We  must 
learn  the  deep  philosophy  of  Christ's  words, 
"  Whosoever  shall  not  receive  the  kingdom  of  God 
as  a  little  child  he  shall  not  enter  therein."  Wc 
must  be  content  to  be  children  in  Christ  before 
we  can  be  grown  men  in  Him.  We  must  be  will- 
ing to  creep  before  we  can  walk.  He  who  would 
penetrate  the  mysteries  hid  from  the  foundation 
of  the  world  must  first  take  pains  to  learn  the 
alphabet  of  Christian  living.  The  only  place  for 
prodigies  and  monstrosities  is  a  dime  museum ; 
there  is  little  room  for  them  in  common  life  and 
still  less  in  the  Christian  life,  and  in  the  realm  of 
spiritual  things. 


MANHOOD  TO  THE  SQUARE  INCH. 


"There  is  more  manhood  to  the  square  inch  in 
the  young  man  who  swings  the  scythe  in  the  mea- 
dow than  in  the  one  who  dawdles  a  cane  on  the 


THE    MOSSBACK    tOKRESPONDENCE.  1 55 

boulcvardc,"  sagely  remarked  a  wise  speaker  at  a 
recent    gathering.     His   aphorism   contains  more 
than  enough  salt  to  keep  it  sweet.     There  is  no 
great  objection  to  the  dude  considered  simply  as 
such.     Often  he  is  not  positively  vicious.     He  is 
too  busy  considering  the  cut  of  his  waistcoat  and 
the  width  of  his  trowser-legs  and  the  shape  of  his 
finger-nails  and  the  polish  of  hie    shoes  to  have 
much  time  or  brain  to  spare  for  real  upright  or 
downright  villainy.     In   one   aspect  he  is  a  very 
harmless  individual,  and,  as  in  the  case  of  the  cel- 
ebrated Mr.  Toots,  what  he  does  and  says  is  of 
"no  consequence."     In  another  aspect,  however, 
his  advent  among  us  is   portentous    and  baleful, 
and  just  so  far  as  he  is  admired  and  imitated  by 
American   youth,    a   lack   of   moral    fibre    and  a 
degeneration  of  American  stock  is  indicated.     In 
the  graphic  words  of  the  speaker  whose  sentence 
stands  at  the  beginning  of  this  article,  "  He  has 
very  little  manhood^'to  the  square  inch."     Think 
of  young   Abraham    Lincoln    in    a   loud    suit   of 
checked   goods,  a  flashy  necktie  and  a  monocle, 
tipping  his  hat  back  so  as  to  show  a  straggling 
curl   beneath  the  rim!     Think  of  Ben  Franklin, 
accompanied  by  a  great  dog  (in  dude  vernacular  a 


156  THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

"piirp"),  sticking  his  elbows  out  at  right  angles 
to  his  person  and  swaggering  down  Washington 
street  or  Broadway  !  The  very  incongruity  of 
associating  such  manners  with  men  of  serious  and 
earnest  purpose  shows  how  diametrically  opposed 
to  real  earnestness  are  such  characteristics ;  in 
fact,  how  little  manhood  there  is  about  them. 
As  a  disease,  dudism,  while  it  is  held  up  to  con- 
stant ridicule,  may  not  be  alarming ;  as  a  symp- 
tom of  prevailing  and  increasing  effeminacy  and 
lack  of  manly  character,  it  may  be  no  trifle. 
What  young  Americans  need  to  cultivate,  is 
"more  manhood  to  the  square  inch." 


SLAMMING  THE  DOOR. 


A  suggestive  little  squib,  with  a  moral,  is  going 
the  rounds  of  the  papers.  Bessie  and  Willie  over- 
hear a  quarrel  between  their  parents.  "  Which  of 
them  is  getting  the  worst  of  it .? "  asks  Bessie.  "  I 
don't  know  )et,"  answers  Willie;  "I  am  just  wait- 
ing to  see  which  of  them  will  slam  the  door  going 
out.  "    Willie  had  found  a  better  and  more  univcr- 


THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  1 57 

sal  test  of  human  frailty  than  he  knew.     The  man 
who  gets  the  worst  of  it  usually  slams  the  door. 
To  "get  mad"  is  not  only  a  sign  of  weakness,  but 
a  sign  of  defeat  as  well.     The  successful  person 
can  afford  to  keep  his  temper  and  wait  for  time  to 
vindicate  his  course.     Some  people  slam  the  door 
in  the  newspaper  with  a  vicious,  ill-tempered  arti- 
cle.    It  helps  their  cause  not  one  whit,  but  indi- 
cates that  they  have  had  recourse  to  a  defeated 
man's   last    resort,   an   ill-natured   fling.      Others 
metaphorically  slam   the  church  door.     They  get 
angry  with  a  brother  member,   call   him   names, 
provoke  a  quarrel,  and  perhaps  a  serious  division 
results.     The  man  who   has  a  good  cause  can  af- 
ford to  be  patient.     He  can  meet  his  enemies' 
arguments,  if  it  is  worth  while,  or  he  can  let  them 
go  for  old  Father  Time  to  bury  in  oblivion.     He 
is  not  greatly  ruffled  or  annoyed  even  by  slander 
and  abuse,  for  he  knows  that  a  barking  dog  is  es- 
timated pretty  accurately  at  his  true  value  in  this 
practical  world,  and  that  the  best  poultice  for  the 
wounds  caused  by  hard  words  is  silence.     Noth- 
ing is  gained  by  slamming  the  door.     The  angry 
man  forgets  that  his  opponent's  fingers  are  not  in 
the  crack  of  the  door  and  that  the  sound  neither 


158  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

hurts  him  nor  destroys  his  arguments  nor  heals 
the  pain  he  has  inflicted,  but  only  serves  to  make 
the  slammer  ridiculous  and  indicates  that  he  is 
worsted  in  the  combat. 


SO  LIKE  THEMSELVES. 


I  frequently  hear  it  remarked,  "  How  much  this 
man  is  like  Mr.  So-and-so!'^  "That  boy  is  very 
like  his  father!"  etc.  I  do  not  so  often  hear  it 
said,  "How  much  he  acts  like  himself!"  and  yet, 
in  this  seemingly  self-evident  remark  there  is  a 
profound  truth.  The  boy  is  not  only  father  of  the 
man,  the  boy  is  the  man,  and  the  man  is  the  boy. 
The  boy  often  looks  very  unlike  the  man ;  but 
there  is  a  subtle  chara.'er  resemblance,  which 
the  years  cannot  efface.  This  continuity  of  per- 
sonality, if  I  may  so  express  it,  is  illustrated  in 
a  hundred  trivial  ways.  Here  is  one  man  who  is 
always  five  minutes  late  in  coming  into  church, 
never  any  earlier,  and  rarely  any  later.     There  is 


THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  1 59 

no  conceivable  reason  why  he  should  not  be  on 
time,  once  in  a  while  at  least,  or  why  he  should 
not  sometimes  be  ten  minutes  late,  instead  of  five. 
But  he  never  is.  Here  is  another  good  brother 
who  is  always  in  his  seat  five  minutes  before  the 
organ  sounds  its  first  note,  and  we  should  about 
as  soon  expect  to  find  the  old  church  overturned 
and  dancing  on  its  spire,  as  to  know  him  to  be 
late. 

We  do  not  need  to  see  a  friend's  features  in 
order  to  recognize  him.  His  gait,  the  back  of  his 
head,  the  peculiar  wrinkles  in  his  old  coat,  have  all 
contracted  something  of  his  personality.  They  are 
all  ''like  him'\  If  we  move  away  from  our  boy- 
hood's home  and  come  back  after  twoscore  years, 
there  is  the  old  man  with  gray  locks  and  wrinkled 
brow,  but  the  same  man  whom  we  left  forty  years 
ago,  thriftless  or  thrifty,  miserly  or  generous, 
prompt  or  tardy,  neat  or  slovenly,  as  he  was  then. 
The  lines  of  character  are  more  deeply  graven, 
that  is  all ;  for  men  at  every  period  of  their  lives 
are  so  much  like  themselves.  If  the  acts  of  one 
year  had  no  influence  in  the  next,  if  we  really 
began  anew  with  the  new  year,  these  considera- 
tions would  be  of  comparatively  little  importance ; 


l6o  THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

but  this  continuity  of  life,  this  influence  of  the 
present  upon  the  future,  and  of  the  past  upon  the 
present,  this  freights  the  acts  of  every  day  with  a 
vast  significance. 


GAG  — BY  WELL-DOING. 


In  his  second  letter,  Peter  gives  the  Christians 
of  his  day  some  most  excellent  advice  when  he 
tells  them  to  put  to  silence  by  well-doing  the  igno- 
rance of  foolish  men.  More  literally  translated, 
his  advice  reads  :  "  For  this  is  the  will  of  God 
that  by  your  well-doing  ye  should  gag  the  stolid 
ignorance  of  foolish  persons."  In  fact,  this  kind 
of  a  gag  is  the  only  weapon,  offensive,  or  defen- 
sive, which  Christianity  has  ever  successfully  used 
against  its  enemies.  "Christianity  is  running 
down  and  running  out,"  say  these  enemies.  "It 
is  a  mass  of  superstitions.  Its  only  object  is  to 
scare  men  into  false  pretences.  Its  ministers  are 
corrupt,  its  laymen  are  hypocrites  and  its  Sunday 


THE     MOSSBACK     CORRESPONDENCE.  l6l 

school  superintendents  have  fled  to  Canada."     So 
the  infidel  talks,  while  Christianity  goes  calmly  on 
its  way,  gagging,  by  its  good  deeds  and  its  benefi- 
cent   influence,  this   stolid   ignorance  of  its  fool- 
ish decriers.     Every  hospital   built   by   Christian 
charity,  and  very  few  have  not  thus  been  built,  is 
a  gag  in  the  mouth  of  infidelity.     Every  mission- 
ary society,   and  every  dollar  given  to   missions, 
gag  U\G  charge  that  Christians  are  wholly  selfish 
and  self-seeking.     All  the  charitable  organizations 
and  evangelistic  agencies  with  which  our  country 
abounds,  gag  the   charge  that  a   Christian   cares 
nothing  for  his  neighbor,  so  long  as  his  own  little 
soul  is  saved.     Every  earnest  prayer-meeting  gags 
the  charge  that  there  is  no  more  fellowship  and 
brotherhood   between    professed    Christians   than 
between  any  other  body  of  men.     Every  triumph- 
ant  death-bed   scene,    every    reaching   forth   and 
hastening  unto  the  glory  that  shall  be  revealed, 
gags  the  charge  that  there  is  nothing  in  the  re- 
ligion of  Christ  to  sooth  and  comfort,  nothing  but 
an  appeal  to  supernatural  fears  of  eternal  woe. 

Here  is  a  suggestion  to  be  applied  to  personal 
slander  and  detraction.  We  shall  all  meet  with  it 
sooner  or  later.     Idle  gossips  will  tell  tales.     The 


1 62  THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

best -intended  actions  will  be  perverted.  Our  mo- 
tives will  be  questioned.  Does  any  one  say  that 
he  has  a  persistent  enemy  who  is  continually  slan- 
dering him  .'*  Gag  that  slanderer.  It  is  the 
Bible  rule.  As  the  burglar  puts  a  pad  in  his  vic- 
tim's mouth,  so  that  he  cannot  cry  out,  thus 
should  we  treat  our  slanderer,  only  gag  him  ac- 
cording to  the  Scripture  method  —  with  good 
deeds.  Talk  little  in  refutation  of  what  he  says, 
unless  silence  will  be  construed  as  an  admission 
of  his  charges ;  but  go  about  daily  business  to- 
morrow light-heartedly  and  cheerfully ;  earn  hon- 
est repose  by  honest  work ;  do  unto  others  as  you 
would  that  they  should  do  to  you ;  speak  kindly 
and  charitably  of  every  one,  even  of  that  slanderer ; 
indulge  in  no  sneers  or  flings ;  let  every  action  be 
honorable  and  above-board  ;  be  generous  and  sym- 
pathetic and  kind,  and,  before  this  year  upon 
which  we  have  entered  has  come  to  an  end,  there 
will  be  a  gag  in  that  enemy's  mouth  so  large 
that  he  can  never  utter  another  harmful  slander 
against  you. 


THE    MOSS13ACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  163 


THE  GIFT  OF   DISCONTINUANCE. 


A  Short  Sermou  Out  of  Church. 
Beloved    brethren  and    sisters,  the  doctrine  of 
the  saints'  perseverance  affords  much  comfort  to 
the  Calvinist,  and  the  grace  of  continuance  is  fre- 
quently urged  by  Calvinist   and    Arminian  alike, 
but  I  have  to  urge  upon  you  to  day  the  grace  of 
discontinuance.     My  first    head    relateth    to    the 
prayer-meeting,  where  this  grace  peculiarly  need- 
eth  to  be  exercised.      It  is  far  better  to  say  one 
th  ng  and  stop  before  remarking,  "This  reminds 
me,"  than  it  is  to  be  reminded  of  so  many  things 
that  at  length  the  clock  reminds  the  audience  that 
it  is  high  time  for  you  to  be  reminded  of  nothing 
further.     It  is  not  at  all  necessary  to  expound  a 
whole  body  of  divinity  in  every  prayer-meeting,  or 
even  to  elucidate  exhaustively  a  difficult  passage 
of  Holy  Writ,  and,  as  for  informing  the  Lord  in 
public  prayer  so  minutely  concerning  all  mundane 
things,  it  is  much  better  to  ask  for  one  thing  that 
you  really  want  and  then  have  done. 

My   second    division    relateth    to    the    pulpit. 
Here,  too,  is  an  excellent  place  for  the  exercise  of 


164  THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

this  rare  gift.  If,  as  high  authority  puttcth  it, 
few  souls  have  been  converted  after  the  first  half- 
hour  of  the  sermon,  would  it  not  be  better  to  stop 
then  and  use  that  excellent  and  eloquent  perora- 
tion the  next  time? 

Thirdly,  beloved  friends,  my  theme  has  refer- 
ence to  the  platform,  where  this  grace  has  great 
need  of  exemplification.  Many  of  us  (I  use  the 
pronoun  in  the  first  person  by  way  of  confession 
with  sorrow  and  regret)  who  would  not  filch  an- 
other's pocket-book,  or  even  abstract  his  handker- 
chief, have  been  sadly  wanting  in  conscience  about 
stealing  the  time  of  the  poor  man  who  follows  us 
on  the  programme. 

If  we  have  no  regard  for  a  long-suffering  audi- 
ence, let  us  hereafter  have  pity  on  the  man  who 
makes  the  last  speech  of  the  evening,  and  discon- 
tinue our  own  remarks  while  yet  a  fraction  of  the 
attention  of  the  wearied  audience  can  be  accorded 
to  him. 

And  now,  dearly  beloved,  my  application  shall 
be  an  exhortation  which  illustrates  our  theme. 
Let  us  always  and  everywhere  stop  when  we  get 
through. 


THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  l6$ 


CONCERNING  OVERCOATS. 


Another  Short  Sermon  Out  of  Church. 

Paul,  my  beloved  brethren,  had  something  to 
say  to  his  friends  about  the  cloak  he  had  left  at 
Troas.  If  he  had  lived  in  America  he  would  have 
worn  an  overcoat,  and  we  do  not  see  why  we  may 
not  preach  a  short  sermon  on  the  overcoat.  Not 
the  overcoat  that  was  left  at  Troas,  but  the  one 
you  brought  to  church  last  Sunday  You  took  it 
off  during  the  first  singing  and  you  carefully  put 
it  on  during  the  singing  of  the  last  hymn,  and  at 
the  same  time  you  struggled  into  your  overshoes 
and  stood  up  your  umbrella  in  a  convenient  posi- 
tion to  grab  when  the  benediction  should  be  pro- 
nounced. 

Now,  beloved  brethren,  this  overcoat  is  no^  only 
an  outer  garment,  but  it  is  a  stumbling-block  as 
well.  In  the  first  place,  it  destroys  the  appear- 
ance of  reverence  which  I  know  you  feel  in  your 
inmost  heart  for  the  house  and  worship  of  God. 
There  is  no  more  reason  why  you  should  use  the 
time  devoted  to  the  closing  hymn  for  dressing 
than  the  time  devoted  to  reading  the  text.     One 


1 66  THE     MOSSHACK     CORRESPONDENCE. 

is  just  as  much  a  part  of  the  worship  as  the  other. 

In  the  second  place,  the  overcoat  distracts  the 
attention  of  others.  One  can  hardly  follow  the 
closing  prayer  or  join  in  the  blessing  with  which 
the  service  closes,  if  his  neighbor  is  shuffling  into 
a  pair  of  tight-fitting  rubbers,  or  throwing  his 
arms  about  like  a  windmill,  in  his  efforts  to  get 
into  a  refractory  overcoat. 

In  the  third  place,  dearly  beloved,  you  really 
save  very  little  time  by  any  such  haste.  You 
will  not  get  home  more  than  eight-tenths  of  a 
minute  later  by  waiting  with  bowed  head  in  rever- 
ent pause,  after  the  benediction  is  pronounced, 
before  putting  on  that  outer  garment. 

And  now,  dear  brethren,  I  v/ill  bring  my  short 
homily  to  a  close  by  begging  you  to  leave  that 
overcoat  undisturbed  until  the  service  is  wholly 
finished,  and  the  time  has  come  to  depart  from 
the  house  of  God 


POLITENESS    AS   A    NATIONAL    TRAIT. 


Politeness  will  never  become  thoroughly  accli- 
mated  in    America   until    rudeness,    brusqueness 


THE     MOSSIJACK    CORKESl'ONDENCE.  1 6/ 

and  exhibitions  of  anger  come  under  the  social 
ban,  and  impoliteness  is  considered  "bad  form." 
Even  religion  would  find  a  powerful  auxiliary  in 
fashion  if  the  fashion  set  the  right  way.  Some 
semi-civilized  and  comparatively  unenlightened 
nations  have  much  to  teach  us  in  this  respect. 
For  instance,  we  are  not  inclined  to  place  Japan 
in  the  same  rank  with  America,  and  we  are  fain  to 
believe  that  there  is  not  so  much  purity,  intelli- 
gence, or  sturdy  virtue,  there  as  here,  but,  in  many 
respects,  America  might  well  go  to  school  to 
Japan.  A  missionary  who  is  connected  with  a 
large  girls'  school  in  that  land,  writing  home, 
says,  "  I  have  not  heard  a  single  girl  complain. 
Indeed,  I  ought  to  say  right  here  that  the  Japan- 
ese consider  it  very  much  out  of  character  to  show 
the  least  temper.  Even  under  great  provocation, 
I  have  yet  to  see  an  angry  man,  woman,  or  child, 
in  Japan.  I  presume  they  do  get  angry,  for  they 
are  very  human,  but  they  do  not  show  it  very 
often."  What  teacher  in  a  boarding-school  in 
America,  either  for  boys  or  girls,  could  say  as 
much  .-* 

To  be  polite,  kind  and  gentle  for  conventional 
reasons  is  not,  to  be  sure,  to  appeal  to  the  highest 


1 68  THE    MOSSBACK    CORKESrONDENCE. 

motive,  but  it  is  an  auxiliary  motive  worth  con- 
sidering. When  Americans  have  crystallized  into 
the  American,  and  the  national  type  becomes 
more  fixed  and  permanent,  let  us  hope  that  one 
distinguishing  mark  will  be  greater  suavity^ 
urbanity  and  politeness.  A  lurking  suspicion 
remains  in  the  minds  of  many  people  that  in 
order  to  be  honest  one  must  be  more  or  less  rude 
and  angular.  It  might  just  as  well  be  said  that 
in  order  to  be  substantially  and  honestly  built,  a 
piece  of  furniture  must  be  full  of  sharp,  ugly 
corners,  to  stick  into  the  passer-by.  It  will  be  a 
step  forward  in  our  civilization  when  we  learn  as  a 
nation  that  politeness  is  wholly  consistent  with 
genuineness,  and  that  a  gentleman  is  even  more 
likely  to  be  honest  than  a  boor. 


HIS  FORTY-SECOND  BIRTHDAY. 


I  used  to  know  a  genial  gentleman,  who  for 
many  years  in  succession,  celebrated  his  forty-sec- 
ond birthday.  As  he  was  somewhat  prominent  in 
public  life,  the  anniversary  of  his  birth  was    ob- 


THE     MOSSI5ACK    CORKKSPONDKNCE.  169 

served  with  unusual  ceremony  ;  the  governor    of 
the  State  and  the  leading  members  of  the  legisla- 
ture were  frequently  present   at  the   anniversary 
dinner,  which  became  one  of  "the  institutions  "  of 
the   place  in    which    he    lived.      But    the    unique 
thing  about  the  celebration  was  the  unvarying  re- 
turn of  the  forty-second  anniversary  for  many  suc- 
cessive years.     This  harmless  little  pleasantry  has 
its  instructive  side,  bearing  upon  the  much-talked- 
of  ministerial   dead-line.     A   man  can  arrest    the 
passing  years  more  effectually  than  most  people 
are  willing  to  concede.     If  he  cannot  altogether 
efface  the  wrinkles  or  an  est  the  gathering  gray 
hairs,  he  can  keep  the  wrinkles  and  the  signs  of 
age  out  of  his  heart,  where  they  have  no  business 
to  appear.     He  can  remain  forty-two  years  of  age 
about  as  long  as  he  chooses.     "The  days  of  the 
years  "  of  the  soul's  life  are  not  threescore  years 
and  ten,  or  even  fourscore  years ;  if    so,  what  a 
dreary  prospect  would  the  years  of  eternity  offer 
the    immortal !     The  threescore   years    of   man's 
time  on  earth  are  but  the  opening  seconds  of  the 
soul's  life.     To  grow  old  is  not  a  matter  of  physi- 
cal decay,  but  of  mental  withering  and  atrophy. 
Some  of  my  youngest  friends  have  the  whitest 


I/O  THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

hair.  Some  of  my  elderly  acquaintances  are  the 
men  on  the  infantile  side  of  thirty,  who  have  al- 
ready sucked  dry  the  poor  orange  of  the  world, 
and  thrown  it  away  in  disgust. 

The  gentleman  of  whom  I  have  written  had 
very  good  reason  for  celebrating  his  forty-second 
birthday  on  successive  years,  for,  by  taking  a  fresh 
and  genial  interest  in  life,  by  cultivating  friend- 
ships, by  keeping  en  rapport  with  youth  and  youth- 
ful interests,  and  by  opening  his  soul  to  the 
breezes  of  heaven,  though  he  lived  to  what  men 
call  a  good  old  age,  he  never  got  beyond  his  prime. 
There  is  little  reason  why  any  one  in  this  life 
should  pass  that  bound.  To  keep  the  heart  on 
the  younger  side  of  this  limit  is  the  true  solution 
of  "the  dead-line  problem." 


HT  TO  BE  MARRIED. 


"  Marriage  is  the  best  state  for  man  in  general ; 
and  every  man  is  a  worse  man  in  proportion  as  he 
is  unfit  for  the  marriage  state."  So  quoth  old  Dr. 
Johnson,  and  though  history  tells  us  that  his  own 


TUi£.     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  I/I 

choice  of  a  wife  was  not  pre-eminently  a  wise  one, 
there  is  a  world  of  truth  in  his  aphorism.     There 
comes  a  period  in  the  lift  .  '"  every  young  person 
when  thoughts  of  marriage  are  apt  to  fill  a  large 
segment  of  the   horizon,   but   how  few  of   these 
young    persons   ever   seriously  ask   the  question, 
"Am    I    fit    to    be    married.?"     If   the   question 
should  happen  to  arise  in   a   social  gathering,  it 
would  be  answered  facetiously  and  disposed  of  as 
a  good  joke.     But  it  is  one  of  the  most  serious 
and  searching  questions  which  any  young  person, 
bent  on   self-examination,   could  put    to    himself. 
"  Am    I    selfish,    overbearing,    tyrannical  ?  "    the 
young  man  may  well  say;   ''then  surely  I  am  not 
fit  to  be  married;  these  traits,  when  brought  to 
the  test  of  the  close  companionship  of  daily  life, 
will  bring  misery  to  myself  and  my  family.     If  I 
am  still  to  retain  my  selfish  tyranny  of  disposition, 
I  ought  to  live  in  bachelor  quarters  and  not  inflict 
myself  upon  an  unsuspecting  wife."     "Have  I  a 
fretful,   complaining,   nagging,   disposition.?"    the 
young  lady  may  well  say  to  herself  when  it  comes 
her  turn  for  self-inquisition;   ''then  I  am  very  far 
from  being  fit  to  enter  upon  that  companionship 
which  will  bring  out  all  that  is  most  disagreeable 


1/2  THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

and  rasping  in  my  character."  And  so  on  through 
the  catalogue  of  minor  moralities  this  test  may  be 
wisely  applied.  When  two  persons  walk  arm  in 
arm,  each  feels  the  inequalities  of  the  other's  step. 
More  misery  is  spelt  i-n-c-o-m-p-a-t-i-b-i-l-i-t-y  than 
by  any  other  combination  of  letters.  The  self- 
sufficient  youth  frequently  asks  if  the  partner  to 
the  other  side  of  the  contract  is  likely  to  make  a 
good  wife  ;  humility  seldom  leads  him  far  enough 
to  ask  if  he  would  make  a  good  husband.  But 
this  is  a  question  quite  as  necessary  to  ask  as  the 
other,  since  no  marriage  ring  is  strong  enough  to 
bind  together  two  hearts  where  love  and  respect 
on  one  side  are  not  wedded  to  love  and  respect  on 
the  ether  side.  Love  is  deaf  as  well  as  blind,  and 
I  have  little  expectation  that  the  smitten  youth 
and  maiden  will  listen  to  these  exhortations,  but 
before  Cupid  shoots  his  dart  is  a  good  time  for 
future  husbands  or  wives  to  ask  this  searching 
question,  "  Am  /  fit  to  be  married  }  " 


MR.  MOSSBAGK'S 


BRIEF  VISIT  TO  UTOPIA 


AND  WHAT  HE  SAW  THERE. 


MR.  MOSSBACK^S  VISIT  TO  UTOPIA. 


A  SOCIAL  PARTY  IN  UTOPIA. 


At  this  party  I  engaged  in  conversation  with 
the  other  guests,  but  was  surprised  to  hear  noth- 
ing about  the  last  alleged  defalcation  or  other 
scandal. 

It  seemed  best  to  this  company  to  wait  full 
developments  before  it  pronounced  judgment  up- 
on the  last  absconding  deacon,  or  fallen  minister, 
or  Sunday  school  superintendent,  who  has  "gone 
wrong." 

''Well,  well,"  I  said  to  myself,  "this  is 
strange ! " 

But  the  wonder  grew  when  the  ^  .iness  failure 
of  some  church-member  was  alluded  to,  and  actu- 
ally no  one  insinuated  that  he  failed  for  the  pur- 
pose   of    making    money.     Only    sympathy    was 

175 


176  THE     MOSSIiACK     C  OKRESPONDENCE. 

expressed  for  his  embarrassment.  An  ill-consid- 
ered and  awkward  speech  was  made  at  this  Uto- 
pian party.  In  this  latitude  I  fear  it  would  have 
wrought  mischief,  but  in  Utopia  the  whole  assem- 
bled company  agreed  that  nothing  serious  was 
meant  by  it ;  that  it  was  but  an  infelicity  and  it 
was  forgotten  without  another  thought.  Against 
one  of  the  great  men  of  the  town,  suspicions  had 
been  directed  and  an  evil  story  had  been  told.  In 
this  country,  this  would  have  blackened  his  char- 
acter for  life,  but  in  Utopia  judgment  was  sus- 
pended, and  his  pure  aiid  noble  past  life  and 
services  were  not  ignored.  I  found  out  at  this 
party  that  in  Utopia  it  is  the  custom  to  put  the 
best  construction  upon  every  action. 

The  Utopians  are  sure  to  guard  each  other 
from  every  breath  of  unjust  calumny  and  reproach. 
They  make  every  allowance  for  defects  in  training 
or  temperament.  They  meet  each  other,  not  with 
a  cold  and  formal  nod,  but  with  a  warm  and 
hearty  handshake.  And  yet,  if  one  does  chance 
to  be  overlooked,  he  ascribes  the  slight  to  short- 
sightedness or  preoccupation  of  mind,  not  to  in- 
tentional neglect. 

A   church   quarrel,   I  was   told,  is  a   thing   un- 


THE    MOSSr.ACK     CORRESPONDENCE.  I // 

known  in  Utopia,  while,  as  for  there  being  two 
parties  that  hate  each  other,  it  is  as  impossible  as 
for  a  man's  right  hand  to  hate  his  left.  "  Have 
we  not  one  Lord,  one  faith,  one  baptism,"  they 
say,  "what  then  can  separate  iis.^"  while  all  oth- 
ers look  on  and  say,  "  Behold  how  these  brethren 
love  one  another." 

So  much  I  learned  from  my  first  social  party  in 
Utopia. 


ELECTION    DAY    IN    UTOPIA. 


It  so  chanced  that  one  of  the  days  which  I 
spent  in  Utopia  was  election  day,  and  I  very 
gladly  availed  myself  of  the  invitation  of  a  friend 
to  go  with  him  to  the  polls.  We  came  upon  the 
polling  place  quite  unawares,  for  (forgetting  that 
I  was  in  Utopia)  I  had  been  looking  for  a  swarm 
of  broken-down,  blear-eyed  sots  and  ward  bum- 
mers, whom  I  had  always  associated  with  such 
places.  What  was  my  surprise,  then,  when  my 
friend  turned  into  a  light  and  airy  room  with  a 


178  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

clean  floor  undefilcd  by  tobacco-juice,  while  the 
air  was  unpolluted  by  tobacco-smoke.  Wishing 
to  sec  what  kind  of  ballots  were  used,  I  looked 
around  for  the  zealous  distributors,  who,  in  my 
native  city,  are  accustomed  to  thrust  them  into 
my  face,  but  saw  no  one  to  do  this  service  for  me. 
Instead,  I  noticed  on  a  table  two  piles  of  tickets 
from  which  my  friend  selected  the  one  he  wished, 
and  handed  it  to  another  gentleman  who  sat 
behind  the  table,  who  immediately  placed  it  in  a 
box  upon  his  right  hand,  while  the  ticket  of  still 
another  man,  who  came  in  at  that  moment,  and 
who  took  his  ballot  from  the  other  pile,  was 
deposited  in  a  box  on  the  left.  "Why,  my  good 
friend,"  said  I,  in  some  amazement,  "how  does  it 
happen  that  you  vote  in  this  loose  way  .-*  Where 
are  your  precautions  against  fraud  and  repeaters 
and  ballot-box  stuffing  ?  Where  are  your  registers 
and  patent  boxes  and  check-lists  and  special  guar- 
dians of  the  ballot.-*"  "You  forget,"  answered 
my  friend,  with  a  quiet  smile,  "  that  you  are  in 
Utopia  and  not  in  America."  I  confess  that  I 
did  not  relish  this  fling  at  my  native  land,  but 
when  I  flushed  up  and  was  about  to  reply,  I 
really  did  not  have  much  to  say,  and  concluded 


THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  1 79 

that  silence  on  this  point  was  the  part  of  dis- 
cretion. "Well,"  said  I,  after  a  moment's  pause, 
"  I  suppose  you  have  all  your  rows  and  political 
trickery  at  the  caucus,  instead  of  at  the  polls,  and 
everything  is  so  cut  and  dried  that  there  is 
nothing  to  do  here  but  to  hand  over  one  of  those 
bits  of  paper"  (for  I  was  still  a  little  touched,  you 
see,  by  his  insinuations).  "On  the  contrary," 
said  my  friend,  "the  election  is  in  the  greatest 
doubt.  No  one  in  Utopia,  I  venture  to  say,  can 
predict  the  result,  for  the  two  political  parties  are 
very  evenly  divided.  We  have  our  caucuses,  to 
be  sure,  which  all  our  citizens,  rich  and  poor,  feel 
it  their  duty  to  attend.  Both  parties  endeavor  to 
choose  their  wisest  men  as  candidates,  and  all 
that  we  have  to  do  to-day  is  to  express  our  prefer- 
ence for  one  set  of  political  principles  rather  than 
another.  I  really  do  not  see  how  universal  suf- 
frage on  any  other  conditions  can  be  anything  but 
a  dangerous  menace  to  liberty."  I  saw  that  I 
should  get  upon  thin  ice  if  I  pursued  the  matter 
any  furthur,  and  so  I  changed  the  subject  by 
remarking  that  at  any  rate  they  enjoyed  delightful 
autumnal  weather  in  Utopia. 


l80  TIIK     MOSSBACK    COKKESI'ONDKNCE. 


SUNDAY  MORNING  IN  UTOPIA. 


The  next  day,  being  Sunday,  I  hastened  with 
great  alacrity,  at  the  sound  of  the  church-bells,  to 
the  nearest  house  of  worship,  and  was  greatly  sur- 
prised to  find  that  every  one  else  seemed  to  be  go- 
ing in  the  same  direction.  I  at  first  concluded 
that  there  was  only  this  one  church  in  the  whole 
city,  but  immediately  remembered  that  I  had  seen 
numerous  similar  edifices  in  my  wanderings  about 
the  streets,  and,  even  from  where  I  stood,  as  I 
lifted  up  my  eyes,  I  could  see  at  least  a  dozen 
spires,  "Tell  me,  sir,"  said  I,  addressing  a  pass- 
er-by, '*do  all  the  inhabitants  of  Utopia  think 
alike  on  religious  matters  ?  "  "By  no  means,"  he 
replied ;  "  there  are  several  different  denomina- 
tions, and  each  one  is  loyal  to  his  own  faith. 
Moreover,  we  have  all  come  to  the  conclusion  that 
this  is  as  it  should  be.  for  we  cannot  all  look  at 
the  truth  from  just  the  same  angle.  Yet  we  all 
hold  the  truth,  and  are  quite  willing  to  believe 
that  our  neighbors,  though  they  emphasize 
another  side  of  the  same  truth,  agree  with  us  sub- 


THE    M0SSI3ACK    COKKESPONDENCE.  l8l 

stantially.  You  will  find  all  the  churches  crowded 
with  worshippers  this  morning,  and  I  have  no 
doubt  you  will  hear  faithful  and  earnest  sermons 
in  all  of  them.  Still  we  all  prefer  our  own  church 
home  very  naturally." 

Just  then  I  noticed  a  large  vehicle  going  by, 
which  somewhat  resembled  our  stage-coaches,  or, 
more  nearly,  perhaps,  a  long,  seashore  barge. 
This  vehicle  was  full  of  people  going  in  the  same 
direction  as  the  foot  passengers.  It  was  all  the 
more  noticeable  by  reason  of  the  entire  absence  of 
street  and  steam  cars,  as  well  as  all  other  car- 
riages. "Pardon  me,"  said  I  to  my  new-found 
friend,  "  but  may  I  ask  if  that  is  a  picnic-carriage  ? 
I  suppose  those  people  must  be  going  to  the  park, 
or  to  the  seashore,  but  they  do  not  look  exactly 
like  excursionists,  for  I  see  many  of  them  seem  to 
have  their  Bibles  with  them."  "No,"  said  my 
friend,  "those  people  are  not  going  to  a  picnic, 
but  to  church.  That  is  a  church  carriage,  and  is 
the  only  kind  of  vehicle  that  is  used  on  Sunday. 
It  goes  about  throughout  the  suburbs,  and  picks 
up  people  who  are  too  young,  or  too  old,  or  too 
infirm  to  walk  to  church,  or  who  live  too  far  away. 
Thus    we    give    our    engineers    and    firemen    and 


1 82  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

horse-car  drivers  and  conductors  a  chance  to  rest 
from  their  labors  on  Sunday,  and  these  church 
carriages  answer  every  purpose."  "The  wealthy 
people  ride  in  their  own  carriages,  I  suppose," 
said  I.  "No,"  replied  my  friend,  "they,  too,  take 
the  common  vehicle,  so  that  their  drivers,  as  well 
as  their  horses,  may  rest."  "  It  strikes  me,  "  I  re- 
marked (rather  rudely  I  fear),  "that  your  notions 
here  in  Utopia  are  decidedly  Puritanical.  How 
can  the  poor  people  get  a  breath  of  fresh  air,  or  a 
glimpse  of  God's  country,  if  they  have  to  work  all 
the  week,  and  go  to  church  all  day  Sunday } " 
"Oh,  that  is  provided  for,"  said  he,  overlooking 
my  heat.  "  Every  Saturday  is  a  half -holiday,  and, 
I  assure  you,  our  prAs  md  picnic  grounds  and 
seaside  resorts  are  crowded  with  as  jolly  a  set  of 
people  as  you  would  care  to  see." 

By  this  time  we  had  reached  the  church  for 
which  I  had  started ;  my  companion,  who  was  go- 
ing to  another  church  further  along  the  street, 
politely  bade  me  "Good-morning,"  and  I  went 
within. 


THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  183 


AT  CHURCH  TN  UTOPIA. 


As  I  entered  the  church  door  I  was  greeted  by 
a  portly,  kindly-faced  man,  who,  to  judge  from  his 
appearance,  was  one  of  the  solid  men  of  Utopia. 
Quite  a  throng  of  people  entered  with  me,  but  he 
singled  me  out  and  approached  me  with  a  saluta- 
tion. "  I  think  you  are  a  stranger,  sir.  We  are 
very  glad  to  see  you  in  our  church,  and  give  you  a 
hearty  welcome."  At  the  same  time  he  grasped 
my  hand  and  gave  it  such  a  cordial  shake  that  I 
had  occasion  to  remember  it  for  several  minutes. 

I  had  expected  to  stand  awkwardly  in  the  vesti- 
bule until  the  congregation  was  seated,  and  then 
get  a  seat  as  best  I  could,  but  I  was  surprised  and 
not  a  little  pleased,  to  have  my  portly  friend  call  a 
young  man  who  was  evidently  one  of  the  ushers, 
and  say  to  him,  "Give  this  gentleman  a  seat  in 
the, broad  aisle."  This  was  no  sooner  said  than 
done.  I  noticed,  as  I  went  into  the  church,  more 
than  a  dozen,  perhaps  nearly  a  score,  of  substan- 
tial men,  like  the  one  who  had  greeted  me,  stand- 
ing in  the  vestijule,  and  when  I  inquired  about 
the  matter  I  found  that  it  was  customary  for  the 


184  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

leading  men  of  the  churches  to  wait  in  the  vesti- 
bule for  the  purpose  of  welcoming  strangers,  in 
order  that  they  might  not  miss  the  shy  and  bash- 
ful ones,  and  that  they  might  give  every  one  as 
good  a  seat  as  possible.  There  were  a  sexton  and 
ushers,  to  be  sure,  besides,  but  they  told  me  after- 
wards that  the  Utopians  deemed  it  no  more  than 
proper  that  the  representative  men  should  per- 
form this  office  of  welcoming  all  to  the  house  of 
God.  I  had  been  in  my  seat  but  a  few  minutes 
when  a  gentleman  with  a  large  family  eame  down 
the  aisle,  and  I  soon  found  that  I  was  in  his  pew ; 
thereupon  I  was  about  to  give  up  my  seat,  with 
apologies  for  the  intrusion,  when  he  completely 
silenced  me  by  insisting  that  I  should  keep  my 
seat,  while  he  found  one  elsewhere.  I  saw  that  it 
was  a  real  pleasure  to  him  to  find  me  in  his  seat, 
and  I  could  only  remain  where  I  was,  with  thanks 
for  his  hospitality.  As  for  the  divine  service,  I 
can  only  say  that  it  struck  me  as  eminently  sincere 
and  genuine.  I  have  heard  more  artistic  singing, 
but  I  never  heard  music  more  worshipful  and 
heaven-soaring.  I  did  not  miss  a  word  of  the 
opening  anthem,  and  I  felt  that  I  ought  to  be  a 
better  man,  when  it  was  finished.     In  the  congre- 


THE     MOSSBACK     CORRESPONDENCE.  1 8$ 

gational  hymns  every  one  joined,  as  well  as  in  the 
responsive  readings  and  in  the  Lord's  prayer,  and 
also  in  the  simple  creed  and  confession  of  faith. 

I  have  heard  more  rhetorical  sermons,  too  ;  in 
fact,  I  think  some  of  our  very  nice  and  learned 
critics  of  the  press  would  have  called  it  a  ridicu- 
lously simple  and  plain  sermon.  There  was  no 
airing  of  Greek  or  Hebrew,  and  not  a  single  Latin 
quotation.  There  was  little  deep  philosophy,  or, 
at  least,  no  muddy  philosophy,  which,  I  notice, 
usually  passes  for  the  same  thing,  and  not  a  sin- 
gle allusion  to  Ingersoll,  which  surprised  me  very 
much  until  I  happened  to  remember  that  the  re- 
doubtable Colonel  had  never  visited  Utopia.  But 
there  was  much  plain,  moving,  gospel  truth,  and 
when  the  sermon  was  finished  I  said  to  myself, 
as  I  had  said  at  the  close  of  the  anthem,  •'  I  must 
and  will  be  a  better  man." 


SUPPLEMENT. 


The  following  letters  from  some  of  the  gentle- 
men to  whom  Mr.  Mossback  wrote  ought  not  to 
be  omitted  from  this  correspondence. 


%^ 


SUPPLEMENT. 


AN    OPEN    LETTER  TO   MR.   MOSSBACK 
FROM   THE   SEXTON. 


My  Dear  Mr.  Mossback  : 

One  of  your  breezy  letters,  I  remember,  was 
addressed  to  the  sexton,  and  I,  for  one,  like  the 
man  who  so  much  enjoyed  the  service  in  the 
Episcopal  church  because  he  could  talk  back,  wish 
the  privilege  ot  doing  just  that  thing.  When  I 
first  read  your  letter  I  was  tempted  to  be  a 
trifle  provoked  that  you  should  become  my  self- 
appointed  critic,  but  when  I  found  that  you  really 
were  not  ill-natured,  I  concluded  that  you  were, 
after  all,  a  good  old  gentleman,  who  didn't  know  a 
sexton's  trials. 

But,  really,  Mr.  Mossback,  if  you  had  ever  been 

a  sexton  you  would  never  have  written  as  you  did. 

189 


IQO  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

You  never  thought,  I  suppose,  how  many  differ- 
ent people  there  are  in  every  congregation,  each 
one  of  whom  wants  the  mercury  to  stand  at  a  dif- 
ferent altitude.  There  is  rich  Mrs.  Sealskin, 
who  pants  and  puffs  and  flourishes  her  fan  and 
takes  on  at  a  great  rate,  if  the  thermometer  indi- 
cates more  than  sixty  ;  while  young  Miss  Flora 
McFlimsy,  with  shoulders  nearly  bare,  shivers 
like  an  aspen  leaf,  if  it  does  not  register  at  least 
seventy  degrees.  One  Sunday  I  get  a  Scotch 
blessing  from  Mrs.  Sealskin,  because  it  is  too  hot, 
and  the  very  next,  when  I  try  to  please  her,  I  get 
a  similar  benediction  from  Miss  McF.,  because  it 
is  too  cold.  So  what  is  a  poor  fellow  to  do  ? 
Then  as  to  opening  the  windows  to  admit  the  air. 
Whenever  I  do  it  the  breeze  is  sure  to  strike 
somebody's  bald  head ;  and  though  everybody 
wants  his  neighbor's  window  open,  nobody  will 
have  his  own  window  open,  and  the  result  is  one 
of  those  "  hermetically  sealed  churches  "  that  peo- 
ple are  always  complaining  about.  The  only 
remedy  that  I  can  suggest  is  to  rail  off  the  bald- 
headed  men  in  some  high-backed  pews  by  them- 
selves, where  no  breath  of  wind  can  ever  reach 
them.     But  that    would    hardly  do,  for  it  would 


THE     MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  IQI 

seem  like  an  unjust  discrimination.  Then  again, 
the  sexton's  soul  is  tried  by  the  people  who  insist 
on  taking  the  back  seat,  even  when  the  great, 
vacant  space  in  front  looks  bare  and  lonesome 
enough  to  make  the  minister  shudder ;  and  by  the 
people  who  leave  him  in  the  lurch  when  he  is 
conducting  them  up  the  aisle,  allowing  him  to 
stand  stranded  and  looking  foolish,  at  the  door  of 
a  pew,  with  no  one  following  him.  He  is  also 
harassed  by  the  unruly  son  of  the  rich  pew-owner, 
whom  he  does  not  dare  to  put  out,  however  richly 
the  boy  deserves  it ;  and  by  the  giggling  girls 
who  flirt  with  the  Deacon's  son,  and  who  turn  up 
their  pert  noses  if  the  sexton  so  much  as  ven- 
tures to  remonstrate  with  them. 

Oh,  I  assure  you,  the  sexton's  berth  isn't  a  bed 
of  roses  by  any  means.  If  you  think  it  is,  just 
change  ends  of  the  church  with  me,  and  see  how 
you  like  it. 

Your  friend, 

The  Sexton. 


192     THE  MOSSBACK  CORRESPONDENCE. 

AN  OPEN  LETTER  TO  MR.  MOSSBACK 
FROM  THE  ORGANIST. 


Mv  Dear  Mr.  Mossback  : 

It  is  very  evident  to  me  that  you  have  little 
music  in  your  soul,  and,  according  to  the  poet, 
such  a  man 

*♦  Is  fit  for  treasons,  stratagems,  spoils." 

You  seem  to  think  that  time  spent  in  playing  in- 
terludes, voluntaries,  etc.,  is  so  much  time  wasted, 
but  if  you  had  a  little  more  music  in  your  compo- 
sition, you  would  see  that  it  is  just  as  possible  to 
worship  God  with  an  instrument  of  wood  and  iron 
as  with  the  human  instrument  called  the  voice. 

Did  not  David  praise  God,  I  should  like  to 
know,  on  stringed  instruments,  and  organs  ? 

Then  I  would  have  you  know  that  there  is  some 
one  else  to  be  consulted  besides  your  imperial 
taste,  even  if  you  arc  the  minister.  Perhaps  some 
people  do  not  like  to  have  you  preach  so  long, 
and  would  be  quite  willing  to  have  you  give  up 
some  of  your  time  to  the  organist,  whom  you  treat 
with  so  much  levity.  I  should  like  to  know,  too, 
what  is  the  use  of  a  long  musical  education,  and  a 


THE    MOSSnACK    CORRESPONDENCE.  1 93 

critical  musical  taste,  unless  you  can  display  your 
powers  before  an  appreciative  congregation.  At 
any  rate,  Mr.  Mossback,  while  you  preach  fifty-five 
minutes  every  Sunday,  and  so  long  as  you  make 
the  rafters  ring  when  you  come  to  the  "rouse- 
ments,"  do  not  ask  me  to  cut  off  my  interludes  or 
to  play  so  very  softly  when  people  are  going  out 
of  church.  Yours  truly, 

The  Organist. 


AN  OPEN  LETTER  TO  MR.  MOSSBACK, 
FROM  AMMI  SLEEPER,  ESQ. 


Dear  Mr.  Mossback  : 

I  recognize  the  fact  that  your  kindly  criticism 
was  meant  to  apply  to  me,  but,  though  I  have  put 
the  coat  on  and  found  it  to  be  an  admirable  fit,  I 
am  neither  "mad"  nor  "grieved."  Yes,  I  must 
confess  it,  I  do  sometimes  nod  in  church,  and  I 
am  afraid  you,  my  dear  pastor,  see  the  uninspiring 
top  of  my  bald  head  at  times.  I  hope,  however, 
you  will  not  take  it  to  heart,  for,  really,  it  is  no 
disrespect  to  you,  nor  does  it  betoken  any  lack  of 
appreciation  of  your  sermons. 


194  THE    MOSSBACK    CORRESPONDENCE. 

The  fact  is,  Mr.  Mossback,  I  am  a  hard-working 
man,  as  you  know,  laboring  at  my  anvil  through- 
out every  week-day,  unused  to  sitting  still  even  for 
fifteen  minutes  at  a  time,  and  when  I  do  get  set- 
tled down  comfortably  in  the  pew,  the  drowsy  god 
(or  demon,  perhaps  I  should  call  him)  gets  full 
possession  of  me,  and  I  find  that  I  cannot  shake 
him  off.  If  the  angel  Gabriel  were  preaching,  I 
sometimes  fear  that  I  should  be  so  disrespectful 
as  to  go  to  sleep  before  he  got  to  "secondly."  It 
is  not  that  I  do  not  try  to  turn  over  a  new  leaf, 
either.  My  wife,  at  my  request,  pinches  me  on 
one  side,  and  my  daughter  pokes  me  with  her  um- 
brella on  the  other.  I  eat  stick  cinnamon  and  cu- 
bebs,  and  try  to  pay  the  strictest  attention  by  fol- 
lowing the  heads  of  your  excellent  sermon,  but 
even  then  I  find  it  almost  impossible  to  pry  my 
eyelids  open.  However,  I  am  resolved  to  make 
still  further  exertion  in  this  direction.  I  will  work 
less  on  Saturdays  and  sleep  twelve  hours  on  Sat- 
urday night,  and  if  this  doesn't  answer,  I  may  even 
try  the  awakening  virtue  of  a  mustard  plaster. 

Your  friend, 

Ammi  Sleeper. 


